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blessings.i don`t know what is it that u r going through but beleive that we all been through hard times when only patiance in god is the key to overcome or defeat those toughts,it seems like u are acting the way Job did one day that he wanted to put himself as he did not deserve what was happening to him,he was trying to be more wise then god thinking if it was up to me i would never have put myself into this situation.but if it was like that all easy for us who would not beleive in God i know that what u going though is not easy and u feel or think that your pain or frustration will never end but keep this with u,nothing will last forever,and i know this that the tribulation of this time would not be compare to the glory we have in Jesus.there is only one way to get over it and that is faith in God.everything we know is because someone is teaching us,and im talking about humans,God teached u what is good and the devil the other way around.or if u want it to put it this way Gods wisdom or human wisdom,and u are paying attention to human thoughts so u better focus in what is the porpuse of all this matter.don`t act like Job when he was being tormented by Satan because it is not that God rejoice in your pain he rejoice in u when he hears u confesing that u love him no matter what u are going through that u are with him for your own good but because u love him thats the reason u are with him.remember that Jobs wife told u still keeping your integrity with your God,Satan talking y don`t u curse him and die that was all Satan wanted him to do.keep your faith that for a good reason God said have u seen my servant asamanthinketh.
T
I have not posted something I felt called to answer in a while, and after reading most of the posts I have seen from you....I feel called to say and share some stuff from my own life.
Sometimes the Lord, yes I am saying the LORD and not Satan, puts us into situations that are perplexing, difficult and even fatiguing....it feels like we can learn nothing but as one of your posts was titled 'suffering'...[a little off subject, this sunday's sermon at clear waters church in charlottesville was on 'considering suffering a great joy' that when fulfilled leaves us COMPLETE-not lacking anything. Consider means before you even see anything else as an outcome from it--you have made up your mind that it will be 'a great joy.' This relates to what I have read in a lot of your posts and I just remembered it now, so sorry for the slight rabbit trail]
I too have been in these dramatic situations where it feels like there is no place to run to...no place even to find the calmness of spirit and apart from noise to simple PRAY...but you have to find this amist the chaos of your life, even now, where you are, for whatever reason...but you DO NOT have to let anything happen to you...I have used a few 'tricks' (not real tricks but handy wisdom to get through a lot of troubling situations)...the first is, if I was you, you have got to look the beast ( aka the guy) dead in the face and tell him that Christ guards you and in the name of Christ demand him to stop...the Bible says that in Christ you have AUTHORITY and if you do not use it--what good is it? I would even be harsh, remembering the words Jesus even gave Peter who seems to have been a thousand times 'better' than the wretch you have to deal with. Tell him something like "Son of the Cursed you shall not touch me, I am a Daughter of the Living God and may your own desires consume you." This is to a curse but a reality (the desire be it for God or for whatever is what will consume a person and if he desires evil it will rot his heart and mind), if it cause him to repent, then obviously it would no longer aply if he converts to Christianity, but you have to make known to him that you see what he is trying to do in a dark corner and that you are willing to destroy whatever darkness he casts at you with the Light of Christ...perhaps also add something about "how you see the corruption that is in his heart and you bind it in the name of Jesus Christ, that you also refuse to accept his darkness, and that you will stand in the light, even to death"...if you believe that Christ has power, this will change many things...the other, when situations seem to be spinning outside your control and it feels your very soul is getting lost/taken in the whirlwind, then say this simple phrase "Jesus is here." I once had a Bible I held dear to me that had a writing by some catholic 'saint' that said that "Hasten, O God, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to my rescue" (Psalm 70:1) was a prayer that should be said everywhere and at all times by everyone. This phrase may also serve to allow your heart to seek refuge in him who is the only refuge, Jesus Christ and HIS WORD. I would learn these three phrases, they helped me a lot...a fourth suggestion, would be to actually DO what the Bible says in faith...call upon the Lord when in trouble, with even your audible voice, "Lord be near to me" or "Lord Jesus Christ" or "Jesus the Lord is holy" have all been incredibly helpful to me when in traumatic situations, where I have felt the 'flood almost engulfing me' as the psalm says. I think you might find consolation in the psalms as someone else has suggested that is psalm 69, and psalm 88 come to mind. Let those psalms speak to your heart and soul and become a living prayer to you. Please read them...the Psalmest experiences a lot of the emotion I feel in your posts...
Last, I really do not believe you are mentally ill...I have discussions with ym brother all the time about what is the 'sane' view when you are dealt an 'insane' situation. I know that nobody but you has been in the chaos that you have shown and to the extant that you have. Your situation is unique. Know and have NO DOUBT that God loves you, Jesus loves you, and I love you, as well as any Christian that breathes does...and not in a superficial way, but in a way that we would and try to lay down our lives for you in whatever way we can...but as I have already shared how I have struggled and conquered in Christ, I have little more I 'advise' I can give you....perhaps learn to give all your heart to prayer, so that you 'yearn to meet with your God--the true and only God- as a deer pants for running streams.' God is faithful he will rescue you and prosper you.
One last thing. You are beautiful, and I am sure whatever awesome guy the Lord has for you to marry will be enthralled to have someone that God loves as much as He loves you...and He won't see you as damaged, but broken and holy--like all true Christians are.
God bless,
and may the Lord look after you now and always,
may he enlighten your mind,
lighten your heart, --also soften your heart
and brighten your eyes,
so that you always see, love, and adore him.
may he calm your heart,
still your mind,
and quite your body
so that you may worship Him in the splendor of his holiness,
with your body always before Him as a living sacrifice.
