J
So there is some serious perversion in both sides of my family. One side is extremely tight lipped so the origin is dark. My mother's side is a little more open. Recently my mother met with a cousin and talked with her about her geneology project. Boy did some stories come out! Through the generations there was racism, worthlessness, incest, murder, secrecy, etc. One child was referred to as a worthless half breed and "sold off" to a 45 year old man she was 16. Then the man had a child with their daughter. My great grandmother's two brothers died traumatically. One died of an asthma attack and was found by his young siblings. The other was shot in the head and blown up with dynamite--hence the mafia connections. I had a greedy grandmother that began drinking because her first husband was weathy and she was living high on the hog, but when he died she married a poor sheep farmer. Her rage came out on my grandmother. My grandmother raged on my mom. And My mom raged on me. It's very enlightening.
My mother and I have had some very interesting conversations recently. Usually they end poorly, but they have recently become productive. This morning I was reminded of some things I had forgotten about my father and learned a few new things. My father is a complete pervert. He is an aggressive pedophile who loves to play stupid. At this point we are still talking, but from what I was reminded of today, I'm not sure we're going to be talking long. I'm sorry this is so shocking, but sometimes the shocking things need to come out so that they can be accepted and moved through. I've known that my father molested my sister and I for a long time. My sister has no memory before she was 10, but my mother caught my father molesting her when she was 2. When she confronted him, his response was "But, she liked it!" in the same conversation he admitted that he wanted to be the one to teach my sister about sex. First, she was 2. Ew! Second, she was his daughter. Ew! And so on and so forth. My mother was very aware of his perversion, but she was desperate to have a child so she didn't leave him. I was conceived without my father's "permission". Then, when I was two months old and my father was pressuring her, she gave in and my brother was conceived. He was angry with himself apparently.
I have reoccurring dreams and strange fears which all trace back to my father. I am fairly (90%) certain that they did occur to one degree or another. My mother tells me I was awakened early. I don't doubt it, though I only remember what happened after I was molested at 7. She reminded me of how I used to hurt myself when I was a toddler and the connection that it had with my dad's specific perversion. I actually remember that. She also reminded me of the basket of porn that my dad had in the bathroom even while he was living with my grandparents. They never said a thing to him about it though they knew my brother and I had access to it. My mom also revealed that my dad was a sado-masochist and that his porn habit began when he was little boy (6 or 7) in lengerie catalogs.
So I'm left with a bit of confusion. With all this information, where are the new boundaries drawn? Where did my dad's perversion originate? My grandparents were not perverted at all with us. They were very gentle and loving, but obviously there was something there that led them to not confront him about a basket of porn in the bathroom especially with kids around.
With this new connection, I don't think I'll be talking to my dad anymore. I feel like this just validates what I've feared and dreamed of.
My mother and I have had some very interesting conversations recently. Usually they end poorly, but they have recently become productive. This morning I was reminded of some things I had forgotten about my father and learned a few new things. My father is a complete pervert. He is an aggressive pedophile who loves to play stupid. At this point we are still talking, but from what I was reminded of today, I'm not sure we're going to be talking long. I'm sorry this is so shocking, but sometimes the shocking things need to come out so that they can be accepted and moved through. I've known that my father molested my sister and I for a long time. My sister has no memory before she was 10, but my mother caught my father molesting her when she was 2. When she confronted him, his response was "But, she liked it!" in the same conversation he admitted that he wanted to be the one to teach my sister about sex. First, she was 2. Ew! Second, she was his daughter. Ew! And so on and so forth. My mother was very aware of his perversion, but she was desperate to have a child so she didn't leave him. I was conceived without my father's "permission". Then, when I was two months old and my father was pressuring her, she gave in and my brother was conceived. He was angry with himself apparently.
I have reoccurring dreams and strange fears which all trace back to my father. I am fairly (90%) certain that they did occur to one degree or another. My mother tells me I was awakened early. I don't doubt it, though I only remember what happened after I was molested at 7. She reminded me of how I used to hurt myself when I was a toddler and the connection that it had with my dad's specific perversion. I actually remember that. She also reminded me of the basket of porn that my dad had in the bathroom even while he was living with my grandparents. They never said a thing to him about it though they knew my brother and I had access to it. My mom also revealed that my dad was a sado-masochist and that his porn habit began when he was little boy (6 or 7) in lengerie catalogs.
So I'm left with a bit of confusion. With all this information, where are the new boundaries drawn? Where did my dad's perversion originate? My grandparents were not perverted at all with us. They were very gentle and loving, but obviously there was something there that led them to not confront him about a basket of porn in the bathroom especially with kids around.
With this new connection, I don't think I'll be talking to my dad anymore. I feel like this just validates what I've feared and dreamed of.
With Love in Christ, Cabbage