Boundaries within a male-female friendship: What I've learned

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arwen7

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I write this from someone who has been there.

(scroll down to the second last paragraph, if you don't care to read my experience)

My story:
I was in a friendship with a Christian male that I met at university for 3 years; someone who I clicked with from the start. There was an age gap of 7 years but in some ways he was very mature for his age. I thought that it might be more then friendship, so I asked him out on a date. He declined, saying my age was kind of an issue. I accepted this and we remained friends. Over the 2nd year, we became closer physically and emotionally. Physically meaning hugging and holding. He told me that he loves me and that he's never let me go. And he showed it too: he stood by me during a stressful time in my life. He also told me about his struggles with a porn addiction, and I was always there to talk. That meant a lot to him.

But then he spoke about girls that he had crushes on. He would ask girls on dates and had three girl friends for short periods of time during 2 years. This was devastating to me and I believe he could tell. One of his girlfriends also attended the same university. He promised me that our intimacy would never change. But it had to! That would be cheating! I ended the friendship. I couldn't stand my heart being crushed every time I would see them together. When they broke up, I slowly slipped back into the friendship, thinking God put him in my life for a reason. The love I was given was so strong. We ended up getting more intimate- massages, tickling, flirting and talking often about sex (not with each other but in general). And yet, he still spoke about other girls. I was so embarrased of the rejection I felt that I didn't tell him how much it was killing me. And I knew deep down inside that the intimacy that made me feel so loved would end. I spent many nights in anguish, wishing that I had never met him. Begging God to help me. I felt I was over my head.

I reached out. With a lot of support and accountability from loving Christian friends; they held me up when I felt that I couldn't stand on my own. I broke free from the friendship. I told him everything I felt- the rejection and shame. I realized that our friendship was always meant to end and it should have as soon as we got intimate. He graduated this past year so I won't have to see him again. I thank God.

The reason I tell my story is to' hopefully, give some insight to the importance of boundaries within a male-female friendship (Christian or not). I think when there is physical component to a friendship (or a dating relationship), it adds a certain dynamic to it: its becomes deeper, stronger, more meaningful. But I don't think that God ever meant it to be in a male-female friendship. I believe that men and women were made for each other. One possess characteristics that the other is attracted to. We compliment each other. But in this case, the heart becomes attached without commitment, it gets ripped out and what is left are feelings of betrayal, anger and shame. What I went through wasn't something that God created us for.

I don't know if or why God put him in my life. Maybe I'll understand one day. I'm still fighting the shame I feel for staying all that time and that I should have known better. I am responsible for what went on as well. Ultimately, we get to decided who we left into our little world and get to discern who we allow to get closer to us. Perhaps, you have more sense than I did and wouldn't fall into the same situation like I was in, but I felt that this was important to share.
 
Arwen.. GOD bless you!
Thanks for sharing.. appreciate it.
I'd like to write to you later about this if thats ok..
Stay strong♥
God is an expert at turning bad experiences into blessings..
 
Sarah_D said:
Arwen.. GOD bless you!
Thanks for sharing.. appreciate it.
I'd like to write to you later about this if thats ok..
Stay strong?
God is an expert at turning bad experiences into blessings..
Click to expand...

Hi Sarah D,

I am open-minded and look forward to reading what you have to write :)
 
Thank you for sharing, Arwen. I'm sorry this was the case for you, but then, perhaps it's been a good learning experience.

In any case, I'd be careful with the 'everything happens for a reason/God dictating every detail of life' view. Many things in life do have reasons behind them, but not cosmic peices of divine planning for punishment, grandeur, and the like. God is in every part of life. He is sovereign. He's not a puppet-master.

Many things in life just happen due to the choices we (and others) make. The thing is, God can take even the most painful, dark, sinful situation and turn it somehow for good. Not everything in life is a test, providence, or even necessarily karma/retribution of some kind. Just let God be with you, in you, and you with and in God too. No matter what, let God be God in everything, God's not just High King, but friend, lover, parent, and the most/best 'person' in all of your life.

It hurts. It sucks. It's sad. Things in life are sometimes this way. All the same, God is always good, and always with you. You're awesome!
 
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May I ask where you would draw the line in a just friends relationship now?

I am undecided on this, I feel that close relationships are helpful and encouraging, yet there is a line, I don't feel that some issues should be brought up between a guy and a girl without intent to work out whether you can marry.

