O
onionslaughter
Guest
I want to share with all of you about the struggles I've been going these past four years of being homeschooled, my life in general and who and what changed everything. I am going to be totally
honest.
As you may know,I grew up going to church, attended a private Christian school for six years, went to the Christian summer camps, did the whole thing. I believed I was saved, and I believed
God heard my prayers. However, during this whole time I was totally blind to who God was. I could answer all the questions on the Bible tests, but my heart was full of pride. I was the biggest
Pharisaical (yeah, it's probably not a word) toddler you could ever see! I remember one Sunday morning when I was three or four years old looking out the kitchen door at my neighbor's
house and thinking to myself, "Our family is so good, we go to church on Sundays." *cough* self-righteous toddler *cough*. Even if you're disgusted, keep reading.
I grew up hating people ( I won't name names) who abused me verbally and physically, and hurt my feelings. Eventually I got used to having my feelings hurt, and kept my feelings inside.
Living at my house was a mess. When I was twelve or thirteen, I realized that what I was growing up in was not a Godly enviroment. Most of the self-righteousness went away at that point, and
I kept wondering where God was, if he was real, if I was saved...I couldn't understand how people who professed to be Christians could possibly hurt me like that.
For a long time I was depressed, especially when my parent's marital issues got really bad. My grades started suffering, and (one very Godly teacher who loved me a lot and could see my potential
not only academically but spiritually and physically) noticed my gloom. I thought I was cursed and doomed to go to hell because I couldn't feel God listening, I couldn't see him working in my
home life, I couldn't see him working at all! I was spiritually blind, and I was angry. I kept up my hypocritical lifestyle, going to church, going to a Christian homeschool group when I started high
school. I was really, really angry that my mom wouldn't let me go to public school and made me do homeschooling. During this time I started experimenting with sin
(hey, if I'm doomed to go to hell, might as well do it thoroughly! I thought) with pornography and masturbation. I think masturbation was invented by the devil for angry rebellious
hypocritical teenagers who were stuck in Christian homes and forced to go to church. Masturbation kept me wallowing in guilt, but not my anger and bitterness for people. For some reason
I thought I was justified in my anger because I was hurt, although I know now that I wasn't. I started to fear hell, and I tried to stop raping myself but I couldn't do it with my own strength, I
prayed to him but he didn't help me. Then I realized how dumb I was and how sinful I was. I couldn't stand my hypocritical self, and I couldn't stand that all these Christ-following people had so
much joy that I never had. I couldn't stand that I was an absolute slave to sin! Whether it showed itself or not, it was certainly there! I was totally miserable. My loneliness and shame
showed in my relationships. I was like the strange woman described in Proverbs, my steps went down to hell, my life was inconsistent, I had no set of morals, just whatever got me where I wanted to
be. I was proud of my flesh, my grades, my talents, how many guys I could attract (and if you were one of those boys that got caught up in that, I apologize with all of my heart, forgive me!)
I said to myself, "I prayed to God to give me salvation, when is he going to start working in me? Why am I still addicted to porn? Why am I still failing?" In all that time, what Jesus did on the cross
never broke my heart. I saw it as a tool for getting to heaven. Of all my sins, this was probably the worst of all! And it was the very reason why I didn't feel God's love. All my life, I skipped over
his suffering, and disregarded it. I decided to do some honest soul searching, and I wanted the TRUTH. I wanted to know if the Bible was bologna, or if there was power in it's words, and if it really
happened. After all, what made all those pastors and missionaries and Sunday school teachers tick anyway? I started reading the Bible with an open mind a couple months ago.
When I really got into the Gospels, and earnestly read about what happened on the cross, it broke my heart. When I thought of what Jesus had done, what physical and spiritual torments he
went through, spiritually battling Satan himself!!! In a human body!!! That still astounds me! - I understood that he is not a character in a book, he is not a character in a movie, he was REAL.
His spiritual fight on the cross moves me the most, that he gave up the spiritual communion he had always had with God, his father. I asked myself, "Why would he do this for me?"
