1
I remember, growing up in my church, having been saved at around 5 or 6 years old, I always struggled with what people taught me. It wasn't hard for me to do what people taught me, like obey your parents, don't lie, don't cheat or steal. Those were easy. But what I struggled with was that even at age 6 and 7 everything was beginning to repeat. I was hearing the same old thing, over and over again. Old manna, so to speak. I was the girl that knew all the answers to every question, and I was the girl that memorized all of those bible verses. But I was longing for something more. Something deeper.
As I said, I got saved at either age 5 or 6, around Easter. But I remember being 7 years old and crying late at night in the basement where no one could hear me, because I missed the peace and joy that I felt that day I got saved. I hadn't felt it since.
And I always wondered,... "God, why don't you seem real to me? I know you're there, I felt you when I was saved! Why don't I feel that way now? Why would I feel like that when I got saved if you didn't mean for me to have that for my entire life as a Christian?"
This tiring cycle of pretending to be fine with the answers people gave me in church and crying on average once a month until I was 14 was just wearing down on me. I felt that I was going to become a part of the 80% of people that leave the church when they're older "statistics". I felt just as satisfied playing violent video games as I did listening to a Sunday sermon. The only difference was, the sermons would leave me questioning why God wasn't in the sermons,... video games, I didn't have to ask anything about.
Until finally, my heart gave out. I didn't realize this until later, but in my heart I pretty much said, "God, please show me you now! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and if I don't find you soon, I'm not going to stay in the church when I'm older, even though I know you're the truth!"
And that week, my mom took me and my 2 sisters to a women's bible study that had been recommended to her by a friend. I was complaining, making excuses about how I had homework to do. (I was homeschooled). For some reason, I hated it whenever my mom or dad would try to make me go to a bible study or listen to a pastor on a cd or a video seminar. I've had a bunch of those, and I was getting sick and tired of those as well.
But when I heard the first message, I knew something was different. I didn't quite get what they were talking about, but I knew God was in what the speaker was saying. And it was only a group of maybe 10-15 people. I came the next week, excited to see what it was that this person had. They had a truth that I never heard before, and that second week, I finally got what they had said. God's word became alive! I finally began to feel his peace and joy, and I finally began to feel like God was really there.
You see, the reason why I hadn't felt those God emotions before (besides when I got saved) wasn't God's fault. It was mine. As he says in Romans 3:11 (KJV) , "There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God." And that verse,
Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
God had been knocking on the door of my heart the whole time since the moment I was saved, and maybe before then. (I do not know if this verse pertains to before salvation, but I know it pertains to after salvation.)
The problem was, I had accepted what the church had spoken to be the truth. Even though I was searching for a deeper truth, I never left room for the church to have any error in what it taught. I had been pretty much raised to the "fact" that anything taught in church or at a bible study was right. I never left room for error. There also lied this issue of self-righteousness, where I thought that I had answers to a bunch of life's problems. After all, those answers were things I had been taught in the church a million times over. They must be right... right?
But when I finally gave my final cry to God, I wanted the truth. I finally acknowledged that I didn't know anything, and that the church must be doing something wrong. When I admitted that in my heart, God began to show me great things. I've only been learning these things for 2 years, and I know that I hardly know a thing he has to show me, but these things go far beyond what I had ever previously thought of before. His ways are surely higher than my ways.
I am not going to go into this any further, but I do feel a peace to recommend one book in particular to you, and that is the book, "The Practice of the Presence of God", written by Brother Lawrence. You might be able to find a free ebook, but I am not sure about the details of that.
As I said, I got saved at either age 5 or 6, around Easter. But I remember being 7 years old and crying late at night in the basement where no one could hear me, because I missed the peace and joy that I felt that day I got saved. I hadn't felt it since.
And I always wondered,... "God, why don't you seem real to me? I know you're there, I felt you when I was saved! Why don't I feel that way now? Why would I feel like that when I got saved if you didn't mean for me to have that for my entire life as a Christian?"
This tiring cycle of pretending to be fine with the answers people gave me in church and crying on average once a month until I was 14 was just wearing down on me. I felt that I was going to become a part of the 80% of people that leave the church when they're older "statistics". I felt just as satisfied playing violent video games as I did listening to a Sunday sermon. The only difference was, the sermons would leave me questioning why God wasn't in the sermons,... video games, I didn't have to ask anything about.
Until finally, my heart gave out. I didn't realize this until later, but in my heart I pretty much said, "God, please show me you now! I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired, and if I don't find you soon, I'm not going to stay in the church when I'm older, even though I know you're the truth!"
And that week, my mom took me and my 2 sisters to a women's bible study that had been recommended to her by a friend. I was complaining, making excuses about how I had homework to do. (I was homeschooled). For some reason, I hated it whenever my mom or dad would try to make me go to a bible study or listen to a pastor on a cd or a video seminar. I've had a bunch of those, and I was getting sick and tired of those as well.
But when I heard the first message, I knew something was different. I didn't quite get what they were talking about, but I knew God was in what the speaker was saying. And it was only a group of maybe 10-15 people. I came the next week, excited to see what it was that this person had. They had a truth that I never heard before, and that second week, I finally got what they had said. God's word became alive! I finally began to feel his peace and joy, and I finally began to feel like God was really there.
You see, the reason why I hadn't felt those God emotions before (besides when I got saved) wasn't God's fault. It was mine. As he says in Romans 3:11 (KJV) , "There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God." And that verse,
Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
God had been knocking on the door of my heart the whole time since the moment I was saved, and maybe before then. (I do not know if this verse pertains to before salvation, but I know it pertains to after salvation.)
The problem was, I had accepted what the church had spoken to be the truth. Even though I was searching for a deeper truth, I never left room for the church to have any error in what it taught. I had been pretty much raised to the "fact" that anything taught in church or at a bible study was right. I never left room for error. There also lied this issue of self-righteousness, where I thought that I had answers to a bunch of life's problems. After all, those answers were things I had been taught in the church a million times over. They must be right... right?
But when I finally gave my final cry to God, I wanted the truth. I finally acknowledged that I didn't know anything, and that the church must be doing something wrong. When I admitted that in my heart, God began to show me great things. I've only been learning these things for 2 years, and I know that I hardly know a thing he has to show me, but these things go far beyond what I had ever previously thought of before. His ways are surely higher than my ways.
I am not going to go into this any further, but I do feel a peace to recommend one book in particular to you, and that is the book, "The Practice of the Presence of God", written by Brother Lawrence. You might be able to find a free ebook, but I am not sure about the details of that.