Father Issues...

[Taelin]

Hey all... I really need advice....

I love my father, but we dont really have any relationship, and I dont know how to change that. It's always awkward talking to my dad. How do I build a relationship with him? I only moved in with him 4 years ago, and its just... difficult. My stepmom says its because I haven't forgiven him for the past things... but I dont know what to forgive him for..(?)

If anyone has a bit of advice, please share.....​

 

[Kathleen]

pray to God and he will open all doors he see's fit to open
You should try and talk to him more about little things- and everything else will come - ie. ask him how his day at work was?

 

[concernedguy]

Hey all... I really need advice....

I love my father, but we dont really have any relationship, and I dont know how to change that. It's always awkward talking to my dad. How do I build a relationship with him? I only moved in with him 4 years ago, and its just... difficult. My stepmom says its because I haven't forgiven him for the past things... but I dont know what to forgive him for..(?)

If anyone has a bit of advice, please share.....​

Trying to talk about little things is a good idea. But also pay attention to his responses. They might give
you more things that interest him. Also, if you can find a hobby that interest both of you, it will provide
a distraction to focus on as your relationship grows simply because you are spending time together.

Maybe he likes bowling or riding bikes. Some the best times I had with my daughter were just the two
of us goofing off riding around town on bikes.

Once you have tried for a while, if things aren't going well, you might hit it head on. Talk to him. Tell
him how you want to get to know him. You want him to be an active part of your life instead of just
existing in it. These are guy statements. They may not mean much to a woman but these statements
are high profile, red alert statements to a guy. He will understand them and see there is a problem
he needs to deal with.

But be patient and help as you can. Let him know you don't care if he makes some mistakes trying to
figure it out. Let him know its the effort that makes you happy and together the two of you will reach
the results together. Help him to not get discouraged if something doesn't work. You would amazed
how if something failed and you just gave him a big hug and said thanks, the positive impact it will
have. He won't see it as a failure. He'll see it as something that made his daughter proud.

 

[pickles]

There can be many reasons that we hold back from a parent that divorces. One that I felt was a sence of betrayal for my mom. I felt that by being kind to my dad I was being disloyal to my mom. Also, By my dad leaving all of us we felt abandonment. Some times I felt that I could never trust him as he already broke my trust by leaving. For me it was a blessing that my father left, but it was also very important that I forgive him. That forgiveness is not only for your dad but for you. If we carry any hurt in our hearts it can easly turn to bitterness. Through forgiveness we open our hearts to Jesus to heal the hurt. I hope this helps you in some way.
God bless, pickles

 

[ChristopherMichael]

Hey all... I really need advice....

I love my father, but we dont really have any relationship, and I dont know how to change that. It's always awkward talking to my dad. How do I build a relationship with him? I only moved in with him 4 years ago, and its just... difficult. My stepmom says its because I haven't forgiven him for the past things... but I dont know what to forgive him for..(?)

If anyone has a bit of advice, please share.....​

I've found that relationships don't always just spring up or click just because you're related to someone or you've spent a lot of time with them when you were kids or something. You've got to just be around them a lot and build up shared experiences, and try to relate to them. It's rough, particularly if they've been a jerk in the past, abandoned you as a kid, or something like that. Even if they're nice now. Most importantly I'd say pray about it a lot, cause God can work wonders when it comes to building bridges in your family.

God bless you!
- Topher

 

[Matthew]

I love my father, but we dont really have any relationship, and I dont know how to change that. It's always awkward talking to my dad. How do I build a relationship with him?

I have always struggled to have a relationship with my father, our family has always been stable and he is a good man, he always provided well for me but I could never connect with him and on a personal level I would say we have almost no relationship, I have immense respect for him but nothing else ever developed.

Part of the problem is we are very different people, unlike my siblings I do not take after one of my parents more than the other and so unlike all of them I do not have as much common ground with them in terms of interests and attitudes, and this has always made things difficult.
I came to realise I had to change how I viewed him, because we never had anything to share I always felt disconnected and as the child I felt like it was down to him to reach out to me and he never seemed to do it.

I began to feel like he didn't love me and for a while I really resented him, it was bad for me and it hurt my mother who could see we were not at all close, it is only as I have gotten older I realised I was blaming him for something beyond his control, I wanted a specific kind of father and he was very different to what I wanted.

I neve felt he gave me what I felt I needed, I had always been holding him to a standard I had made up in my mind and it meant he could only ever fail to be good enough for me, I have now put aside my expectatons and learned to take him as he is, things aren't a lot better but there is now potential and I feel more optimistic, I may not have anything better with him but I am not feeling negatively about it anymore, I realise he may not have given me what I wanted, but he has still given me a lot.

