Living with person with adhd

angelmoreover · Jun 19, 2012

'Tis very difficult to find support for non-ADHD children who are living with ADHD parents. Info on reverse (non-ADHD parents living with ADHD kids) is everywhere. My father has full-blown ADHD. He will say one thing one minute and then contradict himself completely the next, refusing to apologize no matter what.

Have heard preachers say, "The cure for ADHD is to spank the child!" Makes me realize how uneducated those preachers are because true ADHD is not a spank-cures-all condition. The brains are completely different from common sense thinking. Have studied autism and Asperger's (which are in same spectrum as ADHD) and am amazed to find that they have same quirks and symptoms as my dad. Used to think my dad was a very talkative autistic person until I started reading up on ADHD.

When kid, I actually thought he was two people taking turns "appearing" in our home because of mood swings (intense concentration and then bursts of anger, etc.). Then we discovered he had ADHD and everything made sense. Ninety-nine percent of symptoms fit him. He cannot read facial expressions or others' feelings. A smirk can become smile to him; a studious expression can mean anger. Causes many misunderstandings.

Blurts out complete wrongs all the time. Examples: 1) Was served two pieces of cake at party. As one of the people who made one cake approaches, he says, "I must say that I like the other person's cake better than the one you made." 2) Sees friend in skirt. Says, "I didn't recognize you because you always look so old when you're not wearing a skirt." 3) Remarks to person who just got haircut, "Oh! I hate it!" 4) When new house is built, says, "I don't like new structures. I wish you had kept the old house. It was prettier."

Trying to figure out how to honor him as a parent without causing friction between us because his normal is so different from the rest of world. He gets angry when I try to tell him the proper way to act in society. Causing me lots of stress since he has very short temper and is stalkish if things do not go his way. Will persist until he can get what he wants. He is a Christian and knows Bible extremely well but does not live it very well.

OK. This has gotten way too long. Just want to know if anyone else is in similar situation. This life of mine is making me short-tempered

rainacorn · Jun 19, 2012

My mom has ADD, I believe.

That wasn't a thing when she was a kid, so it's been misdiagnosed for nearly 60 years. Her life overwhelms her on a regular basis because of ADD, so doctors treat it like depression.

I say 'treat' but all they're really doing is pilling her up to take the edge off. Her dose has gone up and up and up over the years but the problems remain.

ADD wasn't something that was ever looked at until my sister had a kid with obvious ADHD. In researching that condition, we found 'adult ADD' and it read like a personality profile for my mother. She has it and she's probably always had it.

She isn't seeking treatment for it. I think she's scared of the problem suddenly going away after living with it for so long. Like she won't know what to do with herself. This is quite frustrating.

I have also struggled with honoring her as my mother when her illness makes it so hard to be around her. There was quite a bit of resentment I had to work through when I became an adult myself and realized what a poor job she had done of equipping me for life. I know now that it isn't her fault. Refusing to seek treatment IS her fault, but having the illness really isn't. It's her cross to bear, and it's certainly not an easy one. She has always had strained relationships with everyone she knows. She's very self-conscious because everyone has made it clear they find her weird...her whole life.

I try to view her issues as being eccentricities or quirks. 'Mom you so crazy' has replaced my former outbursts of serious frustration. I do pray that she seeks help for her condition, but even if she never does I don't want to be someone who just piles onto her feelings of inadequacy. That's my mom. She's totally bananas. *sigh*

wwjd_kilden · Jun 19, 2012

what? the stuff you guys desicribe is nothing like the diagnose for ADHD when I was a kid. All it does is describe an inability to focus + (ADHD / ADD+) being overly active.

inability to recognize facial expressions is NOT ADD! Or,, if it is then the whole diagnose has changed a lot over the years....
I know because I was treated for it for many years, and trust me, I never had a problem reading people in any way, I just lacked the ability to stop myself before talking, but never in ways like that, more that if someone made me angry, I would over - react. (Thankfully I have learned that now, and I have met many people without the diagnose who are worse than me at talking before thinking

).

However, it is of course fully possible for ADHD to appear together with other conditions.

TomB_2012 · Jun 19, 2012

angelmoreover said:

I have ADHD. It is hard for me as well. Especially my anger. I can get angry very quickly. And when I am angry, it takes me longer to calm down. It is harder too. But I have been trying to sort this out.

One year ago, I was in a fight in school. I was moved away by two members of staff. I started resisting. They took me to the floor (it was more of an arm drag/throw). My head was the first body part to hit the floor. As soon as I was flat on the floor, I knew where I was and I stopped resisting.

