Marriage struggling Please pray

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EssBee

New member
Nov 26, 2021
5
1
3
#1
Hello all,

I am new here, but I joined so that I could receive prayer from my Christian brothers and sisters. Since Covid, we haven’t been to church and it is taking its toll.

I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. He is from India and I’m American so there are vast cultural differences, but he did give his heart to the Lord before we were married. there has always existed in him This need to control me and when I would stand up for myself, he would be offended and internalize this as if I had wounded him. We have dealt with this from the beginning and he has apologized and promised it would never happen again, etc.

there is so much to write, but I’ll keep it simple. I’m a faithful and loyal wife. I have spent this marriage loving my husband more than my own life, giving him everything he has wanted. I took a backseat and put a hold on everything so that he could further his life and career. his true battle is his ambition. It takes him away from his family, makes him tired and stressed, and yet he always wants more. Obviously, he struggles to walk with the Lord though he claims to be a christian and to love God. He doesn’t read, doesn’t attend church, so the intention is there, but not the relationship.

Hes gotten To a point where he’s always mean and picking at me. If I address this and he’s in the mood, he’ll apologize, say he doesn’t know why he does it, say I’m the most incredible person he’s ever known, doesn’t deserve me, etc. if he’s not in the mood or is overcome with the discouragement of it all, he will completely shut down, he’ll go numb, be very cold and cruel. Will actually look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t want to talk, he needs his peace, is fine if we aren’t together.

it’s a hard thing to have someone tell you that you are their soulmate and then 24 hours later, is accusing you of all the things they are actually doing. he doesn’t like being accountable. it was our anniversary on the 24th. I begged him this year to give me a nice anniversary, and a nice thanksgiving because, for some reason, he destroys every single event day. He told me Monday he was sorry for everything and would do everything to give me a memorable week. on the 23rd, he was back to picking on me. I had had enough and asked why he did it. I went so far as to say “do you even love me.?” To which he replied “of course. I can’t live without you.” But then he started to get cold and do that thing where he stares at the roof or the wall, basically what a toddler does when you scold them. I should have known he wasn’t in the mood to be accountable. It’s a mood thing and I can always tell when it’s going to go south. I just can’t stand a bully and after weeks of patience, I just have to stand up for myself. Culturally, this doesn’t work for him. Needless to say, he didn’t come straight home after work On our anniversary. Saw him around 9pm. That was my anniversary. then on thanksgiving morning, he was gone. He left without a word and was gone for 2 days.

when I finally got him on the phone Saturday (after 20 calls), he said I was destroying this relationship, that I took his peace. I tried to reason with him as I often do, telling him this was impossible, that just Monday, he told me I was his blessing, his soulmate, his everything. It isn’t possible and uncharacteristic that I could become this creature he imagined. Basically, he’s mad that I couldn’t take the bullying, stood up for myself, called him out. So he builds this reality in which I BECOME all the things he’s actually doing to me.

I lost both grandparents this summer, most important people in my world. I lost a cousin in an auto accident and my uncle just before. It has been hard. But it has made me really value what little time we have here. That it can be gone any minute. I’ve loved my husband unconditionally and despite his failings. I’ve cared for his soul as I do right now as I type this. i finally got him back home, but he wants to ignore me. I told him I can’t go on living like this. That if he doesn’t value my life, then he should just leave me. when he does actually speak, he says that I’ve thrown him away and he’s tired of me telling him I’m going to leave him and tired of me yelling at him. Then he actually gets tears in his eyes... his brain must truly believe he is being victimized (Which he will apologize for later).

first, I’m not an angry person. At all. Very patient. But I do come to a point with my husband where I’ve had enough and then I tell him. My anger is justified. I’m never cruel and I never say mean things. My voice is elevated but I’m always in control. He admits this later, but at the time, he sees me as yelling at him.

second, I don’t threaten him with divorce. I tell him that he has to change or I don’t know how we’ll survive. I’m not secure in our marriage and I never know when he’ll actually go so far that he can’t come back. He tells me this will never happen, we’re together forever. And then this will happen and he’ll actually Leave and tell me he’s done.

im a strong woman. Like everyone here, I’ve been through a lot. As my husband often tells me, I’m kind, patient, loving. And Im selfless. I guess that’s why my husband has stayed so long... because he is not.

