Below is my testimony in the form of a letter. Soon after my eyes were open to the Lord's salvation and I accepted it myself I began to write papers with my experiences. All of the papers were Christian-themed. About a year later, my uncle, who lives up in Oregon, got to chatting with me and I brought up some of my writings. He expressed interest in reading them so I bundled them up and mailed them up to him, but with them I also wrote him a letter as to why I began writing and the experience I had that lead me to it. It's pretty long so I don't blame you if you don't want to read something so long and I thank you for those that take the time to do so. I hope you are blessed by it and find encouragement through it. God Bless to all!
“Hey Uncle Sonny, I hope everything is going okay for you. Thanks for expressing interest in my stuff. I’m very excited to have you read it and to hear your thoughts. I hope you enjoy them. I’m inserting introductions to all of the papers to explain why God put it on my heart to write the things I did, to give any other info that might be of interest in regards to each paper, and to be able to walk you through each one in relation to when they were written. This particular intro will explain my new beginning with Christ and why I chose to write.
One of the most eye-opening statements that has really stuck with me is “It’s not about religion, it’s about a relationship.” I attended Catholic Church most of my young life. I learned some stories from the Bible, I learned about Jesus, and I learned about Baptism, Communion and Confession. I learned when to kneel, when to stand, and when to sit, and I learned that if you leave right after Communion, you could make it out of the parking lot without having to deal with the traffic. I learned that church is where you go once a week, for an hour, to pay your respects (whether you felt like it or not) to a God that never ventured beyond its walls, because that’s the way it was. I learned a lot of things at Catholic Church except for the one thing I needed to learn. As is life, “It’s not about what you know, but about who you know”.
I knew a lot of things about Jesus, but I never really knew Jesus. Religion is a lot of knowing and doing, but relationship is all about experience. I never concerned myself with His life, His death, or His attempts to gain my attention. I was much too busy with me. Questioning the institution that was Catholicism, and never truly experiencing the God I heard about, I began to drift away from “the whole church thing”. Unfortunately, the world may consider it normal, but I did what any “normal” teenager would do. I hung out with friends, and we were on a quest to keep ourselves occupied. We were always looking for fun, and into having a good time. Looking back, I can say that I left no room for God in my life. I can also say that even though someone may attest to not being affiliated with any religion, they still have to believe in something. Whether it be in the absence of any God or just in themselves, that is still a belief. If I would have been asked back then “Who it was that I worshipped?” I would have responded with a “No one”. Hindsight, being 20-20 though, I was actually worshipping me. I was always doing what I wanted to do, and always fulfilling the desires of my own heart. I never even once considered going beyond my own feelings and beginning a search for this God who I was told existed.
Fast forward to the early nineties. With the exception of about a year’s time in the late eighties, I hadn’t been to church in about 10 years. I had been working at Costco (back then it was still Price Club) for about 4 years when I came across some books on our book table that kind of caught my eye. They were books about angels. Interested, I purchased a couple of them. Once again, using my 20-20 binoculars, I wouldn’t recommend these books to anyone. I bet that sounds a little strange, but I say that because they are almost “new-age-ish”. They talk about angels, but that is their main focus. They also seem to sprinkle what little truth they have about angels existing over different ideas on how to get in touch with them, how to meditate on them, etc. I have to say though, if it wasn’t for what I learned through Catholicism, I might have found myself in the middle of all of that junk. I actually, very briefly started leaning in that direction, until the dreams started.
The dreams are a story in themselves. They began back in July of 1993, and they were the turning point in my life. They began to turn my thoughts and attention back on God. I think that is when I truly began to slightly understand that these weren’t just ancient stories I had been taught on Sunday mornings. God slowly became a reality to me through these dreams. I knew enough to write out each one in a journal the moment I woke up from having one. I’ve dated most of them and will have to transfer them onto the computer one day so I can share those with you as well. I have to mention that even though this stuff began to stir in my mind, I was still going out, drinking, and hanging out with my friends. I think I was what the Bible called a “double-minded” man. It’s like God was awakening my spirit, but my body was still saying, “Party!!!!!”
Well, Memorial Day of 1994 came around and I got to talk to this beautiful, young woman at a friend’s party. A day or so later, I found out from a mutual friend that this young woman was curious if I was seeing anyone. I was very excited to find that out, and called her later to make plans to meet once again. Well, a first date turned into a second, and a year later, we became engaged. A year after that, we were married, and I thank God to this day for someone like Jodi.
