J
All my life I dreamed of one thing: to be pregnant and have children. The desire only got stronger as I got older. It got stronger when began my relationship with my current husband. In the course of two years, I became pregnant unintentionally twice (once while religiously on the pill) and once using another bc method. I lost both babies. There is a lot of history about why I got involved with my husband in the first place, but suffice it to say there were issues going on that I was unaware of, or didn't want to be aware of in both him and me. Six months ago I began counseling to address issues regarding years of physical and sexual abuse at the hands of both of my parents and family friends. I grew up a relative orphan, and was practically self-sufficient by 10 years old. I was completely self-sufficient by 17 living on my own 500 miles from everyone and everything I knew. When I started dating my husband he was gentle, encouraging, loving, and strong. He loved the Lord with all of his heart and was in seminary to be a pastor. I was putting myself through college, and he was working part time. His mother ended up passing away from breast cancer after we'd been dating about 2 or 3 years. After 4 1/2 years he proposed and i accepted. In the times that we've been married his mental state has gotten worse and worse. He was always VERY lazy, but he became paralyzed by depression. In two years he filled out only a few applications. He had one interview and he refused to go. He stopped showering. He wouldn't lift a finger for anything. I tried to be the faithful and loving spouse to point him toward the Lord, but nothing worked. After I began counseling I began dealing with my own boundary issues regarding being overly responsible, mothering him, and not valuing myself enough to expect more. When I began to set boundaries with him, he rebelled. After a week or so, he emailed the pastors at our church and said he was leaving because he felt like they had basically attacked him. At the beginning of our marriage, they had asked him to step down so that he could concentrate on getting a job and supporting his new wife. While they saw it as a simple two week-two month process, he did absolutely nothing except wallow in self-pity and blame the pastors for picking on him. He began counseling and threatened that he wouldn't return each time. Finally, when our counselor asked him to pray, he got up and left a session. He never returned after that. In two months he threatened divorce a half dozen times. He would go into rages about me confiding in my pastors. He was jealous and became violent. He violence was mostly verbal, though he also began throwing and breaking things. Often times, he didn't look where he was throwing and I ended up in the pathway of the flying object. A month ago on Monday he was done. He declared that there was no hope, he didn't want a separation, and he was divorcing me. Then he admitted himself into the psych ward as a final slap in the face to me: the one who tried to get him in so many times. He was in for a month and refused to talk to me. He called once and really had no desire to talk. He was released on Tuesday. Yesterday was my birthday, and he called me in a rage to cuss me out again. After he got in a fight with his dad, his sister was worried that he would come to threaten me... Today he's trying to get me to drop everything so that he can get some last very menial things. He tells me he's going away for a long time.
I feel like I'm living in fear all the time. He's got so much rage and he's a big guy. There is very little stopping him from hurting me. I feel like i'm gonna wake up one night with him pounding on my door and screaming. He's one break away from a very violent attack. In addition, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants nothing to do with me. He has no remorse. He admits no wrong. He speaks no sign of redemption. He just wants to run away. If he does file, then it will be the only thing he's ever done on his own initiative. If he doesn't, he's leaving it to me to take the guilt of it. I also know that some of this is his depression. I don't know how long to wait. I want a solution and I just don't know where God is leading me. I'm 27 years old and I want a family. I don't want to have to wait around for a husband who will never turn and waste my chance at having a family.
At this point I'm waiting...
I feel like I'm living in fear all the time. He's got so much rage and he's a big guy. There is very little stopping him from hurting me. I feel like i'm gonna wake up one night with him pounding on my door and screaming. He's one break away from a very violent attack. In addition, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants nothing to do with me. He has no remorse. He admits no wrong. He speaks no sign of redemption. He just wants to run away. If he does file, then it will be the only thing he's ever done on his own initiative. If he doesn't, he's leaving it to me to take the guilt of it. I also know that some of this is his depression. I don't know how long to wait. I want a solution and I just don't know where God is leading me. I'm 27 years old and I want a family. I don't want to have to wait around for a husband who will never turn and waste my chance at having a family.
At this point I'm waiting...
