Is Supporting My Husband the Best Thing for me right now?

[MamaWerk]

I thought this year was supposed to be a less stressful year than last....but, I guessed wrong, COMPLETELY wrong. At one point in our lives, we must all come face to face with our own personal demons. And when one has an addictive personality, those demons are terrifyingly hard to face, at times....ALMOST impossible to face. As a newly recovering alcoholic and addict, I am now facing the realm of addiction from the other side.....as my husband entered detox for his 8-10 year opiate addiction, which spiraled into a 5 month intravenous use of anything he could get his hands on. He is now addicted to "the needle".

A little back story....like I said before, I am a NEWLY recovering alcoholic/addict. I have never been to detox or rehab. I have been clean off hard drugs for 7 years; prescription pain/anxiety medication, for almost 2 years; and alcohol for since January 1, 2013. Hubby and I have been together for 10 years(we have been married twice to each other). We have been separated for over 2 years, and I filed for divorce and custody of our son back in October(due to his relapse and ongoing drug use/spiraling addiction). We lost our son back in May of 2011, due to our drug use/abuse. We regained custody in November/December of that same year.

Ever since hubby entered Detox and the treatment facility, he now wants his family back. He doesn't want me to go through with the divorce. I still love him, but I don't trust him. And, I can't afford to jeopardize my own sobriety....Our son has been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with Mixed Disturbances of Emotions and Conduct, and since November 24, 2012, I have been taking him to weekly counseling. I know God says no to divorce, unless it involves infidelity....I just don't know....is it a good idea for me, as a newly recovering alcoholic/addict, to maintain contact with my husband while he is at the treatment facility? He and his family have said that I am the reason he is in treatment...that he wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for me. I don't want to abandon him now when he needs me the most, but I feel alot of anger and resentment at times, when I do see him/talk to him.

 

[my_saceredheart]

Your husband can only face his own demons alone he needs to come face to face with them to relise his own action and how its affecting the people around him. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and if that means walking out on him till he wakes up and smells the coffee then so be it because he will only drag you down to his level because of the stress levels your under you could easily turn to the drink and that's no good you need to get out of if before he drags you down to. He needs a good sharp shock to make him see what's he's lost and what he could of had. Hope this helps

 

[MidniteWelder]

I don't want to abandon him now when he needs me the most, but I feel alot of anger and resentment at times, when I do see him/talk to him.

I read your whole post and have compassion for your situation.
my_saceredheart is right in that his behavior and actions arent to be rewarded.
Although you may take this as a learning experience to now understand the way you are feeling with certain aspects of anger is likely how God feels toward us at times when we choose our own will over his, especially when it seperates us as well as others from him.
But for some reason.....God still shows he loves us
.... even when don't deserve it.
How else would he be able to change our hearts.

 

[violakat]

Mamawreck, if your feeling conflicted about divorce, ask yourself why? Is it because God has told you not to divorce, or is your husband and his family trying to manipulate you. I personally think a lot of it is the latter, however, I will not say that God is also not telling you not divorce. He might be.

My suggestion, if you have not already done this, get with other Christians whom you trust and know about what's going on and pray over the situation and seek the Word of God with you. If you have not gotten into therapy, seek a Christian Counselor. Sometimes, being able to talk with an unbiased person helps us to see things clearly. Then, consider the ramifications of what could happen should you stay or if you leave.

If your divorce is not for sometime, then wait until you hear from God before deciding upon ending it or not. If it's to be finalized in the next few weeks, then you may want to see if they can put an extension on it, or you may decide to go through with it.

I'm not one who counsels for divorce, as I know that God can change the heart of any man or woman. But at the same time, there are times when you may just have to walk away. Ask yourself, is this one of those times?

 

[Ugly]

Well, i don't know about the divorce, but as far as 'taking your husband back', i would be slow on that. Many people want their families back after having bad behavior, and many women take them back. But the problem is they don't take their time and wait to see if there is any real change. Before you decide anything don't be in a hurry. At the very least he needs months to prove themselves, if not longer. Letting him come back without any consequence doesn't lend to him feeling he really needs to change, and doesn't show you if he's sincere.

 

[Lucy68]

Good for you!! That is really good news that you have ended harmful addictions!!

You're very wise to wonder what effect your husband will have on your child. But if he's really trying to get clean then it would be hard to abandon him in his efforts. Would it be possible to visit him and talk with him without your child being around? Maybe you could tell him that he will need to be drug/alcohol free for a year (or some trial period), have a job, and especially work on a relationship with our real Savior (attending church regularly to hear the Word preached is extremely helpful)...and see how this goes before committing to living in the same household again.

Your son's health is important too. Dr. Dobson (Focus on the Family) calls this tough love ...it's love with boundaries. Yes, we are to love unconditionally, but that doesn't mean to accept unconditionally. There are conditions in the marriage covenant that we are all expected to follow. Love the sinner, hate the sin type of thing.

Praying for you...continued strength and growth in the Lord and for wisdom and guidance on how to help your husband without harming yourself or your son.

 

[MamaWerk]

@my_sacredheart....What you said helped so much! I don't know why it is so confusing to me, considering I am in recovery too...and have had to build my life back up on my own, without anyone else's help.....

 

[MamaWerk]

@MidniteWelder....I think that is one of the many lessons God is wanting me to take from this whole situation....I mean, I KNOW first hand what it is like to be an alcoholic/addict and then one in recovery.....and now I know what it is like to have a loved one who is an addict in recovery. The second is definitely scarier. God never left me, no matter how far down the dark road I went. He was always there with open arms, anytime and everytime I came running back to him. But, he never spared me the consequences of my actions, but he was always there to listen, comfort me, give me strength, guide me, and most importantly, he NEVER stopped loving me.....

 

[MamaWerk]

An update on my situation....first of all, thank you everyone on here for your prayers and encouragement! I truly believe God led me to this site for a reason....He is always there, even in our darkest time of need! I have found a Christian counselor, one that the church my son and I attended this past Sunday referred. I talked to hubby on the phone today, and the conversation led to me being honest with him about life after rehab. I told him that if he had any hope of continuing his sobriety and recovery, and any hope at all of saving our marriage, then myself nor his father can enable him or "pave his way" anymore. He has to be the one to fix what he destroyed, which means finding his own place to live in the real world(sober living/halfway houses or transitional living are options he reluctantly mentioned....as he put it, "if he has nowhere else to go"), he has to be the one to want his recovery and be the one to do whatever he needs to in order to survive this. I told him that I truly believe that one day we will (our family) make a difference in this world spiritually, and that many lives will be touched, but not in our timing but in God's. I just keep feeling as if God keeps telling me, "Not right now...wait" It was tremendously hard to open up to hubby like that, but it felt empowering at the same time. And I felt a sense of peace too. Hubby also said that he was hoping to be able to contribute to my life and our son's life, as a member of the family again, and also financially. Then he quickly added something about if i didn't feel that was the right thing for me and our son, then it is what it is. I kinda expected a comment like that to be made, but it still kinda stung.