Getting "rid" of negative people?

[Cairparavel]

I follow several natural health/holistic type of groups on social media. Over and over i keep hearing how people need to get rid of negative people in their life. People that use and hurt you on a regular basis. They take it as far as your "energy" is being sapped and has especially harmful consequences for a highly sensitive person (HSP).

As a Christian I just can't believe this ok. Our Lord took on SO much suffering, the least we can do is suffer a little along with Him, right? Isn't it ok to be abused emotionally, spiritually, or even physically? Look at Paul. He suffered a lot too. Many of us in America are so pampered and coddled and told hurting and pain is bad. Take a pill for this. Take a pill for that. Pain bad, pleasure good. But what if all this self-help feel good stuff is not how we are supposed to live?

What if suffering for God is actually glorifiying His Kingdom? Could it? I mean, martyrs are the most extreme level of sacrifice for His Kingdom, why not the abused? I just don't get this modern thinking. I guess because honestly right now i'm trying to justify a very unhealthy marraige i can't get out of. I tried twice, but he convinced me to stay. It's either he's miserable without me or i am miserable with him. So laying down my life is what i'm supposed to do as much as it hurts when i see happy couples who actually love eachother and are both following God together.

I literally don't have anyone to talk to. And i can't afford counseling. We are basically hermits and he likes it that way. He always says how he doesn't need friends and me and our daughter are all he needs to be happy. So the pressure is intense to stay and keep things how they are.

I would get "rid" of this highly hurtful and negative person in my life if i wasn't married to him and if God thought divorce was actually ok in this situation. But adultry is the only time it's ok and then you have to wait for one of you to die b4 getting remarried. Him and i have argued about what actually constitutes adultry. I believe he has already. He does not agree and refuses to get couples counseling. He says we "communicate JUST fine" and don't need counseling. It's true we are best friends also, so we DO talk out things alot, but my issues are CORE issues in the marriage (like feeling forced into this marriage for his convenience), not squabbles about money and who hurt who's feelings.

I won't go into a lot of details, but i seriously believe he is the reason for ALL my physical ills which derive directly from stress. He used to drink a lot (i shouldve left then) but now he doesn't as much and mainly sticks to beer. ("aren't u so proud of me, honey?") He used to yell a lot more ("but i don't get mad a much as i used to, aren't u so glad, dear?") And yes, he is better in some ways, but that doesn't change the fact that i felt coerced into the whole eloping thing in the first place at my weakest moment becuase his mother didn't approve of him staying at my apartment overnight all the time (we didn't do anything but cuddle and i was also over 200 lbs) At the time he was staying at his parent's house.

In a nutshell, i felt like the only reason i got married to this guy was so make him and his parents happy. Oh, the reason why i was over 200 pounds was because 3 months b4 we eloped to S.Lake Tahoe, Nevada he was in jail and i binged on food and alcohol like crazy. And what few female church friends i had dumped me...so i hung out with stoners instead and ate a lot of food. I became hypothyroid as i was gaining 10-15 pounds a week.

I lost and gained several times since then...and finally slowly getting my body back through clean eating/whole foods eating lifestlye. But stress is still a major factor hindering my overall wellbeing, and now i have Adrenal Fatigue syndrome as well as hypothroidism and leaky gut, ibs issues too. And recently i have been trying to "heal" my gut issues through a specific diet protocol, but surprise surprise the dominant "type" of gut i have is what's called "stressed gut" (there are different leaky gut types-immune gut,candida gut,stressed gut, etc)

This is the main reason why i'm writing this right now because i'm trying to solve something that feels unsolvable and impossible. I'm trying to heal my insides, but i can't with the type of stress i deal with daily. Specifically my symptoms are this: My stomach tightens and I gets a stomach ache and/or my upper back and shoulders instantly tighten (i have chronic knots and upper back pain too) every time he yells and gets mad at something. It could even be something not very serious, but my body reacts just the same to my daughter getting an F on her report card or the dog eating something it's not supposed to. It's just that bellowing voice and i'm so sick of it i just want to go somewhere for awhile, but there's nowhere to go. I don't have much money or friends to go to stay at their place.

So i'm trying to convince myself this is ok. I have begged God almost every day on what to do about this and who i can talk to (for free). But i never hear anything. So I'm guessing this is one of those hard "lay down your life" kind of things since i don't always agree with the cushy American no pain culture anyway.

I'm just so frustrated because i finally have found the key to my health - destressing - but i can never attain this with such an intense and difficult man to live with. It's like the carrot always will be right in front of me and i will never be able to get as long as i have to be chained to this man. When i'm alone i feel so much peace. When i'm with him i feel so much strife and tension and physical problems, but what else can i do?

 

[azlightsout]

So many 'I''s ----------

 

[mystdancer50]

It can be difficult to process things, especially when our filters are engaged. I am truly sorry that you feel so alone and stressed out. While I agree that we need to be available, we don't need to be abused. If someone is emotionally, physically, spiritually, sexually, or mentally abusive/harmful to you, you cannot safely keep them in your life. Believe me when I say that Christ wouldn't want you to, either. You can remove negative people from your life and pray from them. Forgive them but don't allow them to remain and torment you. That wouldn't help them or you in the long run.

