In-Laws Issues: Need Advice

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sweetsunshine

Guest
#1
#1
Hello all,

I'm new here and I am seeking advice because I am worn out by my in laws.

My husband has one other sibling; his brother, who is married with two kids. His wife is extremely difficult to get along with. She is manipulative, narcissistic, needy and likes to play the victim. She tried to sabotage everything about our wedding and engagement, and made sure to be conveniently out of town any time there is a big event in our lives, but when something she deems as big happens, even my parent-in-laws will call to guilt us into coming (even if we had prior plans). My father in law (FIL) and mother in law (MIL) have enabled this behavior for a very long time, and I believe they do it for the sake of having a relationship with their grandkids.

This has been going on for well over four years and I'm wearing thin. They emotionally drain me. FIL and MIL play favorites; they've always been more invested in brother in law (BIL) and sister in law's (SIL) life, no matter how much we try to include them in ours. I have tried on my end to do what I can to rectify my relationship with all of them, but she continually makes it worse. She doesn't like having to share the "spotlight" so to speak, with me (I'm no attention seeker either).

Well this all came to a head last week, when my SIL ADMITTED to animal neglect. It's a long story but basically they left the state for a new job and instead of trying to adopt out their cat, or bringing it to a shelter, they left the cat outside with food and water and hoped for the best.

My FIL did, for once, stand up to her and tell her this was wrong. He gently advised her to take responsibility and that we should not treat animals for this. I gently agreed. SIL played the victim and immediately accused us of hating her. This in turn made FIL grovel at her feet for forgiveness, and publicly rebuke me for taking a stand against mistreating animals.

I was hurt to say the least. I did not retaliate but I talked to my husband about how I would like to at least block SIL from my facebook so I don't have to see her posts. He explained that this would only cause more drama and she would blow it out of proportion. I see where he is coming from, but quite honestly I want nothing more than a break from his family. I'm tired of being second best to BIL and SIL and I am so tired of seeing MIL and FIL enable their bad decisions and behavior.

I know Christ cherishes family, and I know I can't completely take them out of my life. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this? Or if anyone has sound advice? I'm wearing out and so crushed by the whole thing. :(
 
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shekaniah

Guest
#2
#2
You seem like a smart and strong woman...
it sounds like your SIL is weak.
I think that your in laws can see the strength and weaknesses in both of you.
When I have been in the middle of drama like this... I just keep praying and giving it
to God.
I would not let my FIL or MIL make me change my plan for them or any body else.
Unless it was an important event.
You need to have good boundries.
Pray and as God for wisdom...
He will help give you insight where to draw the line.

You and your family will be in my prayers.
God Bless, Shekaniah

James 1:5
5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

Romans 14:1
Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgment on disputable matters.
 
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Muirnin

Guest
#3
#3
Hi There,

It's very tough when you have difficult in-law relationships and they can be very difficult to mend. I didn't do a good job of really learning from my mentors how best to interact with my in-laws either and therefore set a rotten pattern of getting in the middle of things from the beginning. My husband didn't take a stand and expected me to be an adult and take care of my own problems when it came to his family. We both eventually learned that if it's my husband's family, it is best for him to be the one involved because he knows the history of how various interventions will go with that individual and the ripple effect on the rest of the family. So I keep my good friends and the relationships around me that build me up in Christ and I continue to attend family get togethers and do the nice things that I know each of them enjoys and try and build each person up with my words and actions. I used to feel like it was my responsibility to tell someone about their neglect or their poor actions, but I now know that unless I've sat down and prayed about the situation and heard God tell me it's my responsibility to tell this person about their fault, then I leave it alone. If God doesn't tell me to interfere, I take my role to be that of needing to love the person and not their actions or beliefs. The relationships are still not repaired and for the times that I did interfere and not wait for God's direction or until I had a good relationship with the person where we were close enough for them to hear my words as loving, I am having to work overtime to repair things and build trust with those people again. Loving words come from a relatonship well built on trust and the ability to open up with honesty with another person.....the Bible tells us to speak the truth in love, and if we don't have that sort of relationship, then if God doesn't lead us into bringing up another's faults, we are damagng the relationship. It's not up to us to change people and iron sharpens iron in love and with God's direction.
So this takes a biblical pespective to get beyond the family stuff and it's a tough pill to swallow. The second commandment is to love your neighbour as yourself. Where the relationships are broken, bringing up another's faults is not loving. So how can you be loving? When you are at the next family meeting, how can you show Christ's love to each and every person there? This is not about fixing things, nor figuring out how to change them, it is about loving them for who they are right here and now and loving them despite all of their issues. Each of them has things that they are involved in or do that are interesting and fun parts of their lives. It's time to appreciate those things and ask them about them and really show an interest in their interests. And when the other 'stuff' comes up, go play with the kids.......bring some fun craft or game for them to do or go play hide and seek with them while the discusson about the 'stuff' occurs so little ears don't need to hear it nor do you, which will make your life easier in the short run. As you build the trust with each of them by getting involved in the things they really enjoy doing, you may also get to the point where you can shed some of God's guidance into their lives, but it doesn't sound like you have built the relationship to a point where that can happen yet.
Just step back and enjoy and love everyone of them for who they are and where they are......faults and all. That takes a lot of thought and planning and work in the beginning, but eventually, you will all develop new patterns of interacting that will be pleasant and more enjoyable.
But most of all....pray and pray and pray for patience and love and understanding cuz those are the things that will help you see that this is not for you to fix and that it's time to love them as yourself.
God Bless you!
 
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surrender2God

Guest
#4
#4
Pray for them and if her posts are a problem on Facebook you can ignore or unsubcribe from her posts, or you can completely deactivate your account like I did two months ago.
 
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loveme1

Senior Member
#5
Oct 30, 2011
8,083
190
63
#5
Pray for the strength to remain loving and kind.

Some people need more comfort and attention.

You are right blocking your sil will bring attention and you will be blamed for causing tension.

The best way to avoid is do not "read" if it makes you uncomfortable.

(You feel like doing something to let them know how you feel.)

You could try and talk to your Husbands parents explaining how you feel, if after this it continues then you did try..

Forgive them all, do not consider yourself less than another.


May Yahvah God and Yahshua the Messiah Bless you always.
 
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CC_Bride

Guest
#6
#6
If its helpful, you can stay "friends" with these people on fb but you can unsubscribe to any posts they make. Go onto your facebook homepage/newsfeed look for them and on the right top hand side of the post there should be a hidden icon that when you put the mouse arrow over it it appears. Click on it and near the bottom of the list click on 'unsubscrbe'. The other person will never know, and you never have to publically see whatever they write again unless you actively go on their page.
Ive used this method with family members as well who Id love to 'unfriend' but can't..
 
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