I have just spent some time praying for you. I don't know what all is going on, but I don't need to because God knows and He loves you more than we can possibly imagine.
I have felt the words that you've spoken and my heart breaks to think that at this moment you are somewhere out there experiencing such despair.
The other day I was reading in Psalms and this verse captured me "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand" Psalm 40:2
I will continue to pray for you!
Juanita