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I didnt grow up with a very religious family. When i was about 11 my parents broke up and my dad moved to another town that was about 3 hours from where me, my brother, sister and mum lived. I went to visit my dad on holidays but as the years went by we started having less to do with him. I'd been seeing counselors on and off for most of my life. Then when i was 13 i started cutting myself and having suicidal thoughts. At the end of the year i'd just had enough of everyone and everything going wrong in my life so i overdosed on some sort of pain killer. The next day i woke up dissapointed when i realised i was still alive and i had an appointment that day with my counsellor. I ended up telling her that i'd tried to take my life and she called the hospital and they put me in the hospital just to check if things were okay they decided to put me on anti depressants and i was kept in the hospital for about a week the nurses treated me horribly saying i was a "stupid girl" and told me that by doing what i did i could of destroyed my liver which is something that is painful and takes time to die from it. About the third day of being in hospital i got a phone call from my dad i thought he was going to be supportive and tell me everything would be okay but instead he told me "what am i gonna do with you, im suprised they havent put you in a straight jacket yet" i hung up on him and bawled my eyes out and then listened to my mum calling him telling him he was a dropkick and it was somehow his fault. My dad apologised to me and told me he was only joking but to me that excuse wasnt good enough so i told the hospital not to take anymore of his calls. After i'd gotten out of the hospital and went home about 4 days after being in my house i got into an arguement with my sister who told me "why dont you just go kill yourself again" this was usually her response after every arguement no matter what it was about it always ended with her telling me to do something harmful to myself. So i continued cutting but hid it from everyone, there was no way i was going to tell my counselor what was happening this time after being put in hospital for a week, i hated it. So about a year after being on anti depressants i felt they werent working anymore but no one was doing anything about it, I stopped seeing my counsellor because she left the job and i didnt want to have to talk to another person about my problems although my counselor did help me alot with how i felt it just wasnt enough. Around christmas time in 2008 my mum forced me to go see her side of the family. I never really liked them much but i went because i had to. We caught a plane there and the first night was actually pretty good, my uncle was extremely nice because he hadnt seen me in a long time and everyone seemed to be loving. The second day we were there we went to the shop, it was me my mum my sister and my grandma. We walked around the shopping centre for about an hour and then i freaked out and i had a panic attack which is something i'd never had before, i was terrified and crying and i didnt really know what was happening. I grabbed my mums arm and just kept saying "mum we need to go now mum mum please we have to go mum" this freaked her out and my grandmother. so they rushed me outside and we had to wait for my grandma to drive the car up to us, as i sat down on the chair outside i was shaking and terrified. They drove me home and i settled down a bit, i knew that day that the rest of my life was going to be different and horrible all i could think about was if this was gonna happen every time i left the house. The next day my mums sister came to see us and that was the only thing that made the holiday worthwhile she's the only one that was ever really nice to me. On the fourth day of the holiday i thought to myself maybe the panic attack was just a one time thing so i went for a walk with my uncle and i freaked out once again and just started shaking and crying and i was telling him we need to go back i cant do this so he walked me home and as i walked up the stairs in his house crying i said to my mum i need to see a counselor again because i cant go anywhere anymore she said that she would call a counselor as soon as we were home. The next 2 days i was dreading sitting on the plane for 3 hours not knowing if i was gonna have another panic attack. I didnt end up having one, but it was the only thing i was thinking about on the plane i did come close to having one though. Months passed after being home and i kept reminding my mum to call the counsellor and get an appointment but she didnt. i wouldnt leave the house at all, i'd go in the frontyard and the back yard and that was it. I didnt go see friends, i pushed them all away because i was embarassed because i had depression and panic attacks. So i was alone all i had was my family who werent even that nice to me one day i heard my mum on the phone to my uncle i overheard her talking about me and my situation when she hung up i asked her what my uncle said and she told me he's just being an idiot and i asked her again what did he say and she told me he said that you should just get over it already and snap out of it. I cried my eyes out becomes once again everyone misunderstood me, i didnt know how to "get over it" or how to "snap out" of something i didnt bring upon myself. i told my mum that if it was just that easy then i would get over it, but i couldnt. i would cry all the time just wishing that someone would care but it never occured to me that God cared until i was online one day it was around april, 2009 i'd seen a question on yahoo answers asked by someone, i dont remember what the question was but one of the answers was by a guy who had written soemthing from the bible, it caught my attention and i messaged him and i asked him if he could send me more things from the bible. He wrote out a couple of more things and then he asked me if i had a bible, if i was religious ect. i told him i didnt have a bible and he sent me out one. when i got the bible i was so excited to start reading it, i started reading the old testament first and i'd read things online or listen to music about God and the more i learnt the more i understood why bad things had happened to me. I got up to Joshua in the old testament and then i started reading the new testament instead, which opened my eyes even more to how amazing God was. But still the months passed and i'd hardly been outside and one day i woke up and mum told me i had a doctors appointment and that she had to go shopping after, i was abosuletly dreading the doctors appointment at first but then i was just like okay i have to do this, before we went i told mum lets just go in and see if i need to change the tablets im on (for depression) to a higher dosage or what ever and then lets just leave. so about half an hour before i left I prayed that i'd be okay and i wouldnt have a panic attack just this one time. So we went into the doctors got the prescription for the tablets and we left while we were walking to the car my mum asked me if i wanted her to drive me home or if i just wanted to walk to the chemist with her, to mine and her surprise i said i'll go with you so we did what we had to in the chemist and then when we went back to the car i was like oh my gosh mum i didnt even have a panic attack!!, i was so happy and excited and glad and all these good feelings were just going on. The whole time i was thinking about how i'd prayed and God helped me, and i told her that in the car and then i asked her if i could start going to church and she said she'd orangise it.. From about september untill now i go out much more and i havent had a panic attack, i also dont have depression which is another thing i'd been praying for. Maybe to some people it's just a coincidence how my depression and panic attacks went away but to me.. it's a miracle.
