I had a pretty poor childhood. My mum died before I was three and my Dad uprooted us from our home and moved us to another country. He remarrried a woman who was unable to love me and I grew up feeling damaged. When I was about 8 a woman in our street used to take me to Sunday school. It meant little to me then but I thank God everyday for the seeds that were planted in my life then.
As I grew up I moved away from the church. I was searching. I had a yearning in my soul for something, a hunger to fill the hole that I felt in my soul. I got caught up in spiritualism and mediumship during my search and explored shamanism, buddhism, hinduism. I was into psychology and Carl Jung and was experiencing intense dreams and so-called spiritual experiences but through them all was this absolute yearning for God that couldn't be satisifed. I opened doorways that I shouldn't have opened.
I experienced depression but always had this trust behind everything that God was there and was guiding me through everything. I was working for someone that I found very difficult to be around and his personality brought out of me a arrogant side to my personality that I detested and I experienced myself rejecting myself intensely. Between this persons constant nitpicking and criticism and my personal rejection I eventually had a psychotic breakdown.
Through it all I was still yearning and searching for God. Synchronicities were happening a lot in my life. One day I felt a call inside me and heard in me "Go to church". I didn't listen to this for about a year but eventually I did go to church. Poetry was pouring through me that was like a forerunner for the experiences to come. I was experiencing on a feeling level complete love for God but didn't believe Jesus was God and felt a rejection in me towards this. AT this time I took my daughter swimming and in the locker I always used was a leaflet and it said "Saints are sinners who apologise"! Well that just hit my heart. The song Jesus bids us shine" was popping up everywhere and would move me to tears.
One day I was at home when I felt this complete sorrow for what I was and what I had done in my life. God showed me how wrong all the things I had been doing were and I was so sorry for having done those things. I was on my knees in complete sorrow, pouring with tears I couldnt stop. I realised how I really was a wretched sinner. But accepting I was a wretched sinner wasnt the painful experience I thought it would be because as I realised that I also felt the love of the Lord carrying me and I felt overjoyed. Here was I a wretched stinking sinner and yet completely loved by God! That felt wonderful!
Then one day I was in church and I felt the holy spirit come over me and I had to put my arms up in the air. All I can say is my arms were held there not by me and they stayed there for a long time. My feet went numb, my lips went numb and my hands were numb and tingling and my right ear went numb. I could feel energy coursing all through me and I saw a vision of a white throne and the devil was upon it. And Archangel Michael was there and he was wearing armour and glowing with a blue light and he was protecting me. The devil said I was really worshipping him and I said no because I knew in my heart that it was God I worshipped. He got off the throne and and offered it to me and said to put myself there. And I just knew then it wasn't mine it belonged to Jesus. And I called on Jesus. He took the throne and declared Peace in me. And I knew in that instant that He wasn't just my saviour and my Lord but He was also my King. Jesus is my King! He is King in my heart!
I had recently began reading the bible too and I was seeing it completely differently. Where as I had seen no value in it and found it dry, now the words were alive to me and I couldn't/can't get enough.
I was having spiritual direction as I needed someone to share what was going on. I did a week of ignatian prayer and during that week Jesus came to me. I saw myself in a rowing boat and Jesus was with me. Thousands of fish jumped into the boat and and the boat sank and I drowned. Then I was stood on the shore with Jesus and there were thousands of people stood to my left and Jesus said to me "Welcome to the family". He said "I will never leave you child". Shortly after I got baptised.
I also experienced this complete sorrow for ever having been separated from Him and this absolute joy at the same time for coming back into relationship with God. It was like only with Jesus carrying me and bearing the pain of it could I bear the grief of ever having sinned against God in the first place because as I felt grief so I felt His joy. His joy carried me.
Jesus saved me! He saved me. He healed my addictions, He is breaking down my pride, He has made me realise how completely poor I am without Him and how thankful and grateful I should and am for everything in my life, for without God's grace I would have nothing. I am learning to surrender everything to Him, for I've tried things by my own hand and failed miserably. Thank you Lord for your great mercy, your loving kindness, your grace, your compassion and your discpline. But more than that Lord thank you for You! Thank you for however you want to be with me in my life.
Many of the experiences have been labelled schizophrenic. Some of them have been horrific. But many have been beautiful and full of the Love of God. I do experience social anxiety, so please pray for me. I trust the Lord will heal this too in His own good timing! Glory