Some other thoughts: didn't know these posts had a word limit, haha) :
I know I can't know exactly how you feel, but as single person, I too, deal with loneliness. And when you desire romance/marriage/sex as single person, well, you can't really find adequate substitutes for these things, nor can we count on a promise from God that these desires will ever be fulfilled. Though we can certainly work towards that goal, and hope that it will work out. It's hard, for sure. It's OK to recognize unwanted singleness as a genuine hardship. I wish more people did.
You also mentioned that you don't reveal to your family and friends about how lonely you are. Of course, I don't know what your friendships and family dynamics are like, but I would hope that these are people you can be honest and comfortable with. But, I understand it. I don't talk about it much, either. One of the reasons I don't is because I don't want to hear all the well-meaning Christianese platitudes about "God's timing" or all the condescending and patronizing messages along the lines of "Remember, single folks......your Number One Priority is JESUS!" Oh, really? Wow, I didn't know that! What's my number one priority as a married person? Oh, right. Jesus. Hahaha!
I think that if you're a Christian single who desires marriage, and you're, say, 25 or older, you should probably put some serious effort into dating. It's probably not going to "just happen." It's not a sign of "weak faith" to take action. Isn't it in acting that our faith is proven?
When you're a Christian single and you express the desire for marriage, well-meaning people will often give you some Christianese advice about "trusting God" or "trusting God's timing." However, God never promised marriage to any of us. How, exactly, can you "trust God" to fulfill a promise, when He never made you that promise in the first place?
From reading 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose either marriage or singleness (see verse 39, for instance). But, of course, we have to bring God into it.
Apparently, for the first few thousand years of human history, it was “God’s plan” for young people to be joined in arranged marriages in their late teens. Then God changed his mind to around 18 or so, with close involvement and vetting from each other’s parents. Then He changed it to be more inclusive of other races and social classes. Then, in the modern age, God decided to change it for many people to the late twenties and early thirties, with little involvement from parents, at least initially. What is going on?
Another strange point about the belief that God ordains people to be single or married: According to many Christians God will introduce you to “The One” at “the right time.” To make things even more confusing, we send a mixed message of how if you do everything right (like don’t have sex) as a single, God will reward you with a happy marriage with the “soulmate” He prepared just for you. So you don’t “earn” it, but you do “earn” it, but it’s all in His timing….or something.
And then we wonder why so many Christian singles are confused, hurt, bitter, unmarried, or struggle with marriage.
As Christians we often have the shaky idea that anything and everything happening in our lives is God’s will. Sure. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because God wants these things for my life? I get that we to honor God’s sovereignty and all that. It seems like the proper, “spiritual” thing to do. But we can’t understand this, at the end of the day. Unless good things happen, of course, like marrying on our timeline. Those things are obviously God’s will, right? Sure. It’s certainly easier to “thank God” for them.
Maybe God does bring partners into our lives. I don’t really know. But this idea that He delivers the perfect soulmate at exactly the right time seems counterproductive sometimes, as well as shaky. It sounds great, and it’s comforting, but that’s about all it does.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a fallen world that is not good. And you might not be single right now because God wants it that way. It could just be bad luck.
Also, one of the reasons that Christians think that marriage is something that "just happens" in "God's timing" is because they think that God has one special person out there as your "soulmate" that you're destined to marry. However, the Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It’s not even hinted at. That idea comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. Jesus said there is no marriage in Heaven, so how can there be such a thing as a "soulmate." And in 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul even says that you can marry whoever you want, as long as they're a Christian.
Often, I think, the whole idea that this stuff all happens in "God's timing" is a way to hide from things. It can be way to hide from disappointment with God. He hasn’t delivered me a spouse but, hey, it’s all good, He must have a different “plan." It also keeps us from dealing with our own stuff. Waiting on God often seems to mean, “I’m not doing anything wrong, it’s just that God hasn’t sent 'The One' yet.” Yeah, it couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me. Yikes! These sorts of conclusions often simply lead to inaction on our part.
I think we sometimes have bad motives for "trusting God" and being passive. For instance, we don't like dealing with rejection, or our own insecurities, our own sins, or our own shortcomings. Or we're scared to take action, initiate things, and risk things like rejection, so "waiting on God" just feels safer. And, of course, we often just over-spiritualize this stuff. If you're 25 or older, well, none of this stuff is all that helpful. I mean, we don't approach other life goals with this sort of passivity, do we? Like a job search, or weight loss? Like I said, it's not a sign of "weak faith" to take action. Isn't it in acting that our faith is proven? God’s will is mostly done by God’s people. So, yes, we need to do it with God. But we still need to do it. Hahaha!
Also, when it comes to the “gift” of singleness, Paul doesn't seem to be talking about a call to a "season" of singleness, as we like to put it. He's call to (or gift of) celibacy. He's saying that some are called to serve God as unmarried people. He's not saying you have the gift of singleness until you get married. He is saying if you do have it ── then don’t get married. I do think the "gift of singleness" is ability to live your entire life single with genuine contentment. I do not believe that this refers to the state of being single. Often, in the English-speaking world, we can read the word "gift" in 1 Corinthians 7 and assume that Paul meant to call singleness a "present." And that we have to "grateful" for this present because it gives us so much "free time" to do all The Good Christian Things. However, when Paul uses the word "gift" here, he uses the same Greek word he uses for spiritual gifts. He also says in verse 9 that this gift is "from God." I think we can forget sometimes that Paul didn't write his epistles in English, haha. Christian books about dating and singleness, even books that I like, use this terminology all the time, and I don't think it's that helpful.
If you're a Christian single, you've likely heard the line about how you have to be "content" with your singleness or "learn contentment" with it. The Bible doesn't actually say that, though. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul actually says that if you're not content with being single....then maybe you should try to get married. Paul does say that he, personally, is content with being single. But he also says that not everyone is like that.
Sometimes you're also told that you have to "achieve" contentment before God will bless you with a spouse. Of course, the Bible nowhere lays out this "formula." Besides, striving to be content in order to be "ready" or "good enough" to find a spouse is not good. First of all, it’s a little dishonest, isn't it? If I’m trying to become "content" so that I can get married, well, then I’m not really content, am I? And what about the young Christian couple that dates in high school, dates in college, and then gets married at 21, without ever entering into a "season of singleness"? Were they content in their singleness first? I’m gonna say no. We can definitely over-spiritualize this stuff.
Paul's writing on this issue is pretty nuanced. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says he has no "commandment from God" about this. Paul says that he wishes that everyone was single like him ── not that God wishes it. He says that he, personally, is content with being single ── but he admits that not everyone is like that. He says that it's good to stay single, but that it's better to marry if you have strong desires. Paul "supposes" that it's better to stay single because of "the present distress," some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you're not sinning by marrying. Paul says a widow would be happier if she stayed single, but he admits that this is just a personal opinion. Evidently, many people are not happier being single. In 1 Timothy 4:1-3 Paul also condemns people who forbid marriage. And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he also said that marriage is a good thing.
Maybe I've started rambling. Anyway, if you do desire marriage, I would work to make yourself into an attractive marriage prospect, and work to make that dream of marriage happen.
