A
I had started writing this journal thing.. and now that i read back on it, i kind of want someone else to read it too haha
Im going to cut out the too personal parts though
It's long, so turn back now if you dont like reading!!
Im going to start recording my thoughts on paper
Today is July 1 2012- late at night
This is quite a battle. Sometimes it feels like the other side is winning, almost constanly that’s the way it feels. I keep giving into temptation, but no longer. I am so sick and tired of all of this mess. I am tired of going to bed at night wishing I was never conceived. I am so done with crying and being selfish and going back to the same old things time and time again. I shouldn’t have to be at my worst to hear you Lord. I need to shut my mouth more often and keep my ears open. I was given two ears and only one mouth for a reason. I need to listen more than I talk, I need to listen to you more. Directly after YFN I was constantly tempted.. over and over and over again to do bad things. It wouldn’t just be once or twice a day, more like once or twice per hour. Why? Why am I receiving all of these trials? Why am I always being tested? I suppose I shouldn’t being asking you questions, I trust you.. I trust you, and I know that you’ll protect me, even from myself. The reason I’m going to start writing out my thoughts, well as you know I havent been handling those temptaions very welll.. I’ve already given in a few too many times.
I’ve given up ‘secular’ and unGodly music. I’ve deleted my facebook, my twitter, and my tumblr. I deleted the numbers of people I know I wont prosper with. I’ve stopped talking to most of the people who bring me down.
I realized that the people who don’t accept You come up with excuses, non-reasonable and unlogical excuses! “Why didn’t God help me when..” “Then why is this happpening..” “Science said this..” It get’s me so upset sometimes my head gets fuzzy and when I speak nothing makes sense, but whenever I ask you to help me with my words and take over my mouth, someone understands. Oh, now im going to start crying :’).. okay okay, the presence of you fills my heart with joy and I just cant control myself!
Im beginning to understand why you sent me all the way across the country. After the plane ride I met my brother I hadnt seen since I was 4 ..i just cant explain certain things, but when I was younger he was the only person ho really cared about me, not because I was pretty or cute or always welcoming.. when I was younger I was a bubbly kid and loved people.. some people loved me too, but a wrong twisted and selfish love. But he really actually loved me, we had our stomachs pumped together when I was 4, im not sure if he still remembers. Before I leave to go back to Texas I’ll see him again. His father kidnapped him when he was younger, now he monitors his calling, texting, and everything my brother does.. but bcause my mom isnt so great in the head he has custody I think. I never knew a piece of my heart was hollow and empty, but when I saw him it was filled and spilled over!
I also saw my uncle I used to live with, he’s already gone to see his wife before he goes back to Korea. He’s in the army so I don’t see him to often. His wife doesn’t want to talk to our family, she’s had small talk with my grandmother before though. Either it’s because of her customs or she’s using my uncle. She’s not from America, needs money for school, and the military benefits help her a lot.. I might be thinking too far into this but something just isnt right in their marriage.
I don’t want to date until I older by the way.. I know just a few weeks ago I was on a completely different page, but I really don’t want to.. plus what guy that it would be appropriate for me to talk to has given his life to God and could teach me and guide me and keep me on the correct path –with that understand that in a christian relationship there isn’t even kissing? An old amigo of mine texted me yesterday and told me once again about how he likes me.. I explained to him how I don’t want to date and even if I did it wouldn’t be “normal”.. I think I freaked him out with my “jesus talk” and I doubt he’ll ever even give me the time of day now! Ahaha. Maybe I shouldn’t be too happy about that, but oh well.
People think too highly of me sometimes, even strangers are beginning to tell me theres something ‘”special” about me.. it’s getting to my head because im starting to believe it. When I came back I texted a few of my “friends”.. and one of them specifically told me how she’s looked up to me, even when I hadnt given everything to you. When I didn’t believe in you, I still did believe in you.. it was like part of me ached to see you. I was always wanting and needing you, always hungry for your word. Everyone is though, even if they don’t know it or prove it in their words and actions. I realized.. that when I would bring my bible to school and read it at the lunch table encouraging others not to be so shy with reading God’s word and people would joke around with me.. they’d say I was “too christian” when truthfully I barely was, I had my toe in the water.. if you understand. Now I have my foot up to my ankle in..
