Forgiving

[Vixen5]

Hello all!

I am new to these forums and wanted some advice as I am truly trying to be a christian and forgive. My H cheated and I found out about 6 months ago. I have stayed with my H and we are trying to move past this horrible time in our lives. It has been such a struggle for me to move past all of this and I still have some anger twords him. I don't know what to do. He is doing all of the right things. We are both committed to making this work and I find that I am the one to ruin those special moments we have together. I am not sure why I continue to push him away if I am trying to put our marriage back together. I trust God and know that I am doing the right thing by loving my husband and working though this, yet I don't understand how to push these negative feelings away. Does anyone have any great advice in trying to be more positive when I am around him and not have any anger or resentment twords him?

 

[DanuckInUSA]

He is not forgiven if you are still angry with him. Be open and honest with him about your anger and then forgive him.

 

[ProdigalSon]

Hi Vixen my name is prodigalson and welcome to CC. I want to thank you for posting this and seeking advice or help in this issue. I can see that you really love you husband and are trying to make your marriage work. My advice first is to pray... not in the"just pray about it" way but seriously just make your plea and supplication before God. And not you alone but with you and your husband, both of you TOGETHER!!! Not just you because you didnt cheat on him and not just him because of the effect it is having on you as well. Second, change the image that you have of your husband. I mean understand that he is just a human that can be wrong and mess up BADLY!!! I say this because it seems as if your anger comes when you see him or when you are around him and probably when you think of him in times past. Sometime we can think that our spouses are these people that we read about in fairy tales or see in movies but the truth is we are just imperfect people. That is in no way to excuse what he did but to show that we all fall short and to understand that we don't make the best of decisions. Third, and most important you must let Christ be the mediator in your marriage. Christ has to come between you and your husband. Christ must be the tie that binds , or the glue that is holding you two together. Christ is love and to love is Christ. I wish that i could tell you how to just forget about it but i cant. The only thing that I can tell you is keep your focus on Christ. There is alot of scripture that i could have written here but i didnt in hopes that you would look them up yourself and read them with your husband. The only one i will put here is this one "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6. I am praying for you and your marriage sis God bless you and have an awesome day!

 

[Seriously_Cool_Wife]

I have been in a similar place with my spouse. He didn't do more than kiss another woman, but he also around the same time started hurting me during intimate times between us and got a little abusive after I ended up pg with our third. I had to take my two other kids 5 and 3... and go in a shelter for two-three weeks until he got himself turned around.

I had a really hard time getting over this. I was angry... and hurt. And while I WANTED to be forgiving, and I kept forcing myself to say and act forgiving, I was still so hurt. It really didn't help people to tell me that I was being unforgiving because I still felt so hurt, I wanted some one to help me heal my wounds and instead, they were telling me how I had to do things to help him!!!

Anyway, my suggestion is to work on yourself and your relationship with God, and just be 100% honest to your husband. Tell him that you are there still BECAUSE you choose to forgive him, but that is just what it is... waking up every day and choosing to not be angry. Choosing to lay down your walls and defenses. As you are patient and forgiving toward him, he needs to be patient and forgiving toward you and allow you the time to heal.

 

[stoobee]

I think you have a very good head on your shoulders, and you are very realistic with the advice you offered. It is always sad to learn how many beautiful moments are wasted because we are so rebellious. But you did what was right, and I commend you for it.

We have a tendancy to point fingers and critique others---which is useful in its season, but there are times to be gentle-spirited and encouraging and give complimenmts when they ought to be given. Thank you for sharing.

 

[stoobee]

Dear Vixen5,

First, you show courage trying to find answers to such difficult questions. It is most beneficial to always turn to God's word when wanting to know the truth. You stated, "...yet I don't understand how to push these negative feelings away." Well Vixen, you can't! You cannot do any of this in yourself. It is Christ, and Christ alone who has already done this for you at the Cross. What we do cannot ever be based upon how we feel, for feelings are very unreliable, and unpredictible. They are like the wind, going one way one moment, and another in the next. We must never depend upon how we feel to get us through. We depend upon the living word of God by faith, not by feeling. We are like little children, never knowing before hand what will take place, but trusting God, who is perfect. When you go to a restaurant to eat a hamburger, you do not see the chef cooking it, or whether it is his intention to add poison to your meal. None of your five senses determine this. You cannot feel it, smell it, taste it, see it, or hear it---until it is delivered to your table by the waiter. You trust that your meal is prepared correctly. You trust that it is because you watch others eat who survive. Faith is not blind, but trustworthy. By choice, you obey God's Word and His Holy Spirit because you trust God to finish a good work in you that He has started.