I told my husband today that I can’t do it anymore. If he truly loves me, then he must put things in place that will keep him accountable, I.e. connecting with a pastor, having Christian brothers who can encourage and pray when he is in these moments. He gets away with so much because no one sees it happening and he only has me to face which doesn’t matter to him anymore. If he doesn’t love me, then I asked him to leave me. Because I obviously can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love me. He nodded his head as if it was no problem what I was saying. he is completely disconnected. I have tears in my eyes and he says “I’m not doing anything to you.”

i Know how this all sounds. One would wonder why i love him at all. He’s always had this anger and he would throw these fits. where he’s from, it’s not a good thing for the woman to stand up for herself. Even though he has sisters and he cares when their husbands do this to them. But he has gotten worse, as people tend to do. He needs the Lord, a real relationship. And I’m falling apart doing his job, keeping everything together. I need your prayer. I don’t believe divorce is an option outside of infidelity. But this is his pattern. I’m never secure. I’m never free to express how I feel because if I do, he’ll punish me, leave me with our toddler, not Answer my calls, go stay in an Airbnb. So I’m not free to feel at all.
i regard this as emotional abuse and yes, a pastor needs to be involved. But he doesn’t care about that right now. He’s at a point where he’s saying the marriage is done.

im shellshocked. It’s just not normal to have someone telling you how wonderful you are and then saying they are done because YOU can’t control yourself.

please just pray. im So tired, so hopeless at times. I’ve failed to get my husband into church. I’d be able to call a pastor right now if we were in fellowship. I’m broken-hearted because we are one and we are divided. I even said that today “we are one, aren’t we?” He looked at me and said “no.” My love is real, unconditional. I feel really alone.

pray that his eyes be opened and the God works on his heart. Pray that I find a way to just be quiet and let God do the work. It’s not healthy to be ignored in your home, and for my toddler to see that, but the alternative is to say “you don’t have the right to treat me this way” and my husband will just continue to ignore or reply with “I don’t feel like talking.” we don’t actually ever argue. He goes into this numb place. If I get upset, he’ll just retreat and not answer. if i Were to ask him to leave, he would happily go.

Thank you for reading. It is hard to write about something complex. But I’m a ChristIan and I need your prayers. And so does my husband. Because eternity with the Lord is the most valuable thing. Love you all.
 

Gideon300

Well-known member
Mar 18, 2021
4,816
2,805
113
#2
Hello all,

I am new here, but I joined so that I could receive prayer from my Christian brothers and sisters. Since Covid, we haven’t been to church and it is taking its toll.

I have been with my husband for 13 years, married for 9. He is from India and I’m American so there are vast cultural differences, but he did give his heart to the Lord before we were married. there has always existed in him This need to control me and when I would stand up for myself, he would be offended and internalize this as if I had wounded him. We have dealt with this from the beginning and he has apologized and promised it would never happen again, etc.

there is so much to write, but I’ll keep it simple. I’m a faithful and loyal wife. I have spent this marriage loving my husband more than my own life, giving him everything he has wanted. I took a backseat and put a hold on everything so that he could further his life and career. his true battle is his ambition. It takes him away from his family, makes him tired and stressed, and yet he always wants more. Obviously, he struggles to walk with the Lord though he claims to be a christian and to love God. He doesn’t read, doesn’t attend church, so the intention is there, but not the relationship.

Hes gotten To a point where he’s always mean and picking at me. If I address this and he’s in the mood, he’ll apologize, say he doesn’t know why he does it, say I’m the most incredible person he’s ever known, doesn’t deserve me, etc. if he’s not in the mood or is overcome with the discouragement of it all, he will completely shut down, he’ll go numb, be very cold and cruel. Will actually look me in the face and tell me he doesn’t want to talk, he needs his peace, is fine if we aren’t together.