*cough* insert John 3:16 here...All he wanted was for me love him of my own accord and accept his forgiveness and love. He wanted me (along with all of you people reading!) to spend eternity
with him. When he broke my heart, I died in my heart and I died in my flesh. I cried and cried and cried (and I still cry!) because for the first time in my life I could feel God's love, and I could see how
much my selfishness and my blindness hurt him. In every single book of the Bible, I see God's love. When I wake up I can feel God's love. I can now not only forgive those people who hurt me,
but I am able to LOVE them!!! It's amazing what God's love does!!! He totally transformed me! I have no desire whatsoever to return to my old life of sin! Now I know what being born again really
means, because my sad, angry, bitter self seems like a different person or a bad dream. It wasn't because of anything I did, it was because my heart was changed by God himself, his spirit
came and punched me in the heart until it totally broke. You can pray and pray a salvation prayer, but if your heart is not into it, and you don't really BELIEVE in what Jesus did for you, and
if you're still a slave to sin like I was, you're probably not saved. I know I wasn't.
But NOW!!!
You have no idea how much love is spilling out of me...NO IDEA. And for these past couple months God has never stopped blessing me, he has never stopped answering my prayers, he has never
stopped giving me peace and strength when I ask him. Every day I have been hungry for the God's Word, and I'm NEVER NOT BLESSED when I read it. (Yes, I just used a nigahiga term)
I see people how God sees them, and it breaks my heart because I know they're hurting, and I know that God loves them all. In every trial, God takes the fear right out of me. For instance, after
this miraculous change, I KNOW Satan went after my mind. He knew that I was terribly afraid of horror movies, and demonic images. I was tormented at night by disgusting, totally demonic faces
and images in my head. I asked my grandma to pray for me, my mom prayed for me, but when I realized that I could not be hurt by those images, that I am going to heaven no matter what, that
God loves me and is bigger than any demon that could taunt me, the fear went away. I started mentally playing fruit ninjas in my brain, in my mind's eye I was cutting the demonic images in half
and watching them fall apart and dissapear. If there was a really scary looking one I slashed at it like it was a pomegranate. It was amusing, but I guess he realized his efforts were useless and he
hasn't played around with brain since.
I am telling you, God is walking with me! I know he's here, everywhere but most importantly to me he is in my heart! God gets the glory for every victory in my life, for my talents, for my recent
changes. TO GOD BE THE GLORY. I'm not writing this because I want attention, in fact my heart is banging against my rib cage right now. But right now, God's love is the ONLY thing I can boast in,
without it I am NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. And his miracles in my life deserved to be shared, because he deserves my praise, always and forever! So if you were wondering why I'm a little
different in worship service, it's because now I actually mean what I sing. If my actions seem different, it's because I'm walking out my faith. This is one of my favorite parts of Scripture:
Lam 3:19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
Lam 3:20 My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
Lam 3:21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
Lam 3:22 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Lam 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
Lam 3:27 It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
I'm going to keep "bearing the yoke in my youth" even though it's slightly scary to know what some of you will think of me. My siblings are making fun of me. Now I know what Jesus meant
when he said:
Mat 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Mat 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Mat 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
But anyway, I'm praying for all of you, and I love you, all of you, with all my heart.
It's something I couldn't do before, but I now it just flows out. I want so desperately for all of you to know the peace and joy
I feel! My miserable life was worth it because it gave me the desire to seek after God. (Now, I am not asking you to go out and find ways to be miserable, I am asking
that you look for God, and the truth! Btw they're the same thing)
LOVE LOVE LOVE to all of you, especially all my new brothers and sisters, young people and old farts in Christ, MUAH!!! KEEP WALKING WITH HIM! DON'T EVER FORGET HIM!
And don't stop praying! Don't ever let anyone tell you it's useless! God loves us too much not to listen! He is the daddy I never had, who listens no matter what and judges with lovingkindness,
and forgives anyway. I'm sorry this is so long, but I had to tell the whole story. I can't keep it inside, it's too beautiful and miraculous, even in my frantic and hastily written prosaic writing.
God is the biggest and realest thing in life, even if he can't be seen. Believe it! I'm his witness!
honest.
