My Relationship Dilemma

[Porthos]

I want to ask for some advice from anyone who has a lot of experience of life, preferably the more negative aspects, and who has come out the other end and made it in some ways; be it a successful marriage, or a happy career, or just someone who has had a rough life and has changed it around.

So a little about me first.

I've always been a deep thinker, I'm creative and I write music and stories and play guitar and drums and piano and I sing and I write songs and I read, I cook a lot and I've been a chef and a painter, I have a lot of skills. I love social settings and people who make me think, who are articulate and can challenge my views and give me something to think about. I spend a lot of time just pondering life, the dynamics of society and how people interact and I'm also quite a good-looking guy, I study hard and I work hard. I don't earn much money at the minute, though I eventually aspire to earn a reasonable wage. I can be quite unmotivated at times but at others I can also be really charged up and ready to go, I suppose a bit like everyone.

But I have a few really deep wounds that I can't seem to get over and I've just really lost my confidence and my faith in humanity. I used to be such an optimist but I've become I suppose, a little bitter and cynical the last few months because of some things that have happened to me and I just can't come to trust people. I'm bored and tired of the world.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me and she said it was just because she wanted to be single and live the single life, but I just can't help thinking that it was because I am inadequate as a person and as a partner.

My father left when I was a young kid and he used to cancel plans on me all the time and I always felt unwanted that way. My mother and step-father are really quite nasty at times, I always find myself feeling very put-down and I've really developed the 'I'm a loser' mentality over the past few years. I honestly can't remember the last time I woke up and I thought 'I'm an adequate human being'. My sisters are very spiteful and always shouting and arguing and my other family members don't really bother with me anymore.

It's just really hard to figure out why people; girlfriends, friends, my family, have all seemed to be so irreverent and dismissive and really quite hurtful to me over the years.

I hold things against myself that happened years ago, childhood mistakes and cringy moments and little lies I told and things that have long since passed. I just can't seem to ever feel proud of myself or to feel satisfied with who I am, I'm always like 'One day I'll be good enough'.

I was bullied in school and I also had a really tough time with mental illness and depression and I was only 16 but my parents expected me to be out, getting a job and going to college and I just couldn't handle it. They would be nasty about it and i was always hearing words like 'lazy' and things.

I'm 23 now and I'm studying hard and trying my best to progress as a human being.

I just want to tell my story really and have someone listen without all the put downs, but also I want to ask some advice on how I can have maybe a successful marriage and be happy because I really feel quite miserable but I have to put on a show for everyone else.

 

[maxwel]

Hey Porthos,

I'm no fountain of wisdom, but I'll share a few things I"m thinking.

1. When a girl leaves you, she obviously wasn't the "right" girl for you. If she had been the right girl, that God had planned for you, then she wouldn't have left. That means God has someone better for you, someone that is a much better fit. I know it still hurts, but keep reminding yourself that she wasn't the girl God had planned for you, and that God has someone better in mind.

2. Nobody has a perfect family. Some are a lot less messed up than yours, and some are probably a lot worse. We don't choose any of these things. But we can "trust" that God has some kind of plan for us, even if things hurt. Maybe the hard things you've had to deal with are to make you wiser and stronger. Maybe all of those hard lessons and trials are necessary to minister to the wife God will send you one day. Things in life hurt, but God always has some kind of plan for us.

3. Instead of focusing so much on a wife, it might be better to focus on your spiritual growth, and also on your education and work. Try focusing on being the kind of man you want your wife to have... then when it's time, God will bring her.

I don't have answers to every thing you feel, or every hurt you have... but we all share a world that is full of hurts... and we all know how that feels. That is something we all share, and we all understand. And many people here can tell you how they've dealt with some of the same hurts.

 

[Porthos]

Hey Porthos,

I'm no fountain of wisdom, but I'll share a few things I"m thinking.

1. When a girl leaves you, she obviously wasn't the "right" girl for you. If she had been the right girl, that God had planned for you, then she wouldn't have left. That means God has someone better for you, someone that is a much better fit. I know it still hurts, but keep reminding yourself that she wasn't the girl God had planned for you, and that God has someone better in mind.

2. Nobody has a perfect family. Some are a lot less messed up than yours, and some are probably a lot worse. We don't choose any of these things. But we can "trust" that God has some kind of plan for us, even if things hurt. Maybe the hard things you've had to deal with are to make you wiser and stronger. Maybe all of those hard lessons and trials are necessary to minister to the wife God will send you one day. Things in life hurt, but God always has some kind of plan for us.

3. Instead of focusing so much on a wife, it might be better to focus on your spiritual growth, and also on your education and work. Try focusing on being the kind of man you want your wife to have... then when it's time, God will bring her.

I don't have answers to every thing you feel, or every hurt you have... but we all share a world that is full of hurts... and we all know how that feels. That is something we all share, and we all understand. And many people here can tell you how they've dealt with some of the same hurts.

Thank you for your response. And I understand what you're saying.

I'm not really focusing on a wife per se, perhaps the title threw you, I meant more 'relationships' in general; family and friends and partners, and I know that it isn't all bad. I do believe there are some good people out there, it's just that many of the ones who have entered into my life have not been that kind, and I find myself not necessarily thinking 'they are bad people', but more like 'I am not worthy of good treatment', or more accurately, 'perhaps I am worthy of good treatment, but it seems that it is not something people want to give me'. Do you know what I mean?

I do find myself thinking 'then I need to be a better person'. And that's one part of me speaking. The other parts of me say 'Why should you have to work so hard just to attain acceptance? can't you be just what you are and in doing so, be enough for people?' and other parts are cynical, saying 'people, and society, are just mean and horrible'.

