Being with Someone Still in Love with Someone Else.

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Liamson

Liamson

Senior Member
Feb 3, 2010
3,078
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Ever been there?

They say yes to going out with you all the time but, you can feel the distance in their eyes.

They go shopping with you and want to dress you in all the things that "They" used to wear.

Most of their Music is completely off limits. Whatever experience you have with Death Cab for Cutie is irrelevant because of what it meant to them.

This person's heart is like a Mausoleum, filled with the artifacts of another age.




The other person has moved on, is either married or simply getting on with their lives but, not who you are with. They still carry the Torch.


I've been on both sides of this coin. Someone goes with me everywhere and wants something that I can't give them. They are hoping eventually I'll be just as in love with them. I can't say it doesn't always work out but, I would never envy anyone in such an arrangement.



But I think we all know that there has to be something More to it. We can't simply turn it on or off for who we choose. This is also why I don't think relationships can't be looked at Objectively. In the same way that I'm not going to make a Top 5 of the most beautiful people I've ever dated, lol. At least I try not to. Cause every relationship is different. I've dated people, because I was hurt and it was a rash decision. I've dated people because someone told me I couldn't. I've dated people because I knew they wanted a chance to tell me how really felt, because it was a burden to them.

But to ask someone out, because you find yourself falling in love with them and they with you, well that is a very dangerous place to be in. Especially because, its so helpless. One moment everything seems beautiful but what if the other person wakes up and suddenly comes to their senses.




Love is a strange thing. When its there and its real, everything is made better by it. Its as if we hand over the brush to someone else and they paint all over our entire world. When they are in it, its wondrous and magnificent but, when they leave us with it, there isn't enough Acetone in the world to make the colors not seem pretty anymore.




I'm not in love with anyone and I'm not really bitter or hurt about anything. But I wonder, how do we avoid pursuing someone who is not over someone else?
 
If I really thought someone was in love with someone else, whether they were with that person or not, I probably would not give any indication that I wanted to be more than a friend to them. I would let them have some time to sort things out. If love is meant to be real between two people it will happen in its time. No need to rush it. Enjoy that person. When their hurt has healed, then you can be there for them.
 
"How do we avoid pursuing someone who is not over someone else?"

This might sound kind of trite...but...you avoid pursuing that person...by NOT PURSUING THAT PERSON.

Pursuit is a conscious action. Developing feelings may not be a conscious choice, but the actual act of pursuit? That's a conscious choice.

If the question is, "What do you do if you develop affectionate feelings for someone who loves someone else?"

As painful as it is, the answer is to cut yourself off. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?" We all know that's just optimistic sentiment. "Out of sight, out of mind?" That's the more likely reality.
 
Medical analogy in 3... 2... 1...

Let's say I really was your nurse who was cleaning debris out of your leg. And let's say I missed a small piece of asphalt. I was buried a little deeper than the rest, and I wasn't paying total attention to you. Your bandages were applied, and it looks like you healed nicely. Time goes on, but not too long after the accident your leg never really stops hurting, and you develop striations from an infection. But instead of dealing with it you decide to go about your life and hope it goes away. After all, you've decided that you don't like hospitals, and you'd rather not deal with the annoying pain right now. Things get worse and you eventually go in. The doctor finds the piece of asphalt, and has to dig it out. It's painful, there's an infection, and you're going to have a big scar.


When you fall for someone who is in love with someone else, it's like they're that piece of asphalt. It's hidden for a time, but after a while pain and an infection will develop. If left too long, you'll end up with a gnarly scar and a considerable healing time. It's better for everyone to separate yourself from them, and there's a good chance you may not even be able to have a friendship until healing on both sides has happened.
 
I've gone out with someone once who I thought was still in love with his ex. They way he talked about her, in our one conversation, it almost seemed as if he felt like they were still together at times. For me, that was a huge turn off. So needless to say, if I feel like someone is still in love with there ex, chances are, all will ever be is friends.
 
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