As for physical touch, I tend to feel that it depends on the person, for some people touch means romantic feelings when for others it simply conveys friendship and love. I'm not sure where to draw the line here either. Personally I crave physical touch/hugs, it makes me feel loved. (not the way I used to be oddly)

I guess it depends on being clear as well, I think it is both parties roles to have that awkward chat and set out clearly what is expected if you are quite close. Multiple times if necessary... I also feel honesty is required by both parties here, if there isn't then more hurt than necessary will result.
 
Stuey said:
May I ask where you would draw the line in a just friends relationship now?

I am undecided on this, I feel that close relationships are helpful and encouraging, yet there is a line, I don't feel that some issues should be brought up between a guy and a girl without intent to work out whether you can marry.

As for physical touch, I tend to feel that it depends on the person, for some people touch means romantic feelings when for others it simply conveys friendship and love. I'm not sure where to draw the line here either. Personally I crave physical touch/hugs, it makes me feel loved. (not the way I used to be oddly)

I guess it depends on being clear as well, I think it is both parties roles to have that awkward chat and set out clearly what is expected if you are quite close. Multiple times if necessary... I also feel honesty is required by both parties here, if there isn't then more hurt than necessary will result.
Click to expand...

That is a really good question Stuey. I'm not sure if I can give a satisfying answer as I am still trying to figure that out. I think it really depends on the person, the dynamics of the friendship and how comfortable you are around the friend. Like you said, that awkward conversation may need to take place.

I think my boundary will be at hugs now, depending on the person. Similar to you, I enjoy hugs/physical touch/closeness. It is one of my love languages, that is why it was so hard for me to completely break off the friendship. We feel most loved when our love languages are satisfied, but it is also the love language that can give us the most pain if withheld or inconsistent.

It is a tricky thing. Maybe a good rule to judge by is: If you had a wife or girlfriend, would she have a problem with the closeness of you two? I think it might all come down to having the self-awareness of knowing if the degree of closeness feels wrong in some way. Man has something that inherently exists within him, that is in play every second of his life but a lot of people do not realize it. It is called Moral Law (if you've read C.S Lewis's Mere Christianity, then you'll know what I am talking about). I will not do it justice. What I grasped from the book is that Moral Law is the universal law governing all humans about right and wrong. There are three elements to it: What is the right thing to do, What is the wrong thing to do and the element that decides between the two. I think that when we know when we are doing something wrong, we feel it, our conscience tells us that we should be doing the right thing instead. We can ignore it or change our action. My whole point with bringing Moral Law up is that it may be helpful for discerning if the degree of closeness is too close and you can draw that line.

Hope this makes some sense..or is even remotely helpful lol :confused:
 
Thanks Arwen.

Even within hugs though, where to draw the line. Quick manly hugs? Friendly hugs? Long hugs? Super long hugs that kind of look more like spooning haha.

As for the judge of whether if you had a wife or girlfriend would they be uncomfortable with it.... I'm not sure as to whether this is a particularly great judge. The reason being, I have some friendships that I don't feel are too close. One for example I am very clear where I stand and I hang out with her a lot, but... If I was dating someone else I wouldn't hang out with her so much alone. It's not that I would necessarily feel that hanging out with a girl while dating is wrong, but, I think I would just naturally tend to avoid hanging out with her heaps alone.

Then again with another friend I don't think it would worry me so much... hanging out while I was dating. Although I suppose the frequency would change and I probably would try and include other friends more. I would probably have to ask my future partner on this one.

Hmmm, while I am single though... I don't see any need not to hang out with these friends alone for long periods. I guess I feel the same way about physical touch, I have no problem hugging my friends, but, if a girl who I was interested came along and we started dating. I would probably still hug them, but I may just start to slowly edge away from a lot of physical touch.

I have another good friend who just got a bf, we are still good friends, yet I feel like the issues I bring up with her will change and I think this is just natural. For example asking her about how she is feeling about her bf in depth would just be inappropriate. This is not to say we aren't still close friends - we are and she isn't afraid to ask how I am really going - likewise me of her, just... different topics.

I'm still not sure. I haven't read the book sorry but yes our conscience can be a guide providing we are honest with it (lol and this is easy).

I'm quality time and physical touch... though i feel I am just a hyper sensitive person in general. Hmmm.

 
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