I appreciate you taking the time to write back, I wasn't sure anyone would. Thank you.

 

[kenisyes]

You sound like a checklist of me when I was your age. I had a long post here, but I am pm'ing it to you instead. It's real, it's honest, and it what worked for me. The summary: God must open the doors, and He will.

 

[Ariel82]

just be yourself. Be someone GOD will be proud of.

You can't make everyone in the world happy and sometimes others are just mean and selfish. The important part is to know what GOD thinks of you.

HE sees through whatever mask you try and pretend to be. He wants you to be YOU and if God says YOU are good enough to love, then why listen to anyone else?

Stop putting yourself down. It is good to want to be a better person, but your motives are wrong. You do it because its the right thing to do, not to win the love of other people. You already have God's love. you don't have to work or earn it.

I would listen to this one "'Why should you have to work so hard just to attain acceptance? can't you be just what you are and in doing so, be enough for people?'"

the best way to make a friend is to be a friend.

lol I tend to make friends with people I have things in common with: one of which is the need of acceptance and love even if we decide to do something totally goofy and silly.

 

[RedTent]

You ask for how people have come through such things. I have made it through to happiness.

I was given to someone who didn’t want me when I was 6 months old because a doctor told my mother she had TB and if she touched me I would get it. Going from loving warmth to coldness was so awful I still remember it. I was six when my Mom had to take me back, and she didn’t want me at all by then. She told me she would accept me if I changed,never told me what I was to change, just to change.

My Aunts were angry that Mom didn’t give me to them to raise, so when they met me it was only to point out I had been ruined and was unacceptable. They even came to live with us, never letting anything go by that wasn’t proof that I was unacceptable.

I spent most of my life trying to shape myself up, sure that I truly was unacceptable like I was told. I got by, sort of limping through life. I had looks, intellect,and abilities but too much fear to make full use of them. I was sixty when I took my Mom in my home to make her last days comfortable. She died in my home, and that night the last words she spoke to me was “you will have to change if you are going to make it”.

I knew that God created me, that each person is unique and has their own talents. That no one, even a parent, has the right to say that what God gave is wrong. It was a conviction that came slowly. When it finally came to me full force, I went on a backpack trip all alone on a trail no one used. I could shout. I had it out with those people who said God didn’t create me right, even my Mother, even though Mom was dead. I told them exactly what their judgments amounted to, and how wrong they were too judge and not support. And I let myself know, too, what a fool I was to be taken in by their judgments and not follow my God. It came awfully late in my life, but it was like being born a different person. Like the day I was given the Holy Spirit, I was free and could live.

 

[Lavenda]

It is hard to comprehend. But people are toxic and God has them in our lives for a purpose. God can heal your broken heart and fill it with love. that is the only way for you to get out of the insanity of your mind.

God is the only one who matters now -- Have Him heal your wounded heart and refuse to believe the lies that are being spoken in your mind. You are in a battle and You must win this over your thoughts.

 

[santuzza]

I agree a great deal with what Maxwel said -- especially point #3. Put your focus on your future, not your past. Scripture says "No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." (Luke 9:62) Looking to the past does nothing good for you. There's an old saying, "When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future!" Re-hashing the past, going over your past mistakes or wrongs, keeps you in the past. Move on.

I also think that it is important to build strong Christian friendships, so get involved with your church. Serve in the music ministry! Join the singles group if you have one. Join the Christian fellowship at your school.

You can't change your past. You can't change your family. All you can do is allow the Holy Spirit to change you. Focus on that.

God bless you!

 

[sandtigeress]

I do know your feelings.

It is good to know god created us, and even when people fail to stay with us,
he will always be there.

I had a loving relationship of 13 years, untill he wanted to leave.
But when I looked, I thing I thought first, was not that I made the relationship
happen for so long, but that finally my inability to hold people caught up with me.

Don't let that happen. The lord sends us on our way.
And the way is a way that is constistent with the good gifts we were given.
And we have a lot of them, even if the people we love can't give back,
what we would like to have from them.

 

[homwardbound]

You are in a great position brother whether you see it or not, I am hoping you do.
You see there is no one here in this world that anyone can 100% allthe time trust, which is what I hear you wanting is to connect and be content.
I personally have had my share of troubles as well, my sister died at 18 when i was 14, my dad at 63 when I was 17, marriage at 18 that ended badly. service at discharged for medical reasons, brother at 33 when I was 21, had a tire machine blow up in face in 1978, knocked out my teeth and many other tragic events
I finally learned one day that no matter what others think and or say because the verse below is a fact
Ephesians 1:6To the praise of the glory of his grace, wherein he hath made us accepted in the beloved.

Since you are accepted in Christ, therefore ther is no one that can ever take tihs way
And secondly brother I learned the next verse to understand that no matter what trouble is here in this world, but we do not need to fear because
John 16:33These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world
Love you Brother and things just do not go as we plan or want them to we are in a spiritual warefore where the enemy uses our emotions to trip us up. reality Brother is reality and the sooner we can face that the sooner we can face reality we live above our circunstances and are content in all things as Paul so well showed us in the writings penned by him through his trust in the living God
Romans 8:39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

And today Brother I am still in a straight betwixt and have been disabled recently out of major surgery that I was supposed to die, and did not here, I am keeping the Faith and would have been glad to be home in Heaven but God has his purpose for me here and I trust this, do not understand it, but trust it. I look for whatever I can learn in humility

 

[mylordgod]

Jeremiah 29:11 God has a perfect plan for you. Do not be discouraged or dismayed. He is our creator and he cares for You.. No human can be like Him. Everyone will hurt you, break you..but God will never leave you or forsake you. He is always by your side. Trust Him at all times.