J
Jordache
Guest
I serve a might God, and I know it. God has brought me threw and is slowly pulling from the slime brought about by my history. He has taught me so much int his past year, and I praise Him for it. It's been a very difficult year. Here's the breakdown for those who've not been following.
FEBRUARY--a trusted member of my husbands family made a (physical) pass at me which brought up many past issues of abuse for me. My church began paying for me to see a counselor. I was also thrust into community. After being in my church for almost 10 years, actually staying at my pastors home after I was raped, and serving on the worship team in a very intimate environment from that same timeframe, I realized that it was strange that my pastors knew absolutely nothing about me and what I'd been through.
MARCH--By the end of the month I began dealing with issues involving my husband, so he began joining me for counseling also. Within a few sessions, my counselor realized that he had some serious issues and got 10 sessions donated for him free of charge.
APRIL--I was still going to counseling, learning to set boundaries with my husband and my parents. My husband was rejecting the counselor's help. Every week he was convinced he was never coming back.
JUNE--He got worse and worse emotionally. He fell into a deeper depression. He was even more non-functional than he'd ever been. He would sit and stare at the wall all day long. He refused to progress. A leader a our church began bonding closer and closer and closer to him over their mutual dislike for our pastor. This leader told my husband that he was allowed to go on a trip that the senior pastor specifically said he could not go on. My husband was vvery hurt, but was unwilling to see anyone other than the pastor as the bad guy.
JULY--I planned a 3 weeks missions trip to Africa. Three days before I left, he told me he was divorcing me and refused to talk to me. I left for Africa trusting God to deal with him while I was gone.
AUGUST--When I returned he was doing well for about a week, but eventually refused to do anthing the counselor was holding him accountable to. He had no follow-through. During a session where we were going over a communication model he refused to pray and walked out of the room never to return.
SEPTEMBER---On September 11, sort of out of the blue, he calmly told me again for about the 6th or 7th time, that he was done. He wanted me to drop everything and do everything how he wanted it to be done. When I refused to leave work for him, he got angrier. Through a few different phone calls he got angrier and angrier. He broke his phone (for the 3rd time) and had his sister check him into the hospital. Meanwhile, I stayed with a pastor's family at my church to stay away from my husband who was becoming increasingly more violent. He refused to talk to me for 2 weeks. When he finally called he was angry and billigerant. Thus I didn't talk to him again.
OCTOBER--- He was released a month later, the day before my birthday. The next day he called and cussed me out on my birthday. I told him if he was just going to call and yelll at me that I didn't want to talk to him. During that day I got a frantic call from his sister. He had gotten in a fight with his dad who had blocked him from the computer which is part of the reason why he was angry with me in the first place. They were worried that he would come to my apt and threaten me. So I had friends walk me to my door and check out my apt for me. The next day he was again demanding that I drop everything for him because he wanted to go into my apt when I was at work. It ended up being that he had several suicide notes hidden in my closet that he didn't want anyone to see. My note was on my phone. He checked himself again into the hospital and had his family sworn to secrecy as to his whereabouts.
NOVEMBER---He finally called me after a month, and was apologetic. I went to see him and the visit was good. He had a good week that week. The next week I told him he couldn't come home, and he completely shut down. He was determined to convince me that supporting him meant I told him exactly what to do everyday. He had a bad week that week. He stopped taking care of himself, and was suicidal again. He was hanging up on me and I tried to show him grace. I saw him for THanksgiving and he was again apologetic and happy because he knew that his behavior didn't warrant me coming to see him.
DECEMBER---However, he kept hanging up on me the following week. After being hung up on in 80% of my phone calls I decided it was time to set a boundary because it was pointless to talk to someone. I felt like I was being used just to make him feel better. I didn't want to be used anymore, so I stopped calling him and I didn't go visit him one Saturday. He called me yesterday to get his dad's phone number and asked why I hadn't called him in 5 days. I told him because I was tired of being hung up on. He had no answer, and the phone then disconnected.
He called me again today and told me that he'd been trying to kill himself because I wasn't talking to him. He then told me that he wasn't going to get any better if I stopped talking to him. He kept asking me questions and wouldn't allow me to respond. In the end he told me he was "100% done", and he hung up again. This is because I didn't talk to him for a few days.