I had this dream a few nights ago, I was trying to get some notebooks for school at the beginning of the school year. I didn’t get any supplies so I left school knowing it was better to be late with the things I need, than to be there with nothing at all. So I was grabbing just the thngs that I needed, saving my money in case something were to come up.. when (well, creatures from other planets always come to my dreams when big changes in real life occur) these creatures started taking over other humans and making them act as if they were still normal.. when really they werent, and they would go after normal humans and change them too, like a really bad domino affect. But people came up from behind me (almost made me pee my pants while I was sleeping!!) and warned me, they said either I could help or hide. No way on earth was I going to stand behind while somehting was going on, and miss out on the action!! So they suited me up.. people were positioned in certain places to fight back. There was only one pond/lake in the area for the group I was in.. so I was praying I wouldn’t get it! But whooptie doo, they assigned me to water when I couldn’t swim. I jumped in.. knowing if I were to go slowly I would chicken out. I managed to stay afloat and sometimes get air.. the action wouldn’t wait though, the creatures came, several of them at once right away. Sometimes people from land would help me out, and the only way to get rid of these creatures were to completely destroy them.. not just a bash of a head or bullet wound kind of thing, but actually use your hands and get rid of them (yea I know a bit harsh).. my dream was interrupted but I get the jist of it!
I have to go to bed soon it’s about 12:40 am now.. so technically July 2,. But im so blessed, I always have been, I am now, and I will always be blessed. I will forever bless your name.
For over a week now ive been sick, so sorry about not singing to you like I usually do.. but ive been spitting out blood and stuff so my voice wont cooperate! Grr. It’s either the funny air here in South Carolina, or how all the beds in this house are under super cold air vents, or how my grandmother thinks meat can stay in the fridge for two days, or maybe something wrong with me? I had a few nose bleeds too.. but I havent thrown up yet so that’s good. My grandma’s been keeping me busy so I cant rest.. my mom’s barely talking to me.. for a few days she didn’t even send a text. She hasn’t called since Monday, but shes handling the death of her first love (highschool sweetheart) and having to watch my brother destroy things for himself because of his father’s death. If I were there I would’ve left already, so good thing im here instead! Those negative thoughts are coming to mind.. haha “ANTS” Im still workin on that one.. I think about that day Pastor Ricky talked about the “sydrome” (Automatic Negative Thinking Syndrome)
I feel like I have to behave.. not only for You.. but so the opinions that PC, Ms. Shay, Pastor Ricky and some of the other girls from church don’t lesson.. even though they might think im better than I really am, it’s just nice having people who believe in you, and people you can grow & learn from. Thank You for putting these wonderful people in my life. Maybe im getting too attached too soon, but it’s hard not too. It’s a bad habit.. I always start caring about people right away.. even the worst of people, well you know God. It’s my weaknest besides little kids & babies. The “worst” of people.. I suck at helping, and im gullible and foolish, Im always letting myself get hurt. “ants”.. okay.. well it’s late and my gma’s gonna make me get up early in the morn. During camp I never got a full nights rest… my last 8 hours of sleep was a few days ago, but I had a nap today so that helps. Maybe that’s why Im sick, because ive barely been sleeping while being so busy. I’ll have more rest when I come back to Texas anyway. Hopefully by then my mom will be okay and my brother will be getting help.. I wish I was there, I could do something. They wont answer phone calls and my mom’s depression is getting to the worst of her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she tries to committ suicide again. My grandma’s too old for kids now, I doubt I’ll have much of a future if I move in with my Dad.. my god mother wouldn’t even recognize me.. I didn’t grow up around my family either.. the best option would be foster care or adoption hopefully back in texas.. wow this is pathetic im being selfish when something bad could happen to my own mother.
Well, it’s late at night and around this time my head fills with bad thoughts, I oughtta catchs some Zs.
Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite! Jesus, please wake me when the sun is bright.
Im going to cut out the too personal parts though
It's long, so turn back now if you dont like reading!!
Im going to start recording my thoughts on paper
Today is July 1 2012- late at night
This is quite a battle. Sometimes it feels like the other side is winning, almost constanly that’s the way it feels. I keep giving into temptation, but no longer. I am so sick and tired of all of this mess. I am tired of going to bed at night wishing I was never conceived. I am so done with crying and being selfish and going back to the same old things time and time again. I shouldn’t have to be at my worst to hear you Lord. I need to shut my mouth more often and keep my ears open. I was given two ears and only one mouth for a reason. I need to listen more than I talk, I need to listen to you more. Directly after YFN I was constantly tempted.. over and over and over again to do bad things. It wouldn’t just be once or twice a day, more like once or twice per hour. Why? Why am I receiving all of these trials? Why am I always being tested? I suppose I shouldn’t being asking you questions, I trust you.. I trust you, and I know that you’ll protect me, even from myself. The reason I’m going to start writing out my thoughts, well as you know I havent been handling those temptaions very welll.. I’ve already given in a few too many times.
I’ve given up ‘secular’ and unGodly music. I’ve deleted my facebook, my twitter, and my tumblr. I deleted the numbers of people I know I wont prosper with. I’ve stopped talking to most of the people who bring me down.
I realized that the people who don’t accept You come up with excuses, non-reasonable and unlogical excuses! “Why didn’t God help me when..” “Then why is this happpening..” “Science said this..” It get’s me so upset sometimes my head gets fuzzy and when I speak nothing makes sense, but whenever I ask you to help me with my words and take over my mouth, someone understands. Oh, now im going to start crying :’).. okay okay, the presence of you fills my heart with joy and I just cant control myself!
Im beginning to understand why you sent me all the way across the country. After the plane ride I met my brother I hadnt seen since I was 4 ..i just cant explain certain things, but when I was younger he was the only person ho really cared about me, not because I was pretty or cute or always welcoming.. when I was younger I was a bubbly kid and loved people.. some people loved me too, but a wrong twisted and selfish love. But he really actually loved me, we had our stomachs pumped together when I was 4, im not sure if he still remembers. Before I leave to go back to Texas I’ll see him again. His father kidnapped him when he was younger, now he monitors his calling, texting, and everything my brother does.. but bcause my mom isnt so great in the head he has custody I think. I never knew a piece of my heart was hollow and empty, but when I saw him it was filled and spilled over!
I also saw my uncle I used to live with, he’s already gone to see his wife before he goes back to Korea. He’s in the army so I don’t see him to often. His wife doesn’t want to talk to our family, she’s had small talk with my grandmother before though. Either it’s because of her customs or she’s using my uncle. She’s not from America, needs money for school, and the military benefits help her a lot.. I might be thinking too far into this but something just isnt right in their marriage.
I don’t want to date until I older by the way.. I know just a few weeks ago I was on a completely different page, but I really don’t want to.. plus what guy that it would be appropriate for me to talk to has given his life to God and could teach me and guide me and keep me on the correct path –with that understand that in a christian relationship there isn’t even kissing? An old amigo of mine texted me yesterday and told me once again about how he likes me.. I explained to him how I don’t want to date and even if I did it wouldn’t be “normal”.. I think I freaked him out with my “jesus talk” and I doubt he’ll ever even give me the time of day now! Ahaha. Maybe I shouldn’t be too happy about that, but oh well.
People think too highly of me sometimes, even strangers are beginning to tell me theres something ‘”special” about me.. it’s getting to my head because im starting to believe it. When I came back I texted a few of my “friends”.. and one of them specifically told me how she’s looked up to me, even when I hadnt given everything to you. When I didn’t believe in you, I still did believe in you.. it was like part of me ached to see you. I was always wanting and needing you, always hungry for your word. Everyone is though, even if they don’t know it or prove it in their words and actions. I realized.. that when I would bring my bible to school and read it at the lunch table encouraging others not to be so shy with reading God’s word and people would joke around with me.. they’d say I was “too christian” when truthfully I barely was, I had my toe in the water.. if you understand. Now I have my foot up to my ankle in..