 

[Sirk]

From my perspective we need to be wise with who we let in our inner circle. I used to have too many friends. I still have lots of friends and acquaintances but my ministry is being a dad and my work right now. If I were to have a bunch of knuckleheads in my life who spewed negativity it would negatively impact those two things and that would be unwise....for me at least. Everybody is different but we should seek to know what our limits are so we can be healthy. If we are unhealthy we are no good to anyone.

 

[Rosesrock]

I lead a womams support group for Christ centering. Honestly we all need to surround ourselves with those who will push us closer to the Lord. We can't change other people but we can know Him more to change ourselves. Pray. Ask for wisdom. Ask Christ to protect you. My main prayer this past year.. Jesus, give me those that will strengthen me and ban those that will pull me away from you.

 

[Willie-T]

I lead a womams support group for Christ centering. Honestly we all need to surround ourselves with those who will push us closer to the Lord. We can't change other people but we can know Him more to change ourselves. Pray. Ask for wisdom. Ask Christ to protect you. My main prayer this past year.. Jesus, give me those that will strengthen me and ban those that will pull me away from you.

And I pray kind of the opposite. LOL I thank God that I have a church full of positive people, and I ask that I can be recharged sufficiently with them that He will trust me enough to get out there with at least a few negative ones who have no one else. I ain't much, but perhaps being with me is better than them being left with only friends who don't know Jesus.

 

[Rosesrock]

And I pray kind of the opposite. LOL I thank God that I have a church full of positive people, and I ask that I can be recharged sufficiently with them that He will trust me enough to get out there with at least a few negative ones who have no one else. I ain't much, but perhaps being with me is better than them being left with only friends who don't know Jesus.

Yes Willie. But not everyone is as blessed as you. Most people are fighting to get out of toxic situations. Cloudy and dreary. I am so very thankful for those around me.

 

[Willie-T]

Yes Willie. But not everyone is as blessed as you. Most people are fighting to get out of toxic situations. Cloudy and dreary. I am so very thankful for those around me.

We are all messed up in some way. And I think this is one of the things the Bible goes out of the way to demonstrate. Other than Jesus, there is not one of the great movers and shakers in that book who didn't have some serious underlying problems. Yet, they went out and did what they were called to do.

In fact, it is often our very weaknesses that will reach others. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT FACT TO GRASP.

If any of us wait until we have it all together to let Jesus walk the Earth through us, we will NEVER take even one step.

 

[renewed_hope]

The other morning I had one of the most encouraging conversations I've ever had. She had told me she was doing a senior fundraiser in a mint field and the truck she was in was involved in an accident resulting in her being paralyzed from the chest down. She went from one day to dancing and running off with friends to the next not feeling anything. When the doctor came in and told her that she would never walk again her response to him was, "I will, you just watch me". While she was in the hospital she had the opportunity to watch so many people her age being so discouraged, blaming so many other people that caused their paralysis, not her. God used this situation to show her to have faith and be strong because the battle has already been won. Even though God does not create the dilemmas in our lives, he uses them for his purpose and will. Two years after the accident she was finally able to feel menstrual cramps and tingling in her legs, how awesome is that? Her faith and will to overcome the curse the enemy had set before her, God is proving himself time and time again to perform miracles.

 

[Cairparavel]

I've given up on church. I've given up on trying to find a new one. Tired of hopping.

The last one we went to for almost 10 years I didn't know one soul until last year when i met a gal who is similar to me and not exlusively cliquish with all the established families in that church. They don't take kindly to new people unless you fit their "type" which is is upper middle class and dress like them. But if you are lucky they might talk to you if you have an extremely outgoing personality. (And yes, i tried going to Bible studies and such to "get plugged in" as they call it, but no one ever wanted to say "hi" to me the following Sunday. Nice on a Wednesday, but on Sunday somehow they don't even recognize me at all.)

So i've had it with that church and churches in general. I wasn't raised in church either, so i don't have a church my parents go either to seeing how they are athiest and agnostic. At least i still believe in the true gospel, I just don't like the way organized religion does things. I like the Jesus of the Bible way better. I'm too busy anyway during the week doing local musical theatre with distracts me from my marital problems. And these people are WAY more accepting and kind to me. More than church folk EVER have been.

If anything the judgementalism, legalism and negativity in people comes from churches i've been to and tried to attend. Just be thankful you guys have good churches to go to and have a great support system and friends and people to pray for you. I need to wing this life thing on my own..and God willing He will bring me more good friends in my life. I'm glad i have one now after 20 years even though we aren't super close yet.

 

[Willie-T]

This little story might have a lot with what we find in churches.

What are people like here?

An old man sat quietly rocking on his front porch when a young couple approached him.

“Sir”, the husband said, “We’re thinking of moving to this town, and wondered if you could give us an idea of what the people are like here.”

“Well”, the old man replied, “What were they like where you came from?”

Both the husband and wife enthusiastically answered that they were friendly, outgoing, and always ready to lend a helping hand.

“Yeah, they’re pretty much the same way here.”, said the old gent.

A few hours later another young couple drove up and they too asked the same question of the elderly man.

