B
BenTom
Guest
I cannot give you what you want, I cannot be your friend, I cannot love you the way you love me anymore. I recall my best friends saying these to me, it wasn’t an unrequited love but it was the affection and the love of a friend or a brother that I had offered. I can hear my heart beat even when I pen this down, getting passed this wasn’t always easy because I had to put my chin up and pretend it was all good and I was nonchalant. There was a voice deep within me saying; “I’m still here, I’d be here always“, but I chose to ignore it because I was okay.
When you undergo the process of subjugating yourself to the terrors of life, you aren’t left with a choice but to silence yourself from the world and stop existing and I did that. Why do I need to let someone know that there are bruises inside, I wasn’t theirs to save. There was a team formation whilst I was with my “friends”, we had to play the right way but I wasn’t able to contribute and knew that they wanted me out, as always I decided to resign from the team letting them know something’s come up. I never showed them I was hurt.
The world reminded me every day, I was worthless and deserved to be ashamed of myself and this was with me forever. On my way home one evening in a school bus I overheard a friend declaring who I was to a group of people and that was okay again because I knew how to be composed and never get affected by it in the presence of someone else, when I reached home, all I could do was turn the lights down, lay flat on my bed still wearing my school uniform and cry, it was quiet, I couldn’t let anyone in my home hear me because I was fine. I could feel someone embracing me, maybe it was me wanting a presence there, an unknown presence. In the stillness, in the quiet, on a wet pillow, I heard “I love you..”
When Jesus walked away to be whipped and beaten, I envisioned Him telling us; “Go, be free, this is mine to bear not yours anymore” He was alone, there were cries of mockery, he was torn, spat on, a rose that was trampled on, took the cross and walked toward his brutal death. My story is not important but my King is. I went after all those things that I could get when I couldn’t as a little boy, running endlessly to gain what I couldn’t achieve but I forgot that Jesus thought of me and you because we were worth to die for, I ignored a God with a love so scandalous. Every time I ran after meaningless relationships, I left Him, not knowing He was waiting for me.
You are not alone in this, He is holding you. He’s got this and believe me when I say this, you don’t want to miss out on this love story because this story is about a king who laid His life down for YOU. He knows what it’s like to be humiliated, rejected, mocked, beaten and alone. Romans 8:37-39 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”.
When you undergo the process of subjugating yourself to the terrors of life, you aren’t left with a choice but to silence yourself from the world and stop existing and I did that. Why do I need to let someone know that there are bruises inside, I wasn’t theirs to save. There was a team formation whilst I was with my “friends”, we had to play the right way but I wasn’t able to contribute and knew that they wanted me out, as always I decided to resign from the team letting them know something’s come up. I never showed them I was hurt.
The world reminded me every day, I was worthless and deserved to be ashamed of myself and this was with me forever. On my way home one evening in a school bus I overheard a friend declaring who I was to a group of people and that was okay again because I knew how to be composed and never get affected by it in the presence of someone else, when I reached home, all I could do was turn the lights down, lay flat on my bed still wearing my school uniform and cry, it was quiet, I couldn’t let anyone in my home hear me because I was fine. I could feel someone embracing me, maybe it was me wanting a presence there, an unknown presence. In the stillness, in the quiet, on a wet pillow, I heard “I love you..”
When Jesus walked away to be whipped and beaten, I envisioned Him telling us; “Go, be free, this is mine to bear not yours anymore” He was alone, there were cries of mockery, he was torn, spat on, a rose that was trampled on, took the cross and walked toward his brutal death. My story is not important but my King is. I went after all those things that I could get when I couldn’t as a little boy, running endlessly to gain what I couldn’t achieve but I forgot that Jesus thought of me and you because we were worth to die for, I ignored a God with a love so scandalous. Every time I ran after meaningless relationships, I left Him, not knowing He was waiting for me.
You are not alone in this, He is holding you. He’s got this and believe me when I say this, you don’t want to miss out on this love story because this story is about a king who laid His life down for YOU. He knows what it’s like to be humiliated, rejected, mocked, beaten and alone. Romans 8:37-39 “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord”.