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charm1110

Guest
#1
#1
Hello to all here,
I'm new to this site so pls. bear with me as I get through this.
2 mos. ago right before halloween my wife of 21 yrs. came home falling down drunk, so drunk that she passed out in her friends truck in her lap parked in front of our house. She didn't remember anything so she said then she claimed to only have had 4 glasses of wine after work that night hmmmm...lets see she finished work at 6:30 p.m. didn't get home till after midnight and couldn't remember what happened. Later she told me that her friend and her were arguing at work and she drank with others at the restaraunt just to make her friend ( who was also very drunk) wait. Needless to say this set me off into a rage and in the following days we argued and yelled alot at each other. She asked for frogiveness but I've had a really hard time with that as this brought out a lot of my own fears and insecurities which I did talk to her about. Since then things have been alternately good then not so good.
For the last 2 yrs. she has chosen to spend nearly every free moment with her friend including going to church with her instead of with us, once on returning from a 3 week trip with our daughter she came home and immediately told me that she wanted to go see her friend. There are many other instances of her choosing to be with this person more than with me and our family.
I realized that I hadn't been that great of a communicator with her and the anger and resentment I kept inside were doing great damage to our relationship, so I started praying and talking to her and others about it. I've made a lot of changes in the way i try to communicate with her and she has also tried to spend more time with me/ us at home and doing family activities together. I've really been working on my relationship with God and improving my attitude with Him. We are both Christians and try to share that with each other but often times even those discussions turn into a power play about who's right and who's wrong. She still sneaks her friend time in and thinks I don't know she's tried to lie about it and is constantly telling me that I need to fix myself. I don't know what to say to make her see my side of this or if it's possible for her I feel like she's just biding her time 'til I stop trying and she can go back to her selfish behavior. I won't give up but am growing tired of this up/down cycle. any suggestions?
 
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naomibelieves

Guest
#3
#3
Charm 1110,

Lord, I am praying for Charm's wife to express her feelings to her husband of 21 years about what bothers her and what's going on in her head. Please remind her Father that Charm is her best friend and why she married him in the 1st place. Intervene in their circumstances, Father and also, Lord, give wisdom to Charm to listen to his wife's version of what's going on without getting angry or defensive.Lord, bering blessings, mercy and peace into Charm's home. Father, it is in your power to move this family into the healing process. Amen.

As a human being and a wife myslef, i would reccomend you to give your wife some space, please do not ask her where she has been and so on, or what they do with her friend. When time comes, she will tell you. Instead, be very supportive of your wife. Accept her the way she is, as you do not have power to change her behavior, only Lord does.

Do you go to the same church with your wife? How about marriage councelling with a pastor?

Pray and don't give up/
God Bless,
Naomi
 
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charm1110

Guest
#4
#4
Loveschild, Thank you for your prayers and well-wishes for my family and I. They are greatly appreciated. naomibelieves, Thank you also, and for your reminder to listen and give her space and to accept her for the person she is. I asked her today if she was still angry and her reply was "not angry just exhausted and it's more peaceful to not talk to me" I understood what she meant and said nothing further. I'm really trying hard not to let my feelings get the best of me to where I start lashing out at her and constantly ask God to give us peace and acceptance with each other. I still feel that she's not looking at her shortcomings here and putting it all on me, but I also know that the Lord hates divorce and will repair the damage here. I just hope to be patient enough to let that happen. God Bless both of you, Charm
 
loveschild

loveschild

Banned
#5
May 21, 2009
3,955
25
0
#5
For some reason this came to my mind.
There was this man. His wife did something wrong and he was mad at his wife.
The Lord told him to forgive her. He said but Lord she was wrong, she should be coming to me to ask me to forgive her.
The Lord said forgive her. He was still very mad and hurt and he didn't want to forgive her.
The Lord told him to think of a picture of his heart. Around the heart is candles all around the heart. Everytime you don't forgive or hold something in your heart the devil comes and blows out one of your candles.
The man went and forgave his wife.
And things got better.
 