it’s a hard thing to have someone tell you that you are their soulmate and then 24 hours later, is accusing you of all the things they are actually doing. he doesn’t like being accountable. it was our anniversary on the 24th. I begged him this year to give me a nice anniversary, and a nice thanksgiving because, for some reason, he destroys every single event day. He told me Monday he was sorry for everything and would do everything to give me a memorable week. on the 23rd, he was back to picking on me. I had had enough and asked why he did it. I went so far as to say “do you even love me.?” To which he replied “of course. I can’t live without you.” But then he started to get cold and do that thing where he stares at the roof or the wall, basically what a toddler does when you scold them. I should have known he wasn’t in the mood to be accountable. It’s a mood thing and I can always tell when it’s going to go south. I just can’t stand a bully and after weeks of patience, I just have to stand up for myself. Culturally, this doesn’t work for him. Needless to say, he didn’t come straight home after work On our anniversary. Saw him around 9pm. That was my anniversary. then on thanksgiving morning, he was gone. He left without a word and was gone for 2 days.

when I finally got him on the phone Saturday (after 20 calls), he said I was destroying this relationship, that I took his peace. I tried to reason with him as I often do, telling him this was impossible, that just Monday, he told me I was his blessing, his soulmate, his everything. It isn’t possible and uncharacteristic that I could become this creature he imagined. Basically, he’s mad that I couldn’t take the bullying, stood up for myself, called him out. So he builds this reality in which I BECOME all the things he’s actually doing to me.

I lost both grandparents this summer, most important people in my world. I lost a cousin in an auto accident and my uncle just before. It has been hard. But it has made me really value what little time we have here. That it can be gone any minute. I’ve loved my husband unconditionally and despite his failings. I’ve cared for his soul as I do right now as I type this. i finally got him back home, but he wants to ignore me. I told him I can’t go on living like this. That if he doesn’t value my life, then he should just leave me. when he does actually speak, he says that I’ve thrown him away and he’s tired of me telling him I’m going to leave him and tired of me yelling at him. Then he actually gets tears in his eyes... his brain must truly believe he is being victimized (Which he will apologize for later).

first, I’m not an angry person. At all. Very patient. But I do come to a point with my husband where I’ve had enough and then I tell him. My anger is justified. I’m never cruel and I never say mean things. My voice is elevated but I’m always in control. He admits this later, but at the time, he sees me as yelling at him.

second, I don’t threaten him with divorce. I tell him that he has to change or I don’t know how we’ll survive. I’m not secure in our marriage and I never know when he’ll actually go so far that he can’t come back. He tells me this will never happen, we’re together forever. And then this will happen and he’ll actually Leave and tell me he’s done.

im a strong woman. Like everyone here, I’ve been through a lot. As my husband often tells me, I’m kind, patient, loving. And Im selfless. I guess that’s why my husband has stayed so long... because he is not.

I told my husband today that I can’t do it anymore. If he truly loves me, then he must put things in place that will keep him accountable, I.e. connecting with a pastor, having Christian brothers who can encourage and pray when he is in these moments. He gets away with so much because no one sees it happening and he only has me to face which doesn’t matter to him anymore. If he doesn’t love me, then I asked him to leave me. Because I obviously can’t hold on to someone who doesn’t love me. He nodded his head as if it was no problem what I was saying. he is completely disconnected. I have tears in my eyes and he says “I’m not doing anything to you.”

i Know how this all sounds. One would wonder why i love him at all. He’s always had this anger and he would throw these fits. where he’s from, it’s not a good thing for the woman to stand up for herself. Even though he has sisters and he cares when their husbands do this to them. But he has gotten worse, as people tend to do. He needs the Lord, a real relationship. And I’m falling apart doing his job, keeping everything together. I need your prayer. I don’t believe divorce is an option outside of infidelity. But this is his pattern. I’m never secure. I’m never free to express how I feel because if I do, he’ll punish me, leave me with our toddler, not Answer my calls, go stay in an Airbnb. So I’m not free to feel at all.
i regard this as emotional abuse and yes, a pastor needs to be involved. But he doesn’t care about that right now. He’s at a point where he’s saying the marriage is done.

im shellshocked. It’s just not normal to have someone telling you how wonderful you are and then saying they are done because YOU can’t control yourself.

please just pray. im So tired, so hopeless at times. I’ve failed to get my husband into church. I’d be able to call a pastor right now if we were in fellowship. I’m broken-hearted because we are one and we are divided. I even said that today “we are one, aren’t we?” He looked at me and said “no.” My love is real, unconditional. I feel really alone.

pray that his eyes be opened and the God works on his heart. Pray that I find a way to just be quiet and let God do the work. It’s not healthy to be ignored in your home, and for my toddler to see that, but the alternative is to say “you don’t have the right to treat me this way” and my husband will just continue to ignore or reply with “I don’t feel like talking.” we don’t actually ever argue. He goes into this numb place. If I get upset, he’ll just retreat and not answer. if i Were to ask him to leave, he would happily go.