As you may know,I grew up going to church, attended a private Christian school for six years, went to the Christian summer camps, did the whole thing. I believed I was saved, and I believed
God heard my prayers. However, during this whole time I was totally blind to who God was. I could answer all the questions on the Bible tests, but my heart was full of pride. I was the biggest
Pharisaical (yeah, it's probably not a word) toddler you could ever see! I remember one Sunday morning when I was three or four years old looking out the kitchen door at my neighbor's
house and thinking to myself, "Our family is so good, we go to church on Sundays." *cough* self-righteous toddler *cough*. Even if you're disgusted, keep reading.
I grew up hating people ( I won't name names) who abused me verbally and physically, and hurt my feelings. Eventually I got used to having my feelings hurt, and kept my feelings inside.
Living at my house was a mess. When I was twelve or thirteen, I realized that what I was growing up in was not a Godly enviroment. Most of the self-righteousness went away at that point, and
I kept wondering where God was, if he was real, if I was saved...I couldn't understand how people who professed to be Christians could possibly hurt me like that.
For a long time I was depressed, especially when my parent's marital issues got really bad. My grades started suffering, and (one very Godly teacher who loved me a lot and could see my potential
not only academically but spiritually and physically) noticed my gloom. I thought I was cursed and doomed to go to hell because I couldn't feel God listening, I couldn't see him working in my
home life, I couldn't see him working at all! I was spiritually blind, and I was angry. I kept up my hypocritical lifestyle, going to church, going to a Christian homeschool group when I started high
school. I was really, really angry that my mom wouldn't let me go to public school and made me do homeschooling. During this time I started experimenting with sin
(hey, if I'm doomed to go to hell, might as well do it thoroughly! I thought) with pornography and masturbation. I think masturbation was invented by the devil for angry rebellious
hypocritical teenagers who were stuck in Christian homes and forced to go to church. Masturbation kept me wallowing in guilt, but not my anger and bitterness for people. For some reason
I thought I was justified in my anger because I was hurt, although I know now that I wasn't. I started to fear hell, and I tried to stop raping myself but I couldn't do it with my own strength, I
prayed to him but he didn't help me. Then I realized how dumb I was and how sinful I was. I couldn't stand my hypocritical self, and I couldn't stand that all these Christ-following people had so
much joy that I never had. I couldn't stand that I was an absolute slave to sin! Whether it showed itself or not, it was certainly there! I was totally miserable. My loneliness and shame
showed in my relationships. I was like the strange woman described in Proverbs, my steps went down to hell, my life was inconsistent, I had no set of morals, just whatever got me where I wanted to
be. I was proud of my flesh, my grades, my talents, how many guys I could attract (and if you were one of those boys that got caught up in that, I apologize with all of my heart, forgive me!)
I said to myself, "I prayed to God to give me salvation, when is he going to start working in me? Why am I still addicted to porn? Why am I still failing?" In all that time, what Jesus did on the cross
never broke my heart. I saw it as a tool for getting to heaven. Of all my sins, this was probably the worst of all! And it was the very reason why I didn't feel God's love. All my life, I skipped over
his suffering, and disregarded it. I decided to do some honest soul searching, and I wanted the TRUTH. I wanted to know if the Bible was bologna, or if there was power in it's words, and if it really
happened. After all, what made all those pastors and missionaries and Sunday school teachers tick anyway? I started reading the Bible with an open mind a couple months ago.
When I really got into the Gospels, and earnestly read about what happened on the cross, it broke my heart. When I thought of what Jesus had done, what physical and spiritual torments he
went through, spiritually battling Satan himself!!! In a human body!!! That still astounds me! - I understood that he is not a character in a book, he is not a character in a movie, he was REAL.
His spiritual fight on the cross moves me the most, that he gave up the spiritual communion he had always had with God, his father. I asked myself, "Why would he do this for me?"
