B
So, every now and again when I have too much time to sit down and think I end up nearly getting in this depression I can't get out of.
This is where nothing is enough, except for God, only amplified and where I resist God the most.
I end up completely idol-minded, grasping at anything that will give me any sort of satisfaction but in the end not really doing anything for me.
I then feel absolutely guilty of the sins I commit and hate myself feeling that God will never forgive me because I knew I was going to sin in the first place.
Times like this, or before this scenario happening, I know I should pick up my bible and begin reading verses.
I know that if I get drunk, it will only get worse.
I know that if I eat food I will still be hungry.
I know that if I talk to people I will still feel alone.
The funny thing about that is that I feel alone when I feel normal too, which is usually a balancing game of emotions and being fearful, and trying not to offend. Which is absolutely ridiculous because I never used to really care.
In this equation I realize that if I don't begin with God in the day, I am going to experience this formula again and again. When will I get to the point where enough is enough?
And most importantly how difficult is it to see that God wants me all the time?
I know that I don't know what heaven will be like, but from the way that my walk has been going this far, it seems as if heaven will be about the continual worship of God.. In all that is done. Sometimes I feel that earth is the place that we are 'supposed to get used to it.' And I know that isn't right, but the funny thing is, is that in the times I resist God the most, I find myself the emptiest. When will the point come where I will see God as my treasure and not someone that fills me up with Love? And when will I come to the point where I will not be full of fear at the thought if another human being loving me, when will I be full of appreciation and God's grace that I will be able to look past my own pair of 'me-focals.' I know that I used to be me focused, but lately I feel that it has gotten to the point where I care less about what other people need and that the problems going on in this world almost seem funny.
Incredibly hurtful, I know. But I guess I've gotten to the point in my life, where I am deeply annoyed with myself, I am deeply annoyed with sin, I am deeply annoyed with idolatries and other people. And I know that it is not good, and I have a feeling it is linked to having the right motivation to serve God. I will pray tonight that I will experience these 'right' motivations. How depraved is my mind.
This is where nothing is enough, except for God, only amplified and where I resist God the most.
I end up completely idol-minded, grasping at anything that will give me any sort of satisfaction but in the end not really doing anything for me.
I then feel absolutely guilty of the sins I commit and hate myself feeling that God will never forgive me because I knew I was going to sin in the first place.
Times like this, or before this scenario happening, I know I should pick up my bible and begin reading verses.
I know that if I get drunk, it will only get worse.
I know that if I eat food I will still be hungry.
I know that if I talk to people I will still feel alone.
The funny thing about that is that I feel alone when I feel normal too, which is usually a balancing game of emotions and being fearful, and trying not to offend. Which is absolutely ridiculous because I never used to really care.
In this equation I realize that if I don't begin with God in the day, I am going to experience this formula again and again. When will I get to the point where enough is enough?
And most importantly how difficult is it to see that God wants me all the time?
I know that I don't know what heaven will be like, but from the way that my walk has been going this far, it seems as if heaven will be about the continual worship of God.. In all that is done. Sometimes I feel that earth is the place that we are 'supposed to get used to it.' And I know that isn't right, but the funny thing is, is that in the times I resist God the most, I find myself the emptiest. When will the point come where I will see God as my treasure and not someone that fills me up with Love? And when will I come to the point where I will not be full of fear at the thought if another human being loving me, when will I be full of appreciation and God's grace that I will be able to look past my own pair of 'me-focals.' I know that I used to be me focused, but lately I feel that it has gotten to the point where I care less about what other people need and that the problems going on in this world almost seem funny.
Incredibly hurtful, I know. But I guess I've gotten to the point in my life, where I am deeply annoyed with myself, I am deeply annoyed with sin, I am deeply annoyed with idolatries and other people. And I know that it is not good, and I have a feeling it is linked to having the right motivation to serve God. I will pray tonight that I will experience these 'right' motivations. How depraved is my mind.