Thank you for reading. It is hard to write about something complex. But I’m a ChristIan and I need your prayers. And so does my husband. Because eternity with the Lord is the most valuable thing. Love you all.
My advice is to quit trying to make your husband do anything. Say nothing abut Christian things. If he is a believer, then God will sort him out. If he is not a believer, then your words are likely to drive him away, not draw him close.

1 Peter 3:1
"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives"

Paul gives similar advice 1 Corinthians 7

You also need to forgive your husband for every offence that he has caused you. This article is very long, but contains the key to being free from unforgiveness. And unforgiveness is the marriage destroyer - even secular counselors have realised this. A good marriage can go sour in a year, that's how harmful unforgiveness can be.

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

I would also suggest that you both watch a Mark Gungor marriage seminar. He is remarkable, very funny and he does not blame men for being men. He is a realist and what he teaches works.

"I have failed...." No doubt you've done your best. OK, it's time for you to quit trying and let God fix your husband. God is well able. Very often, it us we who get in the way. While we are trying, God will stand back and watch. Give yourself a break, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord!

It may not turn out the way you want. It will turn out for the very best. Put all your trust and confidence in Jesus, he will never let you down.
 

EssBee

New member
Nov 26, 2021
5
1
3
#3
My advice is to quit trying to make your husband do anything. Say nothing abut Christian things. If he is a believer, then God will sort him out. If he is not a believer, then your words are likely to drive him away, not draw him close.

1 Peter 3:1
"Wives, in the same way, submit yourselves to your husbands, so that even if they refuse to believe the word, they will be won over without words by the behavior of their wives"

Paul gives similar advice 1 Corinthians 7

You also need to forgive your husband for every offence that he has caused you. This article is very long, but contains the key to being free from unforgiveness. And unforgiveness is the marriage destroyer - even secular counselors have realised this. A good marriage can go sour in a year, that's how harmful unforgiveness can be.

https://www.christianlife.org.au/can-you-forgive-from-your-heart

I would also suggest that you both watch a Mark Gungor marriage seminar. He is remarkable, very funny and he does not blame men for being men. He is a realist and what he teaches works.

"I have failed...." No doubt you've done your best. OK, it's time for you to quit trying and let God fix your husband. God is well able. Very often, it us we who get in the way. While we are trying, God will stand back and watch. Give yourself a break, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord!

It may not turn out the way you want. It will turn out for the very best. Put all your trust and confidence in Jesus, he will never let you down.
hi there, thank you for your thoughtful post. I just want to clarify that I don’t inItaly try to make my husband do anything. He does what he wants. On rare occasion, I have stood up for myself. That’s all. And that is enough to make him numb and cruel. So this isn’t two people battling at all. No arguing. No nothing. He simply flips in personality if I challenge control. I believe a wife is to be submissive, but being bullied doesn’t fall under that category.

and I am still patient. I speak up after many weeks or months of this. Thanks for the thoughts.
 

Aaron56

Well-known member
Jul 12, 2021
2,404
1,360
113
#4
I am just shining some light on the issue so please take this with my intent simply to be informative.

We have an enemy that schemes against us. We know he is not flesh and blood but spiritual. Spiritual issues require spiritual solutions. That is not to say that there is nothing to do in the natural. When we align with God's intent in the natural we often allow His spiritual solutions to come into our lives.

You have been dealing with something that has been in your husband since he was a child. Perhaps, it was a scheme set against his family even before he was born. The Indian culture is an honor-based culture. Actually, the dichotomy is honor/disgrace. This is what you see come over him when you demand an account of his actions: disgrace. Disgrace literally unplugs a person from their agency making them ineffectual against criticism and hardship. This also explains why he runs away from challenges.

I don't know where this came from but it is deeply rooted in him so it was likely a traumatic event or through a valued relationship. For now, the origin does not matter. What matters mostly is that you do not absorb any of the blame for his actions. You did not do this to him. This is a scheme of the enemy set against him. If he wants free from it he will have to turn to the Lord in this matter.

