I don't understand him

[iraasuup]

So, I'm a bit confused.

Back in January my world came crashing down when my husband decided he didnt want to be married anymore. Long story short (I'll spare you the details, cos that's not the point of this thread) is that we've been separated since. I'm now living on the opposite side of the country, trying to move on with my life, but I dont understand his current behaviour.

When this first happened, we kept everything amicable, and obviously over time lost contact. Aside from the occasional text asking 'Do you have my passport' or 'Can you send me this bank document' or whatever, we really don't speak. We dont hate each other, but honestly we have nothing left to speak about...however recently he has begun texting me.

He sends me pics of things he sees (that would only mean something to us and would make no sense to anyone else) and often it will be 'I was just in Kmart and I saw such and such on sale for $xyz (referring to something we may often have looked at, or an item we often purchased). Just today he texted me asking me the answer to a crossword puzzle for his Mother (I was the one who did them with her, so she always got the answers from me), and after I replied, he carried on asking me how things are with me.

I am trying not to be rude, so I politely answer, as briefly as I can and leave it at that. The one time I had to call him and ask him about an important document I needed for my tax.. we ended up having a 20 minute conversation, because he started telling me all about the latest news with family/friends etc. I didn't want to be rude (and I do genuinely care about the wellbeing of his parents particularly as they are elderly and unwell) so I politely let the conversation continue, but in all honesty it's just kinda weird.

I am trying to understand what is going on in his mind? Everytime he contacts me (especially since its usually about something that is relevant only to us- like the picture he sent me) a small piece of me dies again. I had moved past the worst of the pain, and then the memories come flooding back.

So, I guess Im asking what I should do? Do I ask him to completely cut off contact? Do I ask him why he's doing this to me (is there even a reason, or is he just oblivious, and living in a fantasy world where he thinks he can still casually chat to me like a best friend- or is he having regrets and reminiscing what he threw away?)

I'm so confused. Any suggestions/ideas?

 

[zeroturbulence]

I think he's just starting to really miss you and miss being married to you Katie.

 

[iraasuup]

I think he's just starting to really miss you and miss being married to you Katie.

Well he made his choice. What am I supposed to do.. go crawling back to him? He's messing with my head.

 

[zeroturbulence]

Well he made his choice. What am I supposed to do.. go crawling back to him? He's messing with my head.

I would tell him how these contacts with him bother you and open up old wounds. Maybe he will open up and tell you why he's been doing it, but at least he will know that its affecting you.

 

[Jullianna]

If it were me, I would have to be blunt and tell him ^ that^ at this point, and ask him to stop, unless any part of you thinks there is a chance you could be together as true man and wife again. Frankly, it sounds as if he wants to have his cake and eat it too from what you've shared with us so far.

This much be gut wrenching for you, Katie. Hugs.

 

[Ugly]

I don't agree he's 'messing with your head'. I also think he's just realized what he's lost. Maybe some part of him is hoping this is a way to reconnect and reconcile, maybe not. Or more likely he's just trying to keep some familiar connection to you. Its understandable thing to do. I've done it. While i understand the difficulty this causes you, try not to such an offended attitude about it. Though i know he's the one that ended things, at the end of the day he's just another confused person confounded by their emotions.
But yes, i also think the best way to handle this is direct communication. 'Hey Joe-bob, you keep sending me these texts/pic/etc that are a bit too personal. There are painful reminders of our past and would appreciate if you kept our communications to a minimum. In the future, if you keep sending these things i will just have to stop responding to them. I will only respond to requests for documents etc that you need.'

Honestly i think people put way to much emphasis on 'politeness' in some settings. Its amazing how much people will put themselves through so they won't have to be 'rude'. Even though often times there is no rudeness involved to begin with. Speaking up to someone that is making you uncomfortable, no matter the subject, is not rude or impolite. If the person receiving it feels you've been rude, oh well, you have every right to speak up for yourself. And while we should always try to handle such subjects gently an make an effort to not be rude in how we present our point, if it ends up being rude then so be it. Long as you made the effort to present your case nicely then you're good. Rude isn't the worst thing in the world.

 

[wyler]

Distance always emphasizes the positives of a situation.
It's precisely why people 'make up and break up' over and over again, when they are apart all they focus on is what was good, only to rediscover the bad when they reconcile, and so the reconciliation is always temporary.

It sounds like this is what's happening, and he may well be oblivious to the pain it causes if you're now across the country.

Getting nostalgic images on your phone isn't going to help you lay the ghost so to speak, and clearly it bothers you, and when that's the case it's best to confront it, so be kind in your words, but let him know what you feel is appropriate and what is not.