S
Shadowwolg
Guest
ya know, when i was typing the other posts, i realized that there was not one event or method that i say that worked.... what worked is that during the whole progress, i did put effort but more then that.. God was involved... what worked was consistently working on it, other wards.. keeping on, keeping on... keep fighting,,,... and i often struggle with that....talking with others that are safe, my progress has not been quick, in fact its has been very slow for me... bc i still deal with depression and whatnot... but the progress is there... what has worked has been going to the heart of the issue..my cause is that i struggle with being alone, not belonging to anyone, and my dream was to be married and have children. i have neither. so to my engaging , since i associated intimacy with sex, was my way of trying to fullfill a need of mine, without having to reach out to others.... i fear intimate relationships, so i now am working on reaching out and building a safe group of people that i can trust and share with........ letting God work through the cause of the addiction and not just the symptoms... just don't work on the symptoms..... what has worked for me is that now, I don't have to have a plan of action like go do this or go do that as much as before but in time, i have been able to re think , i can think through the desire of giving in and see the destruction... know that the temptation will pass, know that if i give in, i will struggle with the suicidal thoughts on a more serious level... not to say that i won't ever give in... bc ... i may ... but knowing that the cause and effect helps deter me.. I am been taught how to think positive, to see myself as worthy to fight for... what is working for me is that I have learned to trust and believe in God again that everything will be ok, and that i belong to God.... having that ability to trust, has opened up an avenue of believing that there can be victory, is victory, that this addiction does not need to have a hold on me... when i started actually believing this and not just hearing this, (which just happened this past february), there was a sense of hope and power that i can , will overcome this....... now, i say this,and it all sounds sooo churchy to me, but please hear my fears... i am afraid of falling, it has been 14 weeks since i gave in... my fear is if or when i give in, i will not be able to think straight and my depression will kick in and the suicide thoughts will take over... this has been the longest i have ever gone since my addiction started.... i still have many days when temptation is very strong... just today while taking a nap bc of not feeling well, i was tempted many times..last monday, i was very tired and could tell i was feeling not that strong, i posted about needing encouragement bc i was feeling discouraged... some days , i feel very hopeful, other days ...well, not so hopeful... but the constant thing i have to keep reminding myself is that i am worthy of the fight, God is with me all the way, and never stop fighting..never... and always remember that God loves me..will i ever be free from this addiction.... i believe so... will it be this year that i break free... that i don't know...... sometimes i fear the freedom, bc what will i need to work on next, i am so used to viewing myself as shameful and not worthy, there is comfort in that, bc its what i know... i never had complete freedom from this.... but breaking free from this bondage or any bondage of sin, is hard work... it takes courage, it takes time, ....boy do i wish God would just zap me and bam... i am clean and pure, but healing often takes time and a lot of energy... since i do struggle with building close relationships, i do use this site to often voice my thoughts, .... overcoming and healing takes more than oneself to overcome..... The other counseling session i had told my counselor that if i had never gotten into engaging , i probably would have never gotten into counseling... she had this look, and she said... that is scary... bc my core issue is depression, suicidal thoughts, and that i fear close, intimate relationships yet i long to belong to someone..i fear loneliness.. so sometimes i wonder if God allowed this in my life, not to say He encouraged it, but allowed it , to get me to counseling so that i would work on the core issues... so if anyone is reading this.. what i hope to encourage you... find safe people to talk to.... learn to love yourself and say that you are worthy to fight for a healthier life with God, keep fighting, keep going to God...if at any time you need to voice out your thoughts.... feel free to use the group or message me... .. thanks Bro..... for encouraging me to share my thoughts... its not what i thought i would write... i thought it would be more of the books and such that we had gone through... and my earlier post on the group that i belong to ... i wrote about the books.. but every person has their unique set of methods and tools that they use to overcome... but i can guarantee that there are not many if any, that can say, they overcame addiction alone , by themselves and without God...be encouraged that God loves you.. and there is/will be victory