Although in love, throughout our dating and our engagement, I continued to go out, drink, and allow my heart and mind to be filled with lust. In 1996, we were married, and even though you can’t see it in any of the wedding photos or video, anything I couldn’t put down while we were engaged, I brought up to the altar with me in the form of baggage. I carried all of that through the early part of our marriage, and it almost led to our divorcing after only 8 or 9 months. I vowed to change. I stopped going out, but the lust in my heart was consuming me.
In 1999/2000, a friend introduced me to the wonderful world of online porn. My lust now had a new home to go to. I was probably on one site or another almost every night. This thing I allowed to grow in me, now seemed to be in charge of me. I was continually being drawn to the computer, and was constantly filling my mind with all of those images. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was allowing my thinking to be altered by all of that filth.
In 2000/2001, I began to struggle with the idea that this stuff didn’t seem right. Here I am, a married man with a 2 year old little girl, and I’m allowing myself to live in this pornographic fantasy world. I knew I was in trouble when, time after time, I tried to quit and ended up back online viewing the same stuff. I began to realize that this wasn’t just a bad habit, but that it was sin. I was sinning not only against my wife and child, but also against God. Keep in mind that we were not attending any church yet. I began to half-heartedly ask for God’s help, but at the same time, still desiring those things that were feeding my lust. I tried for the life of me to quit, but always finding myself right back in front of the computer. I would end up giving into my lust, and then begin bashing myself afterwards. I was telling myself how terrible of a person I was, or convincing myself that I was a nobody with absolutely no self-control. Even though I may have realized that what I was doing was wrong, and tried taking control of the situation, I found myself in a very deep, dark, downward spiral. I reached the point of utter despair when I finally realized that I could not find a way out for myself. I was engulfed by this thing, and I had absolutely no control over it.
In August of 2001, I finally gave up. I awoke with a feeling of complete brokenness. Jodi was at work and Kendall was still sleeping so I sat in my bedroom alone. I began to weep uncontrollably. I turned my attention and my heart to the Lord. I cried out for Jesus to come and take this from me. I told Him that I’ve already tried and that it was just too big for me. I didn’t want this anymore, and I desperately needed His help. As I sat on the side of my bed and just wept, something unusual happened. Now this has only happened this one time, and I know I’m not a nut case (just ask my psychiatrist-just kidding!). This is a little hard to explain, but as I was weeping, I heard a whisper so strong and so loud within me that I thought for a moment that it was an external voice. It was strong enough that I briefly glanced over my shoulder to see if there was anyone there. No one was there, but then I heard it again. The whisper was directed to me in the form of a question. It was simply, “Are you ready?”
That day was the turning point to my whole life. From that day on, I have not been on any of those online sites, and the desire to do so was being overshadowed by a renewed strength. My own desires have been changed as well. I suddenly found myself with a desire to read God’s Word, to truly know Jesus and not just know about Him. From that point on, I started to realize that this isn’t about religion at all, but that it was truly about a relationship. I wanted to know this God who not only loved me enough to die for me, but also loved me enough to wait on my failed attempt after failed attempt until I finally approached Him in all of my brokenness and asked Him for His help. That day in 2001 was the day that God became real to me.
We began going to church as a family for the first time in Sept. 2001. I felt a strong desire to be there every week and looked forward to wonderful preaching. I was amazed at the new fire within me. I began to pray more and more, and as I did, God began to impress some things upon my heart. I figured I had been following after my own selfishness and lusts for so many years, that maybe it was time I started following Him. I did, and that’s when I began to write. I had written a couple of papers, and had given a couple of copies to our associate and senior pastors at the time. They approached me a week or so later and asked me if I would like a spot in the church’s monthly newsletter. I was kind of nervous, but at the same time excited, and so I said yes. Well, after two months of newsletters, the church went through some transitions so the newsletters stopped, but my writings continued. I reached about 7 newsletter-type articles, but as I started to write an 8th, the words just kept coming. So, the writings kind of evolved from 1 page to anywhere from 3 to 11 pages. I’m not sure if this will take me anywhere, but either way, I’m excited to be able to follow up with what the Lord puts on my heart and share it with some of the family and friends in my life. I continually pray that He will be able to use my writings for His glory. I desire for others to know and understand the Jesus that I not only read about, but experienced as well. I want people that might be where I was 20 years ago, to know that He is real, and that His love for them cannot even begin to be described…………………………even with words.
(Sorry to be so open, but I thought it necessary to tell you my history, and what led me to write. A few of my writings do deal with what I went through, and as long as I can give Him the glory, I don’t mind completely dashing any wonderful, exalted, god-like images you had of me----just kidding again!!)
