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J
1. If you as a man are going to cook for a woman, expect peeking, funny looks and strange stares at the fact that you may understand more than just how to work a microwave. Just be sure you don't use the special potholders/kitchen towels that we purchased to take to pitch in dinners at church or your mother's house. 
2. Tiffany's, or any Jewelry store is a place that is sacred to women There is a reason that our favorite color is turquoise (a/k/a Tiffany blue).
3.no matter how ridiculous it may seem for her to wear painful looking shoes, tennis shoes are never a viable alternative, suggesting such, is asking for trouble. Tennis shoes are not multi-purpose and do not make your legs look longer. Heels not only make your legs look longer, they make better hammers (if needed) and can be used for self-defense purposes.
4. Never compare her to her mother, this is relationship sabotage. All females are unique and must never be compared to ANY other female. God breaks the mold after creating each of us.
5. Always remember dates, first kiss, first date, first time at the beach, birthday, anniversary etc. Forgetting is the fastest way to the dog house. Remembering what she was wearing on such occasions earns bonus points, so write it down and keep it with your Last Will & Testament.
6. Never leave her alone with you baby pictures and your mother, there are some things best kept in secret. Those are precious Is you don't want to hear the ooooing and aaaawwing...go away.
7. Do not question the vast assortment of inks, powders, pastes, lotions, sticks, mini-brushes and whatever else that litters every possible surface of the bathroom. These items are to women what a katana is to a Ninja. Leave them alone.
8. Ask about everything you use before you buy it. That banana and those Nike's might have just killed 10 children in South America. Did you remember to take the special shopping bags she keeps in her car for these things (because there's a 50:50 chance you'll get the answer wrong when the bagger asks whether you want paper or plastic)??
9. Insist on driving for both of your safety, to you its a car but to her its an extension of her bedroom/bathroom/office/dining room or other place that multitasking is acceptable. To some of us, multi-tasking in the car is not important. Practicing our Danica Patrick skills IS important.
10. She is going to throw out your 4-in-one bottle of Shampoo, Conditioner, Bodywash and Shaving cream. This is inevitable, so pick things out that come it different bottles. And all of said products are to be kept in YOUR shower.
11. Never wash her bras or other unmentionables. No matter how many years you have been doing laundry, nothing will prepare you for this. And all of the ladies said... Amen. Unmentionables should NEVER be put in the dryer; nor should they be used as slingshots, I don't care how much fun the waterballoon fight was.
12. No matter how economic it might sound in the long run, never buy artificial flowers. Artificial flowers are just one more thing we have to dust...
13. Contrary to what you learned in Dietary science, Chocolate is in fact one of the four food groups. An emergency stash of chocolate should be kept in all first aid kits.
14. Save the tag and receipt for any clothing that you buy her, because its never going to be exactly the right size. As long as it is too small, you are fine and your attempt will be appreciated. This is considered a compliment. If it's five sizes too big......
15. Don't bother trying to figure out why packing ALL of her clothes for a weekend trip is ok. Just pack less for yourself so that you can fit more of whatever is in those bags she is bringing. One bag is needed for shoes alone. Get over it.
16. Always let her use the bathroom first. There is nothing that can possibly go right if she uses the bathroom after you. Please see NukePooch's post regarding the location of the men's room.
17. Don't forget to compliment her whenever she appears in a new piece of purchased clothing, failure to validate this successful shopping effort may lead to the doghouse. Tell us that we look beautiful in all we put on and everything will be fine. Do not add the word "today" to the sentence because we will wonder why you didn't like what we wore yesterday. You didn't say it, but we know you didn't.
18. No matter what she cooks, even if it kills you, eat it with a smile. This is wisdom.
19. Give considerable thought to whatever answer is to be given concerning the dimensions of her body, or when she asks what you think of another womans body. This may save you life. The proper answer re: her body - "You look beautiful". The proper answer re: another woman - "What other woman??"
20. Always be honest about what are thinking, she may eventually quit asking.
2. Tiffany's, or any Jewelry store is a place that is sacred to women There is a reason that our favorite color is turquoise (a/k/a Tiffany blue).