To help him do this you can do several things. 1) Find a pastor or spiritual elder in which to confide. Take with you your sister or another believing woman so that there is no shadow if impropriety. You need someone who loves the Lord and who has experience trusting God. 2) No longer argue with him, no matter what. Refuse to be separated by emotional turmoil. When you address him in his state of disgrace you may a) speak to him directly as your husband, encouraging him and b) speak against the scheme of the enemy that has been set against him and you.

It might sound like this: "You are my husband. I am your wife. I will not be separated from you. We are one."
Him: "We are not one."
You: "We are one. If you cannot see it I suggest you get some help."
Him: "I don't need help. You do."
You: "I also need help, you are correct."
Him: "I don't need help."
You: "I have said what I needed to say. I have a meeting scheduled with a pastor. You may come with me."
Him: "I'm not going!"
You: say nothing and keep the appointment.

3) Pray to the Lord that He deal with your husband. It is not your responsibility to deal with his issues. As you pray, ask the Lord to teach you to take your hands off of your husband's issue. You may be led to speak truth to your husband but you are not his counselor in this matter. It is his responsibility to take his issues to the Lord. This is your time to know what it is to take refuge in the Lord. He will not leave you to your own devices and fears. He will show you the way through this.

Blessings,
Aaron56
 

EssBee

New member
Nov 26, 2021
5
1
3
#5
I am just shining some light on the issue so please take this with my intent simply to be informative.

We have an enemy that schemes against us. We know he is not flesh and blood but spiritual. Spiritual issues require spiritual solutions. That is not to say that there is nothing to do in the natural. When we align with God's intent in the natural we often allow His spiritual solutions to come into our lives.

You have been dealing with something that has been in your husband since he was a child. Perhaps, it was a scheme set against his family even before he was born. The Indian culture is an honor-based culture. Actually, the dichotomy is honor/disgrace. This is what you see come over him when you demand an account of his actions: disgrace. Disgrace literally unplugs a person from their agency making them ineffectual against criticism and hardship. This also explains why he runs away from challenges.

I don't know where this came from but it is deeply rooted in him so it was likely a traumatic event or through a valued relationship. For now, the origin does not matter. What matters mostly is that you do not absorb any of the blame for his actions. You did not do this to him. This is a scheme of the enemy set against him. If he wants free from it he will have to turn to the Lord in this matter.

To help him do this you can do several things. 1) Find a pastor or spiritual elder in which to confide. Take with you your sister or another believing woman so that there is no shadow if impropriety. You need someone who loves the Lord and who has experience trusting God. 2) No longer argue with him, no matter what. Refuse to be separated by emotional turmoil. When you address him in his state of disgrace you may a) speak to him directly as your husband, encouraging him and b) speak against the scheme of the enemy that has been set against him and you.

It might sound like this: "You are my husband. I am your wife. I will not be separated from you. We are one."
Him: "We are not one."
You: "We are one. If you cannot see it I suggest you get some help."
Him: "I don't need help. You do."
You: "I also need help, you are correct."
Him: "I don't need help."
You: "I have said what I needed to say. I have a meeting scheduled with a pastor. You may come with me."
Him: "I'm not going!"
You: say nothing and keep the appointment.

3) Pray to the Lord that He deal with your husband. It is not your responsibility to deal with his issues. As you pray, ask the Lord to teach you to take your hands off of your husband's issue. You may be led to speak truth to your husband but you are not his counselor in this matter. It is his responsibility to take his issues to the Lord. This is your time to know what it is to take refuge in the Lord. He will not leave you to your own devices and fears. He will show you the way through this.

Blessings,
Aaron56
Hi Aaron,

I want to thank you for taking the time to share Truth with me. Of course, as a Christian, these are things that I know, understand, have attempted to implement over and over and over again. And every time, I fail. I know I am engaging with something very deep, very old. And I don't mean something that happened in his life. I mean I am dealing with a powerful culture. And he knows deep down inside that there are these things about himself that he does not like, that have no place in a loving marriage, and yet these things are more powerful than he is. If he had any root in the Word, the Word would be speaking to him as he drove, as he worked. But the Lord will determine the time, I suppose.