On two occasions I have walked home from the Christian youth group at our church due to similar circumstances. Well, the same. But slightly different. On both occasions I was in an argument with the same person. The first argument involved one other person and the second argument involved two or three other people. Both involved football/soccer. Playing it, not talking about it.

I know I'm not the best defender in the world (my main position is the goalkeeper), but that doesn't make my tackling dangerous or reckless. One incident (first argument) wasn't even a tackle. I was attempting to volley the ball. The main person from the arguments flew in (as in, jumped in) from behind me. I didn't notice until he collided with my leg. I think he did a somersault (can't remember, about a month ago) before landing either sitting down or lying down.

After that, all I heard was everyone blaming me for what happened and then people saying; "You could of seriously hurt him". I replied saying something like this;
"That was not my fault. I don't have eyes at the back of my head. How can I see him when he's behind me? I can't, can I? That was an accident, not deliberate."

We carried on playing. I attempted a tackle. It was an acceptable tackle. The same person called me up and said that I went in with my leg raised near the knee. I said that my foot was nowhere near that height. A few more were called.

It came to the point where I decided to perform an illegal tackle just to show the difference. I got the chance. I kicked the person with the ball a few times around the ankle-calf-shin region. I think the main person said; "Tom, go downstairs and wait there. I need to speak to you." in like an angered manner. I was angry because of the constant moans about my allegedly reckless tackling. I said something about going home. He told everyone to go downstairs. I had already grabbed my bible and was on my way out when everyone got downstairs. I didn't run.

The second one was again about my allegedly reckless tackling. Except this one was slightly worse. I was called up on numerous occasions for allegedly jumping into a tackle. On all occasions, I said no. I know I didn't. Then I was accused of trying to 'kung-fu kick' someone. I was starting to get angry after that accusation, but I kept my cool and carried on.

I was called up a final time for allegedly jumping into a tackle. I said something like; "I didn't jump in. I barely left the floor. I stepped in, not jumped in." He told everyone except two lads to go downstairs after I said that. They threw the accusations and allegations at me over and over again. I was getting more and more annoyed. I didn't let them notice this.

It came to the point where I just couldn't be bothered and I just grabbed my shirt and started making my way downstairs. Then he said; "Tom. Come here now!" as if he was speaking to his 2-3 y/o son. I turned around and just looked at him. He might of said it again, but I can't remember. I can't remember what I said, but it wasn't offensive.

I turned around started walking downstairs. I heard him saying; "OK Tom, your banned for two weeks." I said back up the stairs; "Do you think I'm bothered?" My mood had worsened after his aggravated demand.

I walked into the room where everyone else was. He walked in and decided to carry on. I knew it was matter of time before I lost it, so I picked up my stuff and saw myself out. I'm sure he made a threat towards me about going home.

I know what happens when I lose it. I shout. I swear (I try not to). I sometimes break something. In the past, I've even attacked people when I've lost it (only when; they say something very derogatory about friends of mine with special needs (ADHD, Down's Syndrome etc), they say that my Dad's dead (he is deceased) or when I have just been attacked).

Me, and another Christian friend both believe that I was the most mature on both occasions. Whenever this sort of thing has happened in school, I've been told to either ignore them or remove myself from the situation. I did the second one on both occasions. The second occasion took longer because my mood had worsened. But I still acted with maturity.

I found out that he even accused me of swearing at some point. I would know if I had swore or not. I know that I didn't.

Foxxtale · Jun 19, 2012

I have ADHD as well.
our brains do function differently but we are NOT without common sense as a whole.

as for how we are different:
-we are easily distracted because we lack a "filter" for irrelevant stimuli. as such, all external stimuli compete for our attention equally.
-we play a constant game of "what if?", always exploring alternatives.
-we often speak before we think.
-When we lock into a task, literally NOTHING can stop us... but when we don't want to do something, nothing can make us.
-we are hypersensitive. All external stimuli, no matter how minor it may appear to you, affect us powerfully. Noises, colors... literally anything can overstimulate us
-many of us don't like to be touched, because our sense of touch is also hypersensitive.
-our emotions fluctuate quickly because we live on perpetual emotional rollercoasters.
-We are very quick to anger, but just as quick to snap out of it.
-we exaggerate EVERYTHING, not because we are lying, but because the world is far more vivid to us.
-minor setbacks or frustrations can derail our efforts easily, and these setbacks include people interrupting our own internal thoughts.
-there is always a sense of need. We don't know what it is we need, but we know we need... SOMETHING. it's like a constant thirst.
-we are always looking for stimulation. As such, we have a tendency to become addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, extreme sports, or anything else
-our activity levels fluctuate as the day goes on. Often, we are full bore in the morning, asleep by noon, and full tilt all night until it is time to pass out
-we are often night owls
-we have issues with time management
-we are usually quite messy
-we can analyze things to death, but often find it nearly impossible to start working on a task.
-it takes FAR more effort to change tasks.
-when left to our own devices, we are freakin' brilliant! we can come up with surprisingly creative solutions faster than almost anyone else
-when forced into someone else's agenda, we find it difficult to function and often react in a rebellious, hostile, or sometimes violent way.
-connections to the world are far slower. we need to re-read or hear things repeatedly, and we often stumble over words while speaking or typing.
-internal connections are lightning quick. We think faster than anyone else, and we are ALWAYS thinking.
-we burn out quickly.
-when we get overstimulated, we tend to shut down completely. It might look like we are being belligerent, but in fact, it is more like a paralysis.

