I do. But I am very cautious on giving out email
. I don't have dm yet on cc. If you can dm, then you are welcome to dm me.
I think the discussion is related to this topic. If no objection, why not just chat here? All can chime in. That's the beauty of forum.
OK, sure.
Well, let me give a reply to the question here. At least as it relates to romance.
How much does God control our love lives or who we marry? I don't believe that he necessarily controls every detail.
Well, sometimes, as Christians, we can have the idea that God is a Puppetmaster who’s running every aspect of our love lives. I personally have my doubts about this. The Bible doesn’t say anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It even says that, if you’re single, you can marry whoever you want, as long as they’re a Christian (see
1 Corinthians 7:39)
The idea of a "soulmate" comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. But the Bible doesn't mention it. The Bible even says that there
is no marriage in Heaven.
If you want to get married, I would definitely be proactive about this if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I don’t think these things “just happen.” I mean, what if you’re a Christian and you’re pursuing goals like a job search, or weight loss? We don’t just sit back and “wait on God” in those scenarios, do we? But when it comes to romance we can often over-spiritualize it. And, for sure, we do have to prepare. Single you will be the married you, unless you decide to make changes.
From reading 1 Corinthians 7, it seems like we have the freedom to choose either marriage or singleness. But, of course, we have to bring God into it.
Apparently, for the first few thousand years of human history, it was “God’s plan” for young people to be joined in arranged marriages in their late teens. Then God changed his mind to around 18 or so, with close involvement and vetting from each other’s parents. Then He changed it to be more inclusive of other races and social classes. Then, in the modern age, God decided to change it for many people to the late twenties and early thirties, with little involvement from parents, at least initially. What is going on?
Another strange point about the belief that God ordains people to be single or married: According to many Christians God will introduce you to “The One” at “the right time.” To make things even more confusing, we send a mixed message of how if you do everything right (like don’t have sex) as a single, God will reward you with a happy marriage with the “soulmate” He prepared just for you. So you don’t “earn” it, but you do “earn” it, but it’s all in His timing….or something.
And then we wonder why so many Christian singles are confused, hurt, bitter, unmarried, or struggle with marriage. The Bible doesn’t teach us anything about “soulmates” or “The One.” It’s not even hinted at.
Besides, dating is a fairly recent phenomenon. People didn’t “date” in biblical times. Marriages were arranged by families in some way or other for a very long time in human history. I doubt people fretted as much about “soulmates” and “The One” and “trusting in God” and waiting on “God’s timing” back then. These days, in the modern dating world, we do. But are those biblical ideas?
I’ve often read that there’s generally more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly true, it means not every Christian woman will find someone to marry. Is that part of “God’s plan” as well?
Another interesting point has to do with the classic “free will vs. God’s sovereignty” problem. A lot of Christians assume that they’re married (or single) because God wants it that way, which, depending on what they want, can make them wither very happy and grateful, or very upset, angry, and confused.
However, as humans, we aren’t puppets. We can make decisions, and we live in bad, sinful world that affects our lives and sometimes limits our choices. Many Christians assume that, if they marry, it happened because it was “God’s will” and because God wanted to bless them. That answer is easy. If you want to marry and end up not marrying, obviously you’ll struggle with more, and harder, questions. But, apparently, you remain unmarried because God didn’t want you to marry. But that leaves out all sorts of factors.
It also absolves us of responsibility. People are single for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s just bad luck. Sometimes it’s for bad reasons, like lack of maturity, poor financial stewardship, things like that, bad social skills, inability to deal with the opposite sex, etc. Sometimes we just don’t have any candidates around us whoa re marriage material, even if they’re Christians.
These days, lots of people wait longer to get married. Is that a plan that God devised? God “used to” do that when you were 16-22 years old, but now He, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to test us further by letting us all wait an extra ten years or so. Right.
As Christians we often have the shaky idea that anything and everything happening in our lives is God’s will. Sure. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because God wants these things for my life? I get that we to honor God’s sovereignty and all that. It seems like the proper, “spiritual” thing to do. But we can’t understand this, at the end of the day. Unless good things happen, of course, like marrying on our timeline. Those things are obviously God’s will, right? Sure. It’s certainly easier to “thank God” for them.
Maybe God does bring partners into our lives. I don’t really know. But this idea that He delivers the perfect soulmate at exactly the right time seems counterproductive sometimes, as well as shaky. It sounds great, and it’s comforting, but that’s about all it does.
In Matthew 19, Jesus talks about people who are celibate, and he mentions a few different types. People who
choose to live that way, people who were made that way by God, and people who were made that way by “other men.” In other words, some people stay single, and it’s not because
they chose it
or because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a fallen world that is
not good. And you might not be single because God wants it that way. It could just be bad luck.
I think we sometimes have bad motives for leaving situations in “God’s hands.” For example, we’re scared to make the first move, we don’t like dealing with rejection, we don’t like dealing with our own insecurities or shortcomings, or we don’t like dealing with our fears. And, of course, as Christians we often just over-spiritualize everything. That’s how we get to places where we think things like “It’ll happen when God wills it.” Of course, none of this stuff is helpful if you’re still single at, say, 25 or older. I mean, if we’re on a job search, we don’t approach it that way, now, do we? Or goals like, say, weight loss.
Sometimes we have to act. But sometimes we believe that acting is a sign of weak faith. But isn’t it
in acting that our faith is proven?
I mean, God’s will is mostly done by God’s people. So, yes, we need to do it with God. But we still need to
do it. Hahaha.
And some people might not be single because of “God’s will.” It could just be worldly misfortunes, like Jesus alludes to in Matthew 19. Yes, God originally said it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and made a spouse for him. But
then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since.
Even as Christians, we’re not spared worldly troubles. I’m sure one of these worldly troubles are some of our dashed hopes for marriage, whether it’s for a period of time or for your entire life.
Marriage happened in the Garden of Eden. While Adam had a perfect, sinless relationship with God. God looked at Adam and said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. Isn’t that interesting? You mean even when he was totally with God, Adam still needed someone else? Whoops.
In the Garden of Eden, when the world was perfect, God gave Adam a wife. But then what happened? Mankind rebelled, sin entered the world, and everything has been screwed up ever since. I think this is important to note. In Paradise, when things were perfect, there was marriage. In the post-Fall world, there’s people who desire marriage, but it doesn’t work out for them. It’s one of the many genuine disappointments that we all have to deal with in a fallen, sinful world. It’s OK to recognize it as such.
I do believe that there's some people who lack the gift of celibacy who still won't be able to marry. I mean, I've often read that there's more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that's broadly true, it means that not everyone will be able to find someone to marry, even if they have strong desires.
That's my long answer, haha.
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