When you listed out what our dialogue should be, that is actually, word-for-word, what happens. The difference is the very last line, "You: say nothing and keep the appointment." This is where I fail. I get so discouraged that it's like I can't face the day. However, this time, I organized things so that tomorrow, I am going to church study in the morning. Someone was able to watch my son so that I could go do this. Must be providence from the Lord. I obviously need to make this connection with my spiritual family whether my husband goes with me or not. And, as of right now, he's supposedly done with the marriage. So, I need to just go.

I struggle because I KNOW I'm being bullied. He knows he's bullying me. He has admitted it. I KNOW what is going on in the home and yet I have this immense compulsion to stop it. But I can't. I don't want the sun to go down on anger, but my husband has never been someone who can take resposibility in the moment and stop his flesh, call on God to stop the enemy; it always takes time. And I am my own worst enemy expecting that someone else cares about the rules.

No longer argue with him. Although, as I mentioned before, we don't actually argue. I rail against a mountain until I bleed, the mountain does not move. So I really just have to keep my mouth shut because I can't reach him anyway.

Thank you for the encouragement and edification. I do need a pastor in my life, a body of Christ in my life, and to be a member of that body. Receiving this message from a Christian man is invaluable.

My day is not easier. I am so discouraged and down. I feel so lonely. But please remember us in your prayers. And thanks again.
 

Aaron56

Well-known member
Jul 12, 2021
2,404
1,360
113
#6
Hi Aaron,

I want to thank you for taking the time to share Truth with me. Of course, as a Christian, these are things that I know, understand, have attempted to implement over and over and over again. And every time, I fail. I know I am engaging with something very deep, very old. And I don't mean something that happened in his life. I mean I am dealing with a powerful culture. And he knows deep down inside that there are these things about himself that he does not like, that have no place in a loving marriage, and yet these things are more powerful than he is. If he had any root in the Word, the Word would be speaking to him as he drove, as he worked. But the Lord will determine the time, I suppose.

When you listed out what our dialogue should be, that is actually, word-for-word, what happens. The difference is the very last line, "You: say nothing and keep the appointment." This is where I fail. I get so discouraged that it's like I can't face the day. However, this time, I organized things so that tomorrow, I am going to church study in the morning. Someone was able to watch my son so that I could go do this. Must be providence from the Lord. I obviously need to make this connection with my spiritual family whether my husband goes with me or not. And, as of right now, he's supposedly done with the marriage. So, I need to just go.

I struggle because I KNOW I'm being bullied. He knows he's bullying me. He has admitted it. I KNOW what is going on in the home and yet I have this immense compulsion to stop it. But I can't. I don't want the sun to go down on anger, but my husband has never been someone who can take resposibility in the moment and stop his flesh, call on God to stop the enemy; it always takes time. And I am my own worst enemy expecting that someone else cares about the rules.

No longer argue with him. Although, as I mentioned before, we don't actually argue. I rail against a mountain until I bleed, the mountain does not move. So I really just have to keep my mouth shut because I can't reach him anyway.

Thank you for the encouragement and edification. I do need a pastor in my life, a body of Christ in my life, and to be a member of that body. Receiving this message from a Christian man is invaluable.

My day is not easier. I am so discouraged and down. I feel so lonely. But please remember us in your prayers. And thanks again.
The Lord will go before you in this, sister. I will pray for you and your husband. I cannot tell you the outcome save for one truth: all who trust in the Lord will see His goodness. God bless you.
 

Gideon300

Well-known member
Mar 18, 2021
4,816
2,805
113
#7
hi there, thank you for your thoughtful post. I just want to clarify that I don’t inItaly try to make my husband do anything. He does what he wants. On rare occasion, I have stood up for myself. That’s all. And that is enough to make him numb and cruel. So this isn’t two people battling at all. No arguing. No nothing. He simply flips in personality if I challenge control. I believe a wife is to be submissive, but being bullied doesn’t fall under that category.

and I am still patient. I speak up after many weeks or months of this. Thanks for the thoughts.
OK. It's a tough one. I had the opposite problem, a pseudo-Christian wife who had to control everything and everyone around her. It came to a head when a most mature Christian challenged her as to what she really believed and who was truly Lord of her life. The end result was a break up, which I imagined would be temporary. That was in 1995.

The real person showed up after the separation. I have to say that it was incredibly difficult, especially with the kids, but also a relief. Divorce is a mess. It's expensive, emotionally draining and the kids suffer. However, there are times when it is the lesser of two evils.