3.no matter how ridiculous it may seem for her to wear painful looking shoes, tennis shoes are never a viable alternative, suggesting such, is asking for trouble. Tennis shoes are not multi-purpose and do not make your legs look longer. Heels not only make your legs look longer, they make better hammers (if needed) and can be used for self-defense purposes.
4. Never compare her to her mother, this is relationship sabotage. All females are unique and must never be compared to ANY other female. God breaks the mold after creating each of us.
5. Always remember dates, first kiss, first date, first time at the beach, birthday, anniversary etc. Forgetting is the fastest way to the dog house. Remembering what she was wearing on such occasions earns bonus points, so write it down and keep it with your Last Will & Testament.
6. Never leave her alone with you baby pictures and your mother, there are some things best kept in secret. Those are precious
Is you don't want to hear the ooooing and aaaawwing...go away.7. Do not question the vast assortment of inks, powders, pastes, lotions, sticks, mini-brushes and whatever else that litters every possible surface of the bathroom. These items are to women what a katana is to a Ninja. Leave them alone.
8. Ask about everything you use before you buy it. That banana and those Nike's might have just killed 10 children in South America. Did you remember to take the special shopping bags she keeps in her car for these things (because there's a 50:50 chance you'll get the answer wrong when the bagger asks whether you want paper or plastic)??
9. Insist on driving for both of your safety, to you its a car but to her its an extension of her bedroom/bathroom/office/dining room or other place that multitasking is acceptable. To some of us, multi-tasking in the car is not important. Practicing our Danica Patrick skills IS important.
10. She is going to throw out your 4-in-one bottle of Shampoo, Conditioner, Bodywash and Shaving cream. This is inevitable, so pick things out that come it different bottles. And all of said products are to be kept in YOUR shower.
11. Never wash her bras or other unmentionables. No matter how many years you have been doing laundry, nothing will prepare you for this. And all of the ladies said... Amen. Unmentionables should NEVER be put in the dryer; nor should they be used as slingshots, I don't care how much fun the waterballoon fight was.
12. No matter how economic it might sound in the long run, never buy artificial flowers. Artificial flowers are just one more thing we have to dust...
13. Contrary to what you learned in Dietary science, Chocolate is in fact one of the four food groups. An emergency stash of chocolate should be kept in all first aid kits.
14. Save the tag and receipt for any clothing that you buy her, because its never going to be exactly the right size. As long as it is too small, you are fine and your attempt will be appreciated. This is considered a compliment. If it's five sizes too big......
15. Don't bother trying to figure out why packing ALL of her clothes for a weekend trip is ok. Just pack less for yourself so that you can fit more of whatever is in those bags she is bringing. One bag is needed for shoes alone. Get over it.
16. Always let her use the bathroom first. There is nothing that can possibly go right if she uses the bathroom after you. Please see NukePooch's post regarding the location of the men's room.
17. Don't forget to compliment her whenever she appears in a new piece of purchased clothing, failure to validate this successful shopping effort may lead to the doghouse. Tell us that we look beautiful in all we put on and everything will be fine. Do not add the word "today" to the sentence because we will wonder why you didn't like what we wore yesterday. You didn't say it, but we know you didn't.
18. No matter what she cooks, even if it kills you, eat it with a smile. This is wisdom.
19. Give considerable thought to whatever answer is to be given concerning the dimensions of her body, or when she asks what you think of another womans body. This may save you life. The proper answer re: her body - "You look beautiful". The proper answer re: another woman - "What other woman??"
20. Always be honest about what are thinking, she may eventually quit asking.
J
I do have to defend mothers-in-law here though. I had/have the most amazingly godly mother-in-law on the planet. If I had not had her to advise me, I don't know where my son and I might be right now.
As for MY folks, I wouldn't dare have told them anything bad about my late husband, because whatever the problem might have been would CLEARLY have been MY fault. LOL When we married, my mother hugged him and said, "Good luck, son".
As for MY folks, I wouldn't dare have told them anything bad about my late husband, because whatever the problem might have been would CLEARLY have been MY fault. LOL When we married, my mother hugged him and said, "Good luck, son".
