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Please let me explain. When I feel I am not right in God's eyes or am stumbling, I see the world in an empathetic light and can go about my life acknowledging people as equals. When I feel I am washed clean and righteous in the eyes of God, I become angry at the world. Angry that most people are not saved, that they don't understand, that they follow false gospels and are happy and unaware. It makes me bitter, judgmental, and unable to function in the world. In other words, I am more Christian when I'm not being Christian, in a sense. The bitterness flows forth into my gut and makes me want to churn some days. It makes me want to take many steps back from God because I can't handle it. Maybe that is it, that I am too unstable to handle it. Does anybody get this? I must be utterly bonkers, I swear it. Nothing seems to go right at all, ever. Am I under perpetual spiritual attack, too unstable to handle the Gospel, a combination, or something else? I'm tired of always having a controversy.
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