Feeling alone....in my marriage

[blessed2bliving]

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for 4. We have 3 children. My husband seems bored with me. I find myself always requesting quality time. He doesn't fulfill this need at all. He suggests that completing errands together is a substitute for that. He works overnight and doesn't come home to rest afterwards. He stays out for hours afterward his shift. When he does come home, he's too tired to be bothered. Yet sleeps a fews hours,only to get up and leave for the remainder of the day,almost until its time for him to return to work. He isn't much help with the children. I'm currently waiting to return to work and I'm also enrolled in college. I find myself overwhelmed with the neglect. I'm always handling the bills and taking care of our children's needs. If I ask him to take me and the children somewhere for a family outing,he doesn't have any ideas. His creativiy seems low when I ask him to plan something special for us. Valentine's Day was horrible. He invited relatives to tag along with us. Our night consisted of a 45min drive to Jack in the Box in another city then back home. The relatives smoked the enitre time. (I am not a smoker and I was 9 months pregnant at this time) It also turned out the two relatives didn't have any money and weren't even dressed for a romantic evening. It made me think that he didn't have anything in mind for us to do. I wonder If I was someone new, would he spice up his creativiy. It seems as if my husband's only interest is sex. I dont mind the sex but lately, it makes me feel low and abused. I am the last to know when he's depressed about something. He doesn't converse with me. I need romance. I've talked to him numerous times to express my feelings and I dont get much feedback. I need help. My sexual button is turned off by all of this. I find myself uninterested in it all! I'm trying to hang in but I'm not sure how much longer.

 

[Jullianna]

Three children within a very short period of time can be very taxing physically and emotionally, can't it? You both must be extremely tired. I only had one child while going to college and my husband and I were working so many long hours. I can't imagine how exhausted the two of you must be.

Do the two of you have family/friends who could help you with the kids from time to time so you can spend time together in creative ways that don't require spending a lot of money? Taking walks, riding bikes, just quietly watching a romantic movie together? Does your family attend church as a family (THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT; IT HELPS YOU BOTH GROW SPIRITUALLY AND PROVIDES YOU WITH CHRISTIAN FRIENDS WHO MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING SIMILAR SITUATIONS WHO COULD HELP)?

Is there something in particular he likes to do that you could offer to do with him? Do you do special things for him? Put notes in his pockets? Cook a meal you know he really likes? Take a little extra time with your hair/clothes (GET HIS ATTENTION. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN )? Give him a little extra attention/affection? Guys forget about romance sometimes and need a little nudge.

Praying for you and your family.

 

[tribesman]

I don 't want to be pesky or mark words...but the user blessed2bliving is a male user (blue font in username) and he speaks of "my husband" and being pregnant etc. Just thought it was something odd there.

 

[Jullianna]

Yep, tribesman. I'm thinking it's a lady who just make a mistake when signing up

 

[dmdave17]

This is, I think, a classic case of the "Mars/Venus syndrome". Unfortunately, men are put together differently than women. The need for "quality time" and "romance" is definitely a female thing. However, this does not excuse a man from being totally ignorant of his wife's wishes and desires. From your age, I'm guessing that he, too, is a young man, maybe mid-twenties or so. He has had a lot of responsibility laid at his doorstep. This can cause the kind of behavior you are describing. It is his way of hanging on to his "youth" while still fulfilling what he sees as his role as husband.

I would suggest that you try to engage him in a serious, reasonable discussion about your relationship. This would best be done away from your children if you can arrange for some child care one evening. A nice dinner at a good restaurant would also probably help, but you don't want it to get overly romantic (in my opinion). Again, men equate "romance" with sex (another "Mars/Venus" thing), and that would not be your goal for this talk. I believe that your goal should be to open his eyes to what he is doing to your relationship.

Finally, have you really taken your problem to God and asked for His guidance? Have you asked Him to intervene in your marriage and steer your husband toward a closer relationship with you? As Christians we believe that God can accomplish all those things which we cannot do on our own. It probably wouldn't hurt to seek His advice and counsel, too.

God be with you in your struggles.

 

[answers]

I can relate to your emotions throughout your post. I will tell you as long as you both have the same definition of commitment then this is probably just a phase. When my husband and I got together, my Aunt had told me to remember 3,5, and 7. I asked why, she said that those seem to be the years that things are going wrong. For me 3 was when at least one of us was turned off from the other, year5 was when we were both annoyed of our life together and year 7 was the year my husband thought his life might be better without me. We knew this and fought for eachother through it all. Year 7 stuff is still lingering here and there, but we have managed to still be married. We are about to celebrate our 11th this month.

Have you ever read the book or taken "The 5 Love Languages" test? This might be something fun for you and your husband to do. It will help you identify your primary and secondary love language you speak. He might speak a different language than you, this could be why you feel lonely.
God bless