*cough* insert John 3:16 here...All he wanted was for me love him of my own accord and accept his forgiveness and love. He wanted me (along with all of you people reading!) to spend eternity
with him. When he broke my heart, I died in my heart and I died in my flesh. I cried and cried and cried (and I still cry!) because for the first time in my life I could feel God's love, and I could see how
much my selfishness and my blindness hurt him. In every single book of the Bible, I see God's love. When I wake up I can feel God's love. I can now not only forgive those people who hurt me,
but I am able to LOVE them!!! It's amazing what God's love does!!! He totally transformed me! I have no desire whatsoever to return to my old life of sin! Now I know what being born again really
means, because my sad, angry, bitter self seems like a different person or a bad dream. It wasn't because of anything I did, it was because my heart was changed by God himself, his spirit
came and punched me in the heart until it totally broke. You can pray and pray a salvation prayer, but if your heart is not into it, and you don't really BELIEVE in what Jesus did for you, and
if you're still a slave to sin like I was, you're probably not saved. I know I wasn't.
But NOW!!!
You have no idea how much love is spilling out of me...NO IDEA. And for these past couple months God has never stopped blessing me, he has never stopped answering my prayers, he has never
stopped giving me peace and strength when I ask him. Every day I have been hungry for the God's Word, and I'm NEVER NOT BLESSED when I read it. (Yes, I just used a nigahiga term)
I see people how God sees them, and it breaks my heart because I know they're hurting, and I know that God loves them all. In every trial, God takes the fear right out of me. For instance, after
this miraculous change, I KNOW Satan went after my mind. He knew that I was terribly afraid of horror movies, and demonic images. I was tormented at night by disgusting, totally demonic faces
and images in my head. I asked my grandma to pray for me, my mom prayed for me, but when I realized that I could not be hurt by those images, that I am going to heaven no matter what, that
God loves me and is bigger than any demon that could taunt me, the fear went away. I started mentally playing fruit ninjas in my brain, in my mind's eye I was cutting the demonic images in half
and watching them fall apart and dissapear. If there was a really scary looking one I slashed at it like it was a pomegranate. It was amusing, but I guess he realized his efforts were useless and he
hasn't played around with brain since.
I am telling you, God is walking with me! I know he's here, everywhere but most importantly to me he is in my heart! God gets the glory for every victory in my life, for my talents, for my recent
changes. TO GOD BE THE GLORY. I'm not writing this because I want attention, in fact my heart is banging against my rib cage right now. But right now, God's love is the ONLY thing I can boast in,
without it I am NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. And his miracles in my life deserved to be shared, because he deserves my praise, always and forever! So if you were wondering why I'm a little
different in worship service, it's because now I actually mean what I sing. If my actions seem different, it's because I'm walking out my faith. This is one of my favorite parts of Scripture:
Lam 3:19 Remembering mine affliction and my misery, the wormwood and the gall.
Lam 3:20 My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me.
Lam 3:21 This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope.
Lam 3:22 It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
Lam 3:23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lam 3:24 The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
Lam 3:25 The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
Lam 3:26 It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.
Lam 3:27 It is good for a man that he bear the yoke in his youth.
I'm going to keep "bearing the yoke in my youth" even though it's slightly scary to know what some of you will think of me. My siblings are making fun of me. Now I know what Jesus meant
when he said:
Mat 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Mat 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Mat 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
But anyway, I'm praying for all of you, and I love you, all of you, with all my heart.
It's something I couldn't do before, but I now it just flows out. I want so desperately for all of you to know the peace and joy
I feel! My miserable life was worth it because it gave me the desire to seek after God. (Now, I am not asking you to go out and find ways to be miserable, I am asking
that you look for God, and the truth! Btw they're the same thing)
LOVE LOVE LOVE to all of you, especially all my new brothers and sisters, young people and old farts in Christ, MUAH!!! KEEP WALKING WITH HIM! DON'T EVER FORGET HIM!
And don't stop praying! Don't ever let anyone tell you it's useless! God loves us too much not to listen! He is the daddy I never had, who listens no matter what and judges with lovingkindness,
and forgives anyway. I'm sorry this is so long, but I had to tell the whole story. I can't keep it inside, it's too beautiful and miraculous, even in my frantic and hastily written prosaic writing.
God is the biggest and realest thing in life, even if he can't be seen. Believe it! I'm his witness!