N
3.no matter how ridiculous it may seem for her to wear painful looking shoes, tennis shoes are never a viable alternative, suggesting such, is asking for trouble. Tennis shoes are not multi-purpose and do not make your legs look longer. Heels not only make your legs look longer, they make better hammers (if needed) and can be used for self-defense purposes...which will be needed because you surely can't run away wearing heels. Besides, who decided that all men like artificially long legs? Again, it's either to impress other women, or it what women THINK that men like to see.
5. Always remember dates, first kiss, first date, first time at the beach, birthday, anniversary etc. Forgetting is the fastest way to the dog house. Remembering what she was wearing on such occasions earns bonus points, so write it down and keep it with your Last Will & Testament. I might have had one of those one time, I forget.
9. Insist on driving for both of your safety, to you its a car but to her its an extension of her bedroom/bathroom/office/dining room or other place that multitasking is acceptable. To some of us, multi-tasking in the car is not important. Practicing our Danica Patrick skills IS important. And, judging by her latest race, those skills would be to crash, then have a fit screaming at the other drivers. Sure sounds like the mall parking lot to me.
10. She is going to throw out your 4-in-one bottle of Shampoo, Conditioner, Bodywash and Shaving cream. This is inevitable, so pick things out that come it different bottles. And all of said products are to be kept in YOUR shower. All of said product is to be kept in your shower. There. Fixed it for you.
11. Never wash her bras or other unmentionables. No matter how many years you have been doing laundry, nothing will prepare you for this. And all of the ladies said... Amen. Unmentionables should NEVER be put in the dryer; nor should they be used as slingshots, I don't care how much fun the waterballoon fight was. You really should have seen when we hit the nuns with the water balloon...and then again when they saw what we shot it with. I don't even know whose it was. I found it hanging from a flagpole in front of a cop shop.
14. Save the tag and receipt for any clothing that you buy her, because its never going to be exactly the right size. As long as it is too small, you are fine and your attempt will be appreciated. This is considered a compliment. If it's five sizes too big......I want to be sure...is that five sizes too big from what you actually can wear or what you say is your size?
15. Don't bother trying to figure out why packing ALL of her clothes for a weekend trip is ok. Just pack less for yourself so that you can fit more of whatever is in those bags she is bringing. One bag is needed for shoes alone. Get over it. And said shoe bag will be the approximate size of a Buick and will weigh more than the moon. Make sure to pack your truss.
5. Always remember dates, first kiss, first date, first time at the beach, birthday, anniversary etc. Forgetting is the fastest way to the dog house. Remembering what she was wearing on such occasions earns bonus points, so write it down and keep it with your Last Will & Testament. I might have had one of those one time, I forget.
9. Insist on driving for both of your safety, to you its a car but to her its an extension of her bedroom/bathroom/office/dining room or other place that multitasking is acceptable. To some of us, multi-tasking in the car is not important. Practicing our Danica Patrick skills IS important.
And, judging by her latest race, those skills would be to crash, then have a fit screaming at the other drivers. Sure sounds like the mall parking lot to me.10. She is going to throw out your 4-in-one bottle of Shampoo, Conditioner, Bodywash and Shaving cream. This is inevitable, so pick things out that come it different bottles. And all of said products are to be kept in YOUR shower.
All of said product is to be kept in your shower. There. Fixed it for you.11. Never wash her bras or other unmentionables. No matter how many years you have been doing laundry, nothing will prepare you for this. And all of the ladies said... Amen. Unmentionables should NEVER be put in the dryer; nor should they be used as slingshots, I don't care how much fun the waterballoon fight was. You really should have seen when we hit the nuns with the water balloon...and then again when they saw what we shot it with. I don't even know whose it was. I found it hanging from a flagpole in front of a cop shop.
14. Save the tag and receipt for any clothing that you buy her, because its never going to be exactly the right size. As long as it is too small, you are fine and your attempt will be appreciated. This is considered a compliment. If it's five sizes too big......I want to be sure...is that five sizes too big from what you actually can wear or what you say is your size?
15. Don't bother trying to figure out why packing ALL of her clothes for a weekend trip is ok. Just pack less for yourself so that you can fit more of whatever is in those bags she is bringing. One bag is needed for shoes alone. Get over it. And said shoe bag will be the approximate size of a Buick and will weigh more than the moon. Make sure to pack your truss.