Ask the Lord for wisdom. He is able to make a way out of impossible situations. Ideally, of course, your husband will realise his part in the issues. For sure I had to acknowledge where I went wrong. If he will and if he is willing to change, God will effect the change.

I'd still recommend Mark Gungor for both of you. I've seen a few of his presentations and they've blessed me. I'm not in a relationship or looking very hard. I have a better understanding of what makes women tick, and why I react the way I do at times. I said to a close female friend, "I bought you a GPS and you still can't get to the point!" Typical male.

Married couples are called to live in peace. It is not your job to hold the marriage together. Ask God to cause His will to come to pass.
 

EmilyNats

Senior Member
Jul 28, 2016
1,374
204
63
#8
I'm going to say this even though it's a little late for it, not for your sake but for the sake of anyone else reading that is not married yet. But someone who is controlling before marriage will be controlling after marriage. Do NOT put up with anything before marriage that you are not willing to put up with afterward.

I am not going to tell you what I would do, because honestly it probably isn't biblical. I will say though that I would not be sure if he is actually saved if I were you, and certainly would not advertise that he is.
 

EssBee

New member
Nov 26, 2021
5
1
3
#9
I'm going to say this even though it's a little late for it, not for your sake but for the sake of anyone else reading that is not married yet. But someone who is controlling before marriage will be controlling after marriage. Do NOT put up with anything before marriage that you are not willing to put up with afterward.

I am not going to tell you what I would do, because honestly it probably isn't biblical. I will say though that I would not be sure if he is actually saved if I were you, and certainly would not advertise that he is.
Hi Emily,

Thank you for posting. I hear exactly what you're saying. It's one of those things where it happens slowly, ya know? You see the issues, the red flags, and everythng inside is telling you STOP, but you go headfirst because the words are JUST kind enough, just sweet enough to give you hope.

Remember us in your prayers. I feel like I'm breaking and that I can't hold on much longer. Husband IS home and he is TRYING to talk nice. But he isn't at all interested in owning anything. He keeps saying, over and over, "No. I'm hurt. All you do is yell at me and tell me how bad I am. I don't want you telling me that anymore. And when I ask you to do something, just do it." I know that the controlling nature in him is winning the battle right now. He's trying to redefine and create boundaries, which obviously I cannot live within. I believe in submission, but not control.

I feel sick, so much anxiety. Because I know my house isn't right. I know I'm expendable. His son, his parents, his sisters... they are his real family. I'm just a wife and even though he SAYS that means something, his actions have never confirmed that. Just like he keeps saying, "I love you, but obviously it's not enough. My love is never enough, so I don't think I can please you." I'm so lost in responding to that - so, so lost. He's very much a sayer, not a doer. And I'm dealing with powerful projection. It's almost crazy.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. My husband has done this many, many times in the past. And he has always come back from it, apologized, made promises. But he's holding out this time. And when he's in this dark place, he basically says that all of his apologies from the past were basically maniulations on my part.

Suffice it to say I cannot live this way. I know God wouldn't support me divorcing. But staying in this, unless it drastically changes, just means that I will be controlled without a voice, like in a prison. If I do something irksome, my husband will leave and say it was to keep his mental health safe.

Please just pray for us. When I was at Bible study this week, we were in Daniel, reading about the spiritual warfare, how Daniel continued to pray and that God heard his prayers immediately but that things were going on in the heavenlies. I fail, I guess, in just praying, keeping myself humble, keeping my mouth shut. I could do it for other human beings. But since I know that this is a very powerful, psychological control issue, I almost feel like I'm feeding the thing when I just sit in my room and cry. I'm sure I'm doing it all wrong. If I focused on my love for this man, I'd be more confident perhaps. Stronger in the Lord.

But I'm defeated. Very down. This was my first Thanksgiving without my grandma, my spiritual mother. She was... everything to me. The week before she died, my husband promised her that he would ALWAYS take care of me. She knew the things that I struggled with and I guess she talked to him - while she was in the hospital, he told me about their conversation. I put no faith in it, of course.

I won't make it without the Lord. I can face almost anything in this world, but being divided inside... thank you all for your prayers.
 