(Please read Intro to newsletter #1 next. I promise it will be very short and will lead you right to newsletter #1). Thanks for your interest, Uncle Sonny. Hope you enjoy them!”
“Hey Uncle Sonny, I hope everything is going okay for you. Thanks for expressing interest in my stuff. I’m very excited to have you read it and to hear your thoughts. I hope you enjoy them. I’m inserting introductions to all of the papers to explain why God put it on my heart to write the things I did, to give any other info that might be of interest in regards to each paper, and to be able to walk you through each one in relation to when they were written. This particular intro will explain my new beginning with Christ and why I chose to write.
One of the most eye-opening statements that has really stuck with me is “It’s not about religion, it’s about a relationship.” I attended Catholic Church most of my young life. I learned some stories from the Bible, I learned about Jesus, and I learned about Baptism, Communion and Confession. I learned when to kneel, when to stand, and when to sit, and I learned that if you leave right after Communion, you could make it out of the parking lot without having to deal with the traffic. I learned that church is where you go once a week, for an hour, to pay your respects (whether you felt like it or not) to a God that never ventured beyond its walls, because that’s the way it was. I learned a lot of things at Catholic Church except for the one thing I needed to learn. As is life, “It’s not about what you know, but about who you know”.
I knew a lot of things about Jesus, but I never really knew Jesus. Religion is a lot of knowing and doing, but relationship is all about experience. I never concerned myself with His life, His death, or His attempts to gain my attention. I was much too busy with me. Questioning the institution that was Catholicism, and never truly experiencing the God I heard about, I began to drift away from “the whole church thing”. Unfortunately, the world may consider it normal, but I did what any “normal” teenager would do. I hung out with friends, and we were on a quest to keep ourselves occupied. We were always looking for fun, and into having a good time. Looking back, I can say that I left no room for God in my life. I can also say that even though someone may attest to not being affiliated with any religion, they still have to believe in something. Whether it be in the absence of any God or just in themselves, that is still a belief. If I would have been asked back then “Who it was that I worshipped?” I would have responded with a “No one”. Hindsight, being 20-20 though, I was actually worshipping me. I was always doing what I wanted to do, and always fulfilling the desires of my own heart. I never even once considered going beyond my own feelings and beginning a search for this God who I was told existed.
Fast forward to the early nineties. With the exception of about a year’s time in the late eighties, I hadn’t been to church in about 10 years. I had been working at Costco (back then it was still Price Club) for about 4 years when I came across some books on our book table that kind of caught my eye. They were books about angels. Interested, I purchased a couple of them. Once again, using my 20-20 binoculars, I wouldn’t recommend these books to anyone. I bet that sounds a little strange, but I say that because they are almost “new-age-ish”. They talk about angels, but that is their main focus. They also seem to sprinkle what little truth they have about angels existing over different ideas on how to get in touch with them, how to meditate on them, etc. I have to say though, if it wasn’t for what I learned through Catholicism, I might have found myself in the middle of all of that junk. I actually, very briefly started leaning in that direction, until the dreams started.
The dreams are a story in themselves. They began back in July of 1993, and they were the turning point in my life. They began to turn my thoughts and attention back on God. I think that is when I truly began to slightly understand that these weren’t just ancient stories I had been taught on Sunday mornings. God slowly became a reality to me through these dreams. I knew enough to write out each one in a journal the moment I woke up from having one. I’ve dated most of them and will have to transfer them onto the computer one day so I can share those with you as well. I have to mention that even though this stuff began to stir in my mind, I was still going out, drinking, and hanging out with my friends. I think I was what the Bible called a “double-minded” man. It’s like God was awakening my spirit, but my body was still saying, “Party!!!!!”
Well, Memorial Day of 1994 came around and I got to talk to this beautiful, young woman at a friend’s party. A day or so later, I found out from a mutual friend that this young woman was curious if I was seeing anyone. I was very excited to find that out, and called her later to make plans to meet once again. Well, a first date turned into a second, and a year later, we became engaged. A year after that, we were married, and I thank God to this day for someone like Jodi.
Although in love, throughout our dating and our engagement, I continued to go out, drink, and allow my heart and mind to be filled with lust. In 1996, we were married, and even though you can’t see it in any of the wedding photos or video, anything I couldn’t put down while we were engaged, I brought up to the altar with me in the form of baggage. I carried all of that through the early part of our marriage, and it almost led to our divorcing after only 8 or 9 months. I vowed to change. I stopped going out, but the lust in my heart was consuming me.