those of us with ADHD are different, but we are NOT defective! we have different needs than most, but we also have some very valuable strengths!
we are highly creative, active, open minded, curious, enthusiastic, compassionate, and we do everything with an intensity rarely seen elsewhere.

I know we are not easy to live with at first, but with some practice and effort, you will find us to be rather bearable. There is a book that I would highly recommend for anyone living with someone that has AD/HD. It's called "Is it you, me, or adult ADD?". It explains what AD/HD is, explains our behaviors, how to cope with us, and how to understand us better. It has really helped my parents understand why I am the way I am. They have told me that this book has saved my life

Another book, called "You mean I'm not lazy, stupid, or crazy?!", is written more to those of us that have AD/HD. It again explains what it is, why we are the way we are, and what we can do about it. I highly recommend this book too, because again, it has dramatically changed (and probably saved) my life. While I still have ADHD, I am finally able to control it... WITHOUT medication!

I pray that you find the assistance you need! and may God bless you!
-Foxx

angelmoreover · Jun 19, 2012

Thanks, rainacorn. Your situation sounds so similar to mine. When my dad was growing up, they didn't know anything about ADHD. He has stories about his brother hitting him in the mouth because my dad wouldn't stop talking and about the bro trying to make him sit still for five minutes and how hard that was. My dad has a very high IQ but is completely useless if he doesn't want to do something. My mom used to have to do everything for him and now I've taken over her job. He loves to read books but refuses to read one-page forms or instructions because "it's just to much trouble." I have siblings who refuse to help and have all moved away. Am the only one willing to take care of him. Used to be able to laugh at his quirks, but is getting more difficult recently.

A parent can try to discipline and teach an ADHD child, but I can't do that with my dad's mistakes. I have read many many MANY sites and books that tell about ADHD and understand they live in a different world. I realize it must be so hard not to have control over what comes out of your mouth, not being able to clean up, not being able to concentrate, missing 90 percent of what is being said and having to have people repeat info all the time, having no control over outbursts, not being able to apologize when actually wanting to, etc. I would hate to have to live like that and am empathetic towards my dad and ADHDers.

The problem, however, is not that I don't have enough info about ADHD. There's plenty of that.

It's that I myself don't have ADHD and am still having to live in my parent's ADHD world, picking up after mistakes he makes in society. I'm supposed to respect and honor my parent, but it's more like I have to clean up after every mistake he brings home. That starts to take a toll on you when you also have a life to live but it keeps on getting interrupted by people who contact you because of some wrong your father has done; when you have to "interpret" any instructions for him because he doesn't want to make the effort to understand written or spoken words; when he misplaces important documents and you have to go looking for them in his hoarder rooms; and you have to stop him from writing angry letters or excitedly calling people that have kindly been his friend for some time even with his quirkiness, because you want him to keep the few friends that he still has.

I need to know how others without ADHD are handling life with ADHD family members who aren't children.

Foxxtale · Jun 19, 2012

at what point did you decide that you were responsible for his mistakes?

wwjd_kilden · Jun 20, 2012

My point was more along the lines of: Are you certain this is only ADHD? because it sounds more severe, maybe some other treatment would be helpful?

FrankensteinGirls · Jun 20, 2012

My father has ADHD (as does my sis and my brother and me) it was really hard sometimes when we were younger and his meds were not right, he's very calm now though, get along with him much better than mom.

Sometimes I worry about my fiancé and I , just because I know I'm hard to be around when I'm displaying bipolar or ADHD symptoms . Good luck.

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Living with person with adhd

angelmoreover

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Foxxtale

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