Thank you for all comments and prayers. It’s rough. I know not everything is my fault. I try to blame myself for everything though. I need change. My heart is still in need of change. I’m fighting bitterness. I’m having a hard time staying focused with my daughter around. I guess my biggest struggle is being still and the pain I feel. I know the right thing to do is to wait to see what she does, pray, seek God, and trust Him no matter what. If the consequences of my wrong doings means divorce. I know I have to accept that. The uncertainty and the waiting is hard. Sometimes I think if I just go ahead and file the pain will be over and I can start over because why would she take me back. The biggest issue was me fussing and When I get upset I fuss. I did good for a while, but I let a hurt build up for months and it all came out. Through that I was distancing myself from her first and thinking she didnt care and that someone else would. I didn’t cheat on her just distanced myself and thought about it. I wish I would have tried to resolve the issue with her sooner. I was scared too and I didn’t think it would matter.
Im living with regret and uncertainty. I really need to be strong around my daughter. I have confusion I’m dealing with. I’m trying not to but I find myself analyzing what was said and not said between us. I want to be in church but don’t really no where to go. I need a men’s group but I haven’t really found one around here. I’m praying more now, but I still wrestle with doubts towards God and trying not to be mad at Him.
I guess one of the biggest things I struggle with is why she said that my health didn’t matter working all the hours I worked and that there are a lot of men who have the same health issues and still do it. I watched a video clip from a pastor that was speaking on marriage. His words were you don’t find out what real love is until after you get married. He specifically said, when times get tough is he waiting for crumbs off of your plate because he wants to make sure your fed first. Or, when someone’s health goes bad, if they had to quit working, are you willing to take care of them for the rest of their life.
i dont want to quit work. I am doing things to try to make my health better. It’s just when I was feeling like I couldn’t make it anymore working the 12 hr shifts. I nicely asked her if she would go back to work, she got mad and said what she said. Now she is leaving me. My daughter is telling me of plans they are making without me. For instance, my wife said she couldn’t go to winter jam if it’s cold because you have to stand outside. Now she is going but told Riley I couldn’t come. She fought to not go back to work when I asked. But now she’s left, ignores me and won’t speak unless it has to do with what bills are getting paid, and is looking everywhere for a job. In just 4 days since she’s left she has her resume posted. But wouldn’t when we were together.
i guess lastly, she said things that showed she didn’t care about my health. But 2 days ago she posted something on Facebook about the importance of getting enough sleep and the health issues that can come from not. Me wanting to get another job was to try to get more sleep, be able to exercise, and to cut down on the stress of working 12 hrs and driving almost an hour to work and an hour home. Me getting enough sleep was one thing we would always fuss about. She would always complain about me being tired and why I didn’t want to stay up. I was getting 3-5 hours of sleep to try to do these things and this past year I finally said I couldnt do it anymore. I started going to bed at 7:30 because I had to be up at 3:30. I just always felt like she didn’t understand in the past. When it was brought up before she left. She said, excuse me for wanting to spend time with you. And haven’t you noticed, I don’t ask anymore. I don’t cry anymore when we fuss. And I don’t care about you as much anymore and you made me that way.
When I talked to Her on the phone the day she left. She said I don’t care what you do with your life. You can do whatever you want now. I left you and I don’t want to be with you. I make you miserable and you are making me miserable. I said she wasn’t that my job was. She said don’t try to talk to her through Riley, don’t try to get Riley to put her on the phone. She is done. However, she is telling Riley things to tell me. Which I don’t appreciate I guess. If there is money coming out for a bill for Riley, I don’t think she should be having Riley text that to me. Riley come over this weekend. She bought a bobo dog for our dog Ivy that was really mine but still a family dog, and Riley is telling me that she was told to tell me that puppy pads are really cheap at Fred’s.
I’m trying not to read in to anything. It’s confusing. She says one thing and then does stuff like that. Part of me wants to move on and accept her word that it’s over. Part of me wants to hold on but I’m afraid that it’s too late. I know the Bible says the only cause for divorce is adultry. I wrestle with that. I haven’t done that. I wrestle with doing what’s right before God and not filing first and the thoughts of what does it matter. If she is gone and she says she is done. What does it matter. The pain and confusion will be a lot less if I just go ahead and get it over with.
Im living with regret and uncertainty. I really need to be strong around my daughter. I have confusion I’m dealing with. I’m trying not to but I find myself analyzing what was said and not said between us. I want to be in church but don’t really no where to go. I need a men’s group but I haven’t really found one around here. I’m praying more now, but I still wrestle with doubts towards God and trying not to be mad at Him.
I guess one of the biggest things I struggle with is why she said that my health didn’t matter working all the hours I worked and that there are a lot of men who have the same health issues and still do it. I watched a video clip from a pastor that was speaking on marriage. His words were you don’t find out what real love is until after you get married. He specifically said, when times get tough is he waiting for crumbs off of your plate because he wants to make sure your fed first. Or, when someone’s health goes bad, if they had to quit working, are you willing to take care of them for the rest of their life.
i dont want to quit work. I am doing things to try to make my health better. It’s just when I was feeling like I couldn’t make it anymore working the 12 hr shifts. I nicely asked her if she would go back to work, she got mad and said what she said. Now she is leaving me. My daughter is telling me of plans they are making without me. For instance, my wife said she couldn’t go to winter jam if it’s cold because you have to stand outside. Now she is going but told Riley I couldn’t come. She fought to not go back to work when I asked. But now she’s left, ignores me and won’t speak unless it has to do with what bills are getting paid, and is looking everywhere for a job. In just 4 days since she’s left she has her resume posted. But wouldn’t when we were together.
i guess lastly, she said things that showed she didn’t care about my health. But 2 days ago she posted something on Facebook about the importance of getting enough sleep and the health issues that can come from not. Me wanting to get another job was to try to get more sleep, be able to exercise, and to cut down on the stress of working 12 hrs and driving almost an hour to work and an hour home. Me getting enough sleep was one thing we would always fuss about. She would always complain about me being tired and why I didn’t want to stay up. I was getting 3-5 hours of sleep to try to do these things and this past year I finally said I couldnt do it anymore. I started going to bed at 7:30 because I had to be up at 3:30. I just always felt like she didn’t understand in the past. When it was brought up before she left. She said, excuse me for wanting to spend time with you. And haven’t you noticed, I don’t ask anymore. I don’t cry anymore when we fuss. And I don’t care about you as much anymore and you made me that way.
When I talked to Her on the phone the day she left. She said I don’t care what you do with your life. You can do whatever you want now. I left you and I don’t want to be with you. I make you miserable and you are making me miserable. I said she wasn’t that my job was. She said don’t try to talk to her through Riley, don’t try to get Riley to put her on the phone. She is done. However, she is telling Riley things to tell me. Which I don’t appreciate I guess. If there is money coming out for a bill for Riley, I don’t think she should be having Riley text that to me. Riley come over this weekend. She bought a bobo dog for our dog Ivy that was really mine but still a family dog, and Riley is telling me that she was told to tell me that puppy pads are really cheap at Fred’s.
I’m trying not to read in to anything. It’s confusing. She says one thing and then does stuff like that. Part of me wants to move on and accept her word that it’s over. Part of me wants to hold on but I’m afraid that it’s too late. I know the Bible says the only cause for divorce is adultry. I wrestle with that. I haven’t done that. I wrestle with doing what’s right before God and not filing first and the thoughts of what does it matter. If she is gone and she says she is done. What does it matter. The pain and confusion will be a lot less if I just go ahead and get it over with.