I'm really trying not to take any of this on myself, but it hurts for him to throw all these things out at me. I am not a mean person. I hardly have a mean bone in my body. I am gentle and supportive he's decided that I am the absolute opposite.
FEBRUARY--a trusted member of my husbands family made a (physical) pass at me which brought up many past issues of abuse for me. My church began paying for me to see a counselor. I was also thrust into community. After being in my church for almost 10 years, actually staying at my pastors home after I was raped, and serving on the worship team in a very intimate environment from that same timeframe, I realized that it was strange that my pastors knew absolutely nothing about me and what I'd been through.
MARCH--By the end of the month I began dealing with issues involving my husband, so he began joining me for counseling also. Within a few sessions, my counselor realized that he had some serious issues and got 10 sessions donated for him free of charge.
APRIL--I was still going to counseling, learning to set boundaries with my husband and my parents. My husband was rejecting the counselor's help. Every week he was convinced he was never coming back.
JUNE--He got worse and worse emotionally. He fell into a deeper depression. He was even more non-functional than he'd ever been. He would sit and stare at the wall all day long. He refused to progress. A leader a our church began bonding closer and closer and closer to him over their mutual dislike for our pastor. This leader told my husband that he was allowed to go on a trip that the senior pastor specifically said he could not go on. My husband was vvery hurt, but was unwilling to see anyone other than the pastor as the bad guy.
JULY--I planned a 3 weeks missions trip to Africa. Three days before I left, he told me he was divorcing me and refused to talk to me. I left for Africa trusting God to deal with him while I was gone.
AUGUST--When I returned he was doing well for about a week, but eventually refused to do anthing the counselor was holding him accountable to. He had no follow-through. During a session where we were going over a communication model he refused to pray and walked out of the room never to return.
SEPTEMBER---On September 11, sort of out of the blue, he calmly told me again for about the 6th or 7th time, that he was done. He wanted me to drop everything and do everything how he wanted it to be done. When I refused to leave work for him, he got angrier. Through a few different phone calls he got angrier and angrier. He broke his phone (for the 3rd time) and had his sister check him into the hospital. Meanwhile, I stayed with a pastor's family at my church to stay away from my husband who was becoming increasingly more violent. He refused to talk to me for 2 weeks. When he finally called he was angry and billigerant. Thus I didn't talk to him again.
OCTOBER--- He was released a month later, the day before my birthday. The next day he called and cussed me out on my birthday. I told him if he was just going to call and yelll at me that I didn't want to talk to him. During that day I got a frantic call from his sister. He had gotten in a fight with his dad who had blocked him from the computer which is part of the reason why he was angry with me in the first place. They were worried that he would come to my apt and threaten me. So I had friends walk me to my door and check out my apt for me. The next day he was again demanding that I drop everything for him because he wanted to go into my apt when I was at work. It ended up being that he had several suicide notes hidden in my closet that he didn't want anyone to see. My note was on my phone. He checked himself again into the hospital and had his family sworn to secrecy as to his whereabouts.
NOVEMBER---He finally called me after a month, and was apologetic. I went to see him and the visit was good. He had a good week that week. The next week I told him he couldn't come home, and he completely shut down. He was determined to convince me that supporting him meant I told him exactly what to do everyday. He had a bad week that week. He stopped taking care of himself, and was suicidal again. He was hanging up on me and I tried to show him grace. I saw him for THanksgiving and he was again apologetic and happy because he knew that his behavior didn't warrant me coming to see him.
DECEMBER---However, he kept hanging up on me the following week. After being hung up on in 80% of my phone calls I decided it was time to set a boundary because it was pointless to talk to someone. I felt like I was being used just to make him feel better. I didn't want to be used anymore, so I stopped calling him and I didn't go visit him one Saturday. He called me yesterday to get his dad's phone number and asked why I hadn't called him in 5 days. I told him because I was tired of being hung up on. He had no answer, and the phone then disconnected.
He called me again today and told me that he'd been trying to kill himself because I wasn't talking to him. He then told me that he wasn't going to get any better if I stopped talking to him. He kept asking me questions and wouldn't allow me to respond. In the end he told me he was "100% done", and he hung up again. This is because I didn't talk to him for a few days.
I'm really trying not to take any of this on myself, but it hurts for him to throw all these things out at me. I am not a mean person. I hardly have a mean bone in my body. I am gentle and supportive he's decided that I am the absolute opposite.