So don't be discouraged, but persevere as you have been. If you need help along the way, get it; advice, ask. If you need wisdom, what did our Lord tell us:

Pr 24:3 By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established;
Pr 24:4 through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

Be wise then, so you may acquire the treasures that call you.

 

[Vixen5]

I want to thank all of you for responding. I am reading the bible daily and have been asking God to help lead me in this battle. I am very grateful for each of you and your positive input. I will continue to ask God to show me the way so that I can truly move this mountain and live. I am so glad I joined.

 

[choZn]

I feel your pain. My first husband cheated on me. We divorced for a few years then remarried. I became pregnant with our 2nd child right away and he cheated on me throughout the entire pregnancy.The marriage ended after only a year. I eventually met an old schoolmate and fellow-christian 5 yrs. later and married him sure that Gods blessing had been given. Two months before our 2nd anniversary I called him on his cell phone and caught him cheating on me -with another man. For 45 minutes I listened as my world came crashing to my feet and my heart broke into a million pieces. We just celebrated our 6th anniversary.
It hasn't been easy. At first I wanted out. He sank into a deep depression, began talking suicidal and I felt bound to our marriage more out of fear for his life than for the covenant of marriage itself. This made me resent him even more. He made some serious sacrifices and his efforts to make up for his wrong still haunt him. I was repulsed by him, didn't want to be near him and even questioned what difference did it make anyway since it wasn't my first marriage.
But it does make a difference. As christians we are to be Christlike, forgiving one another, not just when it's easy. The day after my husbands infidelity I was on my knees crying my heart out to God. Without thinking, I cried out "My husband betrayed me, God! Do you have any idea what that's like?! What am I going to do?" I received instantly a vivid picture of Christ on the cross and the answer:"Do as I have done for you." The cross wasn't easy nor am I deserving of his mercy.
Forgiving my husband has been a journey. There have been good days and bad days, more bad days at the beginning. Forgiveness has not come instantly. It has grown as we both have nurtured it by seeking Gods help and being faithful to him. Recently I realized that the good days far outweigh the bad and the thing I have prayed for the hardest, to truly forget all that I heard and felt on that day as a sign of my true forgiveness- it's all becoming a little fuzzy to me now. In the beginning, one of the hardest parts was not telling anyone to protect my husband. Now, I am so glad I didn't destroy him as I could have.
I hope this has helped you in some way or can help someone else who reads this. I have never shared this with anyone before. I do know that what you're feeling is perfectly normal and part of a healing process, and I applaud you for still being there and trying to make it work. Just remember that it IS a process and it requires God's help. When you have a bad day or get discouraged embrace it as part of your healing then move on as quickly as possible. I will keep you in my prayers and have already asked God to grant healing in your marriage and to strengthen you both in your resolve to him first and to one another. Blessings to you both.

 

[Wonderland]

Oh Vixen, I am so sorry this happened to you!
You are right in choosing to forgive, but forgiveness is a process, and you are right where you need to be right now. I was struggling with "unforgiveness" toward my husband--or so I thought. But God gave peace to my spirit and said, "You have been deeply hurt. It is ok to feel angry right now. I will help you with it, but don't' be so hard on yourself. Accept where you are and I will move you along."

And He has! God is so faithfull--but on HIS time (We all know that's right!) I stayed faithful, praying, pleading, seeking a resolution. God allowed me to wrestle it out because he wanted me to depend on Him. From that experience I realized that my husband will never be all I need, but God will be.

Allow this unhappy season it's time, but realize that this will not last forever. You will find forgiveness in your heart for your husband, and you will be a better person and a stronger Christian for it.

Be blessed.