Mar 12, 2021
21
9
3
49
Birmingham, AL
#10
Hello all, a pastor needs to be involved.
1. He along with So Many men never learned the point of submission in the Bible is to "submit yourselves one to another (not just the wife to the husband)", Ephesians 5: 21. Most people are not trained to discuss everything needed and make the right checks before getting married, like this one (about submission). Control is to be mutual. Most men are not capable of making all the right decisions because they are not comprehensive as women are. Men controlling women was a curse just like labor pain. Both curses are now lifted.

2. If you cannot bear him then God has no problem with you separating that is not divorce. Let your husband back in as good as he does. Or live with him and let him know you two will not talk unless it is necessary but will talk more or less based on how well he has changed.

2. He needs to take time out to work on his offensive thinking and actions. He needs to write down and go over "Do not ...", "When ... do ..." ....
 
Dec 30, 2020
868
226
43
#11
Hi Emily,

Thank you for posting. I hear exactly what you're saying. It's one of those things where it happens slowly, ya know? You see the issues, the red flags, and everythng inside is telling you STOP, but you go headfirst because the words are JUST kind enough, just sweet enough to give you hope.

Remember us in your prayers. I feel like I'm breaking and that I can't hold on much longer. Husband IS home and he is TRYING to talk nice. But he isn't at all interested in owning anything. He keeps saying, over and over, "No. I'm hurt. All you do is yell at me and tell me how bad I am. I don't want you telling me that anymore. And when I ask you to do something, just do it." I know that the controlling nature in him is winning the battle right now. He's trying to redefine and create boundaries, which obviously I cannot live within. I believe in submission, but not control.

I feel sick, so much anxiety. Because I know my house isn't right. I know I'm expendable. His son, his parents, his sisters... they are his real family. I'm just a wife and even though he SAYS that means something, his actions have never confirmed that. Just like he keeps saying, "I love you, but obviously it's not enough. My love is never enough, so I don't think I can please you." I'm so lost in responding to that - so, so lost. He's very much a sayer, not a doer. And I'm dealing with powerful projection. It's almost crazy.

I feel like I'm at a crossroads. My husband has done this many, many times in the past. And he has always come back from it, apologized, made promises. But he's holding out this time. And when he's in this dark place, he basically says that all of his apologies from the past were basically maniulations on my part.

Suffice it to say I cannot live this way. I know God wouldn't support me divorcing. But staying in this, unless it drastically changes, just means that I will be controlled without a voice, like in a prison. If I do something irksome, my husband will leave and say it was to keep his mental health safe.

Please just pray for us. When I was at Bible study this week, we were in Daniel, reading about the spiritual warfare, how Daniel continued to pray and that God heard his prayers immediately but that things were going on in the heavenlies. I fail, I guess, in just praying, keeping myself humble, keeping my mouth shut. I could do it for other human beings. But since I know that this is a very powerful, psychological control issue, I almost feel like I'm feeding the thing when I just sit in my room and cry. I'm sure I'm doing it all wrong. If I focused on my love for this man, I'd be more confident perhaps. Stronger in the Lord.

But I'm defeated. Very down. This was my first Thanksgiving without my grandma, my spiritual mother. She was... everything to me. The week before she died, my husband promised her that he would ALWAYS take care of me. She knew the things that I struggled with and I guess she talked to him - while she was in the hospital, he told me about their conversation. I put no faith in it, of course.

I won't make it without the Lord. I can face almost anything in this world, but being divided inside... thank you all for your prayers.
I suspect that you made the same mistake a lot of young people make when first meeting with their mate and that is being subserviant and putting their mate on a pedestal. The mate then is looking down at you and you have lost his respect. You are the hunter and he is the prize. He is needed and you are not. You just can't sit there waiting for something to happen. You still have control over your own life. He knows that you won't leave him so he does what he wants.
What you need to do is have him respect you and you become the prize and he the hunter. Live your life with indifference to his ravings and rants. Have friends and relatives that respect you come over to visit. He needs to see that people respect you for who you are even though he doesn't. Show him that you don't need him. By the way, do you have kids? Also, please let me know if I'm way off base or I've hit the nail on the head.
 

Aaron56

Well-known member
Jul 12, 2021
2,404
1,360
113
#12
Control is to be mutual.
Perhaps it is just the limits of a forum but I wanted to address this.

In the Kingdom controlling others is never part of submitting, no matter the arrangement.