I guess my point is that I felt there was no potential for anything good until I let go of all my anger about the past and what it had failed to be for us as a father and son, only you each know if you are struggling to accept the past, but it seems like the first place to look.

 

[mercyswolf]

Trying to talk about little things is a good idea. But also pay attention to his responses. They might give
you more things that interest him. Also, if you can find a hobby that interest both of you, it will provide
a distraction to focus on as your relationship grows simply because you are spending time together.

Maybe he likes bowling or riding bikes. Some the best times I had with my daughter were just the two
of us goofing off riding around town on bikes.

Once you have tried for a while, if things aren't going well, you might hit it head on. Talk to him. Tell
him how you want to get to know him. You want him to be an active part of your life instead of just
existing in it. These are guy statements. They may not mean much to a woman but these statements
are high profile, red alert statements to a guy. He will understand them and see there is a problem
he needs to deal with.

But be patient and help as you can. Let him know you don't care if he makes some mistakes trying to
figure it out. Let him know its the effort that makes you happy and together the two of you will reach
the results together. Help him to not get discouraged if something doesn't work. You would amazed
how if something failed and you just gave him a big hug and said thanks, the positive impact it will
have. He won't see it as a failure. He'll see it as something that made his daughter proud.

I'll be point blank here and say that concerned is right. Because even if I only get to see my son every so often when I can go, these are bridges I'm going to have to also cross at some point in my life. From a father's perspective myself, I would suggest opening up to your dad. Tell him that you'd like to be a part of his life and find something the two of you can share as a common interest. Just for example, base ball. Ask him how things have been in his life and offer to hold general conversations about how school's going for you and so forth.

Best of luck.

 

[Taelin]

Thanks for all the advice... Its really appreciated... Things arent as awkward between me and my dad as its used to be, altho it's still a slow and long process. But its getting better! =)

 

[ChristopherMichael]

Praise God!

 

[CupOfColdWater]

Hey Tae! I had the same problem with my mom and all my family for that matter. My Dad was in prison my whole life and my mom has been a druggie since before I was born. When I became a christian I understood it was my job to make sure my family knew I loved them with all my heart. If you have a hard time talking to your dad the thing that helped me was Just be yourself. Dig deep down inside of you and pull out that person that you are in front of your dad. Make something to talk to him about up. ask him how his day is! show him funny stuff on the computer, Talk about anything like favorite colors, food, movies, characters, TV shows. Just make stuff up.
I will tell you one thing though don't go another day not telling him you love him. My dad passed away 3 years ago and I never got to tell him my whole Life I loved him unconditionally. You never know what will happen in the future and you want them to know at the drop of a dime you would do whatever it takes to show Gods Love towards them and be there for them.
God is all knowing so let Him know the future and you know what to do! The fruits of the spirit will bring your relationship together!
God Bless and Ill pray for you!

 

[CupOfColdWater]

To add to the forgiveness thing, the first thing to look at is what do you need to forgive him for But the biggest thing is you cannot forgive others if you haven't forgave yourself.

Col 3:12-14 says
12Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

When it says " you may have against one another " Its also talking about yourself. Forgive yourself for what you think you haven't found to forgive him for. then God will show you what you are to work on.
I am a sinner like everyone else and do not deserve the grace and Mercy of the one and all knowing God but I know that He sent His son so I could be forgivin and forgive others as He forgave me.
God Bless!

 

[BobbyJoe]

I am just a common man 61 years old and have seen alot. This issue about dads not having a close relationships with their children is common and thats terrible. I as a man find it hard to talk to my 36 year old daughter. Most men are not to good in relationships so do not take it hard on yourself. Men usually have a bunch of love inside but either do not no how to express it or are shy about it. You must take the lead in casual coversations with him. Most importantly is pray that God would put a burning love in you to show outwardly to him. You can melt the hadestest cases with little loving things.

 

[dee133]

I agree with concernedguy and BobbyJoe. In our culture, men are taught a whole different role than women and also, God created men and women differently. The main problem is in communication, and if you can get the lines of communications rolling, relationship will grow. Also, men show love in a different way sometimes than women. They tend not to be as outwardly emotional, whereas, we are. I will be praying for you and your dad's relationship to grow and be a mutually loving one.

 

[asamanthinketh]

If he doesn't want a relationship with you or to love you like you want and needed then it is not going to work and it will be a waste of your spiritual and emotional energy. If it is not working now, you could just keep that desire in your heart and be patient, maybe he will change. but I would say do not put all your hopes into it. live your life!