I had this dream a few nights ago, I was trying to get some notebooks for school at the beginning of the school year. I didn’t get any supplies so I left school knowing it was better to be late with the things I need, than to be there with nothing at all. So I was grabbing just the thngs that I needed, saving my money in case something were to come up.. when (well, creatures from other planets always come to my dreams when big changes in real life occur) these creatures started taking over other humans and making them act as if they were still normal.. when really they werent, and they would go after normal humans and change them too, like a really bad domino affect. But people came up from behind me (almost made me pee my pants while I was sleeping!!) and warned me, they said either I could help or hide. No way on earth was I going to stand behind while somehting was going on, and miss out on the action!! So they suited me up.. people were positioned in certain places to fight back. There was only one pond/lake in the area for the group I was in.. so I was praying I wouldn’t get it! But whooptie doo, they assigned me to water when I couldn’t swim. I jumped in.. knowing if I were to go slowly I would chicken out. I managed to stay afloat and sometimes get air.. the action wouldn’t wait though, the creatures came, several of them at once right away. Sometimes people from land would help me out, and the only way to get rid of these creatures were to completely destroy them.. not just a bash of a head or bullet wound kind of thing, but actually use your hands and get rid of them (yea I know a bit harsh).. my dream was interrupted but I get the jist of it!
I have to go to bed soon it’s about 12:40 am now.. so technically July 2,. But im so blessed, I always have been, I am now, and I will always be blessed. I will forever bless your name.
For over a week now ive been sick, so sorry about not singing to you like I usually do.. but ive been spitting out blood and stuff so my voice wont cooperate! Grr. It’s either the funny air here in South Carolina, or how all the beds in this house are under super cold air vents, or how my grandmother thinks meat can stay in the fridge for two days, or maybe something wrong with me? I had a few nose bleeds too.. but I havent thrown up yet so that’s good. My grandma’s been keeping me busy so I cant rest.. my mom’s barely talking to me.. for a few days she didn’t even send a text. She hasn’t called since Monday, but shes handling the death of her first love (highschool sweetheart) and having to watch my brother destroy things for himself because of his father’s death. If I were there I would’ve left already, so good thing im here instead! Those negative thoughts are coming to mind.. haha “ANTS” Im still workin on that one.. I think about that day Pastor Ricky talked about the “sydrome” (Automatic Negative Thinking Syndrome)
I feel like I have to behave.. not only for You.. but so the opinions that PC, Ms. Shay, Pastor Ricky and some of the other girls from church don’t lesson.. even though they might think im better than I really am, it’s just nice having people who believe in you, and people you can grow & learn from. Thank You for putting these wonderful people in my life. Maybe im getting too attached too soon, but it’s hard not too. It’s a bad habit.. I always start caring about people right away.. even the worst of people, well you know God. It’s my weaknest besides little kids & babies. The “worst” of people.. I suck at helping, and im gullible and foolish, Im always letting myself get hurt. “ants”.. okay.. well it’s late and my gma’s gonna make me get up early in the morn. During camp I never got a full nights rest… my last 8 hours of sleep was a few days ago, but I had a nap today so that helps. Maybe that’s why Im sick, because ive barely been sleeping while being so busy. I’ll have more rest when I come back to Texas anyway. Hopefully by then my mom will be okay and my brother will be getting help.. I wish I was there, I could do something. They wont answer phone calls and my mom’s depression is getting to the worst of her. I don’t know what I’ll do if she tries to committ suicide again. My grandma’s too old for kids now, I doubt I’ll have much of a future if I move in with my Dad.. my god mother wouldn’t even recognize me.. I didn’t grow up around my family either.. the best option would be foster care or adoption hopefully back in texas.. wow this is pathetic im being selfish when something bad could happen to my own mother.
Well, it’s late at night and around this time my head fills with bad thoughts, I oughtta catchs some Zs.
Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bed bugs bite! Jesus, please wake me when the sun is bright.