In 1999/2000, a friend introduced me to the wonderful world of online porn. My lust now had a new home to go to. I was probably on one site or another almost every night. This thing I allowed to grow in me, now seemed to be in charge of me. I was continually being drawn to the computer, and was constantly filling my mind with all of those images. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was allowing my thinking to be altered by all of that filth.
In 2000/2001, I began to struggle with the idea that this stuff didn’t seem right. Here I am, a married man with a 2 year old little girl, and I’m allowing myself to live in this pornographic fantasy world. I knew I was in trouble when, time after time, I tried to quit and ended up back online viewing the same stuff. I began to realize that this wasn’t just a bad habit, but that it was sin. I was sinning not only against my wife and child, but also against God. Keep in mind that we were not attending any church yet. I began to half-heartedly ask for God’s help, but at the same time, still desiring those things that were feeding my lust. I tried for the life of me to quit, but always finding myself right back in front of the computer. I would end up giving into my lust, and then begin bashing myself afterwards. I was telling myself how terrible of a person I was, or convincing myself that I was a nobody with absolutely no self-control. Even though I may have realized that what I was doing was wrong, and tried taking control of the situation, I found myself in a very deep, dark, downward spiral. I reached the point of utter despair when I finally realized that I could not find a way out for myself. I was engulfed by this thing, and I had absolutely no control over it.
In August of 2001, I finally gave up. I awoke with a feeling of complete brokenness. Jodi was at work and Kendall was still sleeping so I sat in my bedroom alone. I began to weep uncontrollably. I turned my attention and my heart to the Lord. I cried out for Jesus to come and take this from me. I told Him that I’ve already tried and that it was just too big for me. I didn’t want this anymore, and I desperately needed His help. As I sat on the side of my bed and just wept, something unusual happened. Now this has only happened this one time, and I know I’m not a nut case (just ask my psychiatrist-just kidding!). This is a little hard to explain, but as I was weeping, I heard a whisper so strong and so loud within me that I thought for a moment that it was an external voice. It was strong enough that I briefly glanced over my shoulder to see if there was anyone there. No one was there, but then I heard it again. The whisper was directed to me in the form of a question. It was simply, “Are you ready?”
That day was the turning point to my whole life. From that day on, I have not been on any of those online sites, and the desire to do so was being overshadowed by a renewed strength. My own desires have been changed as well. I suddenly found myself with a desire to read God’s Word, to truly know Jesus and not just know about Him. From that point on, I started to realize that this isn’t about religion at all, but that it was truly about a relationship. I wanted to know this God who not only loved me enough to die for me, but also loved me enough to wait on my failed attempt after failed attempt until I finally approached Him in all of my brokenness and asked Him for His help. That day in 2001 was the day that God became real to me.
We began going to church as a family for the first time in Sept. 2001. I felt a strong desire to be there every week and looked forward to wonderful preaching. I was amazed at the new fire within me. I began to pray more and more, and as I did, God began to impress some things upon my heart. I figured I had been following after my own selfishness and lusts for so many years, that maybe it was time I started following Him. I did, and that’s when I began to write. I had written a couple of papers, and had given a couple of copies to our associate and senior pastors at the time. They approached me a week or so later and asked me if I would like a spot in the church’s monthly newsletter. I was kind of nervous, but at the same time excited, and so I said yes. Well, after two months of newsletters, the church went through some transitions so the newsletters stopped, but my writings continued. I reached about 7 newsletter-type articles, but as I started to write an 8th, the words just kept coming. So, the writings kind of evolved from 1 page to anywhere from 3 to 11 pages. I’m not sure if this will take me anywhere, but either way, I’m excited to be able to follow up with what the Lord puts on my heart and share it with some of the family and friends in my life. I continually pray that He will be able to use my writings for His glory. I desire for others to know and understand the Jesus that I not only read about, but experienced as well. I want people that might be where I was 20 years ago, to know that He is real, and that His love for them cannot even begin to be described…………………………even with words.
(Sorry to be so open, but I thought it necessary to tell you my history, and what led me to write. A few of my writings do deal with what I went through, and as long as I can give Him the glory, I don’t mind completely dashing any wonderful, exalted, god-like images you had of me----just kidding again!!)
(Please read Intro to newsletter #1 next. I promise it will be very short and will lead you right to newsletter #1). Thanks for your interest, Uncle Sonny. Hope you enjoy them!”