“Sir”, the husband said, “We’re thinking of moving to this town, and wondered if you could give us an idea of what the people are like here.”

“Well”, the old man replied, “What were they like where you came from?”

Both the husband and wife snapped back that “those people” were very unfriendly, secretive and reclusive, and never seemed to care a thing about anyone but themselves.

“Yeah, they’re pretty much the same way here.”, replied the old gent.

 

[mailmandan]

I love my church! No cliques or politics and no Debbie Downers.

 

[azlightsout]

I love my church! No cliques or politics and no Debbie Downers.

View attachment 149853

lol === thats the face to avoid ----

 

[JosephsDreams]

The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?” “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.”

– Jonah 1:11-12 (NIV)​

The sea is the symbol of darkness and chaos. Just like the Genesis account of creation, when Jonah surrenders to God’s word the sea becomes calm. What if the storms that we face are not because the world has become so wicked, but because God’s people are so out of alignment with God’s will? What if one of the purposes of storms is to bring God’s people back to his plans? This understanding may change the way that we view the storms of life and the ways that we will respond to those storms.

By Dave Whitehead

 

[Cairparavel]

I was up late last night researching on the Internet about "emotional abuse" like i do every 6 months or so. One of the websites i found something new to me: how the abuser usually has what's called a Personality Disorder. There were four in the category and 2 that really stuck out me that he seems to be a combination of: Borderline and Narcissistic..and maybe even some of Antisocial traits.

It came from the website "out of the F.O.G" and a lot this makes SO much sense since he's a man who can NEVER be reasoned with whatever you do and pretty much always gets his way even when it's twisted around to look like i got my way.

My husband fit most, but not every single symptom of some of these personality disorders. He's never been diagnosed, of course, because he functions somewhat ok in the world, but lost a good job because of an anger outburst....Now he yells at my parents a lot because he can get away with their good natured personalities. My parents are also our bosses, owners of very small photography business which we both work for. And they won't ever fire him because they know he's a fast worker. He sorta has good cause to yell at my dad at least because my he is very eccentric, disorganized, selfish, and doesn't listen to people very well. My husband also calls my father a bully sometimes, because he inadvertantly puts other people down by making fun of them. (i don't think the joking is to purposely hurt people, but my huband thinks so) My husband has actually helped organize and fix a lot of problems that were going on at work. So all of us have him to thank for that. He's also the kind of guy who will make a stink at a restaurant if the service sucks and if they take forever. He had the audacity to expect me to support him in his last rant. I was so embarrassed, but he kept shouting out loud in the parking lot as i left the restaurant before him "You are suppost to support me!! You are my wife!! What's wrong with you??!!" Uh. dude. take a look at yourself.

Anyway, the above is just a tiny slice of what i've had to put up with for 18 yrs. He sees nothing wrong with his behavior and feels justified in everything he does. This is why I keep tossing back and forth in my mind for the last 5 years or so if this in fact an abusive relationship. I even found a Christian website that described certain parts of my relationship to a "T"...it was uncanny and disturbing to realize this. Specifically it was about the intimacy part of an abusive relationship, or lack thereof, i should say.

I don't want to set up the whole "escape plan" thing i hear about because that would be too threatening to him and make things worse. It would only piss him off too much. He worries about me when i do crazy things, like running away which i sorta did once and stayed at his sister's overnight one time, but it was all blamed on MY crazy bipolar lady stuff, not his outburst of anger that instigated the whole "pack up and leave" thing.

I'm just trying to sort out my feelings..i journal A LOT...like every day especially when these feelings of not being treated right come on. I have denied them for the most part thinking "oh, i just need to pray for him more and be a really good Godly wife and example" I shove the feelings under the proverbial cloak of trying to be the best Christian wife i can be and then things will all turn out alright and i won't make him mad or have to walk on eggshells as much if i'm perfect. But i know this is not a normal way to live and i know deep down my marriage is highly dysfunctional, if not emotionally abusive. The reason why i can't do much about my situation and why i feel so hopeless is that I"M he crazy one here in this relationship. I have actually been diagnosed with bipolar, but unfortunately a bipolar and a personality disorder seems to work perfectly for the personality disorder person, while the bipolar person suffers immensely. I've heard even normal women can "feel" like they are going crazy...try multipliying that 100 times in a bipolar person who feels emotions very deeply!!

So self doubt about my own feelings has crept in because of the subtle brainwashing and "gas lighting" that has occured for so long. And i even have doubts that these feelings are even real, because of my own moodswings. Yes, he's put up with some of my own erratic behavior, but it's usually in direct response to him and his behavior. So you see how complicated this is. Maybe if i can get supplemental part time job i can afford counseling someday to clear all this up because i feel like i'm going crazy, but not enough to go to the hospital....just very frustrated feeling is all.

 

[JosephsDreams]

Do you have access to a mental health care professional? Maybe like a therapist? I sounds like your situation can be overwhelming.
Borderline personality disorders are very real, and something not to be taken lightly. Does he ever say or imply that he may need emotional or psychological help?
His issues, coupled with yours, makes for a explosive environment.
People on this site are praying you him and you.