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charm1110

Guest
#6
#6
loveschild said:
For some reason this came to my mind.
There was this man. His wife did something wrong and he was mad at his wife.
The Lord told him to forgive her. He said but Lord she was wrong, she should be coming to me to ask me to forgive her.
The Lord said forgive her. He was still very mad and hurt and he didn't want to forgive her.
The Lord told him to think of a picture of his heart. Around the heart is candles all around the heart. Everytime you don't forgive or hold something in your heart the devil comes and blows out one of your candles.
The man went and forgave his wife.
And things got better.
Click to expand...
Wow! I really struggle with forgiveness in general but especially with my wife right now. I do pray on that but seem to always get stuck in that " she was wrong" kind of thinking. My wife tells me forgiving means forgetting what happened and I try to do that but am not very good at staying in that forgiveness.
 
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charm1110

Guest
#7
#7
Right now my wife is sitting outside having a glass of wine with her friend. We've barely spoken 3 words to each other all day and I feel like she's testing me. I'm just venting I guess, I have nothing productive to say to her and certainly nothing to say to her friend Just sit here and ask God for the gift of tolerance.
 
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naomibelieves

Guest
#8
#8
Charm 1110,

Here are some other things that may help you:

1. Do not forger about your duties of a husband.
Epith 5:25-33
A husband should be committed to doing good to his wife, even she is not acting lovingly toward him...
You must do good to her even at the cost of your personal sacrifice.

2.About forgiveness:

-forgive and forget are 2 different things. I know you can forgive your wife, just remember how much God has forviven you

-Matt 18:32-35
Forgive from your heart

3. A pastor once told me to pretend as if my usband was not there, as if he was dead. Would you stop worshipping God, going to work,...? Do not concentrate on bad things your wife does, instead face one day at a time, and pray

God bless,

Naomi
 
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asamanthinketh

Guest
#9
#9
if your marriage is going to survive someone needs to compromise
selfishness always destroys a relationship and brings harm to the one that is actually caring
and the one that is selfish always thinks that they are doing nothing wrong

i've lived with it for about 10 years now and it is very destructive and it does get tiring that the selfish one does not care at all
 
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asamanthinketh

Guest
#10
#10
i'm not a man, so i really have no right to judge this, but the bible does say that for christians and if you want a peaceful marriage that a man is to love his wife as christ loved the church and give himself up for her. so whatever it takes, the ball is in the man's court
and alot of times women are more vulnerable and emotional than men, men tend to be more reasonable and logical
 
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charm1110

Guest
#11
#11
asamanthinketh said:
i'm not a man, so i really have no right to judge this, but the bible does say that for christians and if you want a peaceful marriage that a man is to love his wife as christ loved the church and give himself up for her. so whatever it takes, the ball is in the man's court
and alot of times women are more vulnerable and emotional than men, men tend to be more reasonable and logical
Click to expand...
Yes the bible does instruct us (men) to love our wives like Christ loves the church, and I believe that wholeheartedly. I do love my wife that much and am doing everything I can to stay here and be with her and my kids. Still I'm only human and do have feelings too, no one likes to be ignored or cast aside due to their spouse's inconsiderate actions and behaviors and worse yet when they're aware of the behaviors and continue to do them. All I can do at this time is continually give it to God and try to stay positive in my own actions.
 
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SeekinHIM

Guest
#12
#12
Precious Brother,

Be encouraged, this is truly a GODly response, be blessed my Brother, stay focused on HIM, and HE will work all things out.............


You no doubt know the Scripture.....................And we know that GOD causes all things to work together for GOOD to those who love GOD, to those who are called according to HIS purpose, for those whom HE forknew, HE predestined to be conformed to the Image of HIS SON so that HE would be the firstborn among many brethren................ROMANS 8:28+29
 
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