May He give you courage to stand up for the faith that He has given you.
tony---on a day when I was lost for most of the day...
Sometimes the Lord, yes I am saying the LORD and not Satan, puts us into situations that are perplexing, difficult and even fatiguing....it feels like we can learn nothing but as one of your posts was titled 'suffering'...[a little off subject, this sunday's sermon at clear waters church in charlottesville was on 'considering suffering a great joy' that when fulfilled leaves us COMPLETE-not lacking anything. Consider means before you even see anything else as an outcome from it--you have made up your mind that it will be 'a great joy.' This relates to what I have read in a lot of your posts and I just remembered it now, so sorry for the slight rabbit trail]
I too have been in these dramatic situations where it feels like there is no place to run to...no place even to find the calmness of spirit and apart from noise to simple PRAY...but you have to find this amist the chaos of your life, even now, where you are, for whatever reason...but you DO NOT have to let anything happen to you...I have used a few 'tricks' (not real tricks but handy wisdom to get through a lot of troubling situations)...the first is, if I was you, you have got to look the beast ( aka the guy) dead in the face and tell him that Christ guards you and in the name of Christ demand him to stop...the Bible says that in Christ you have AUTHORITY and if you do not use it--what good is it? I would even be harsh, remembering the words Jesus even gave Peter who seems to have been a thousand times 'better' than the wretch you have to deal with. Tell him something like "Son of the Cursed you shall not touch me, I am a Daughter of the Living God and may your own desires consume you." This is to a curse but a reality (the desire be it for God or for whatever is what will consume a person and if he desires evil it will rot his heart and mind), if it cause him to repent, then obviously it would no longer aply if he converts to Christianity, but you have to make known to him that you see what he is trying to do in a dark corner and that you are willing to destroy whatever darkness he casts at you with the Light of Christ...perhaps also add something about "how you see the corruption that is in his heart and you bind it in the name of Jesus Christ, that you also refuse to accept his darkness, and that you will stand in the light, even to death"...if you believe that Christ has power, this will change many things...the other, when situations seem to be spinning outside your control and it feels your very soul is getting lost/taken in the whirlwind, then say this simple phrase "Jesus is here." I once had a Bible I held dear to me that had a writing by some catholic 'saint' that said that "Hasten, O God, to save me; O Lord, come quickly to my rescue" (Psalm 70:1) was a prayer that should be said everywhere and at all times by everyone. This phrase may also serve to allow your heart to seek refuge in him who is the only refuge, Jesus Christ and HIS WORD. I would learn these three phrases, they helped me a lot...a fourth suggestion, would be to actually DO what the Bible says in faith...call upon the Lord when in trouble, with even your audible voice, "Lord be near to me" or "Lord Jesus Christ" or "Jesus the Lord is holy" have all been incredibly helpful to me when in traumatic situations, where I have felt the 'flood almost engulfing me' as the psalm says. I think you might find consolation in the psalms as someone else has suggested that is psalm 69, and psalm 88 come to mind. Let those psalms speak to your heart and soul and become a living prayer to you. Please read them...the Psalmest experiences a lot of the emotion I feel in your posts...
Last, I really do not believe you are mentally ill...I have discussions with ym brother all the time about what is the 'sane' view when you are dealt an 'insane' situation. I know that nobody but you has been in the chaos that you have shown and to the extant that you have. Your situation is unique. Know and have NO DOUBT that God loves you, Jesus loves you, and I love you, as well as any Christian that breathes does...and not in a superficial way, but in a way that we would and try to lay down our lives for you in whatever way we can...but as I have already shared how I have struggled and conquered in Christ, I have little more I 'advise' I can give you....perhaps learn to give all your heart to prayer, so that you 'yearn to meet with your God--the true and only God- as a deer pants for running streams.' God is faithful he will rescue you and prosper you.
One last thing. You are beautiful, and I am sure whatever awesome guy the Lord has for you to marry will be enthralled to have someone that God loves as much as He loves you...and He won't see you as damaged, but broken and holy--like all true Christians are.
God bless,
and may the Lord look after you now and always,
may he enlighten your mind,
lighten your heart, --also soften your heart
and brighten your eyes,
so that you always see, love, and adore him.
may he calm your heart,
still your mind,
and quite your body
so that you may worship Him in the splendor of his holiness,
with your body always before Him as a living sacrifice.
May He give you courage to stand up for the faith that He has given you.
tony---on a day when I was lost for most of the day...
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T
I know where you are, I have walked down that lonely and seemingly endless path. There are times where the night seems the darkest, but that is just before the dawn. Don't give up, those who have abandoned you are not your true friends. God created you, he knew you before you were born, he loves you for you are his own. The reason bad things happen to good people is because we live in a fallen world, without bad we can never truly know good, without sorrow we can not know happiness. This will make you stronger, it is a test. I suggest you read the book of Job, for that is a book of the Bible that I read when I get depressed and it seems like the entire world is crushing down on my head, my heart and my soul. And remember, in times like these it is the best time to think about the blessings you have received in the past and remember that God is truly great. There is a bible verse I think will help, "And it came to pass." it did not come to stay. Remember that and never hesitate to talk to God. He will listen and answer your prayer. I applaud you for this post, you did a very brave thing. I pray for you and know that even though I do not know you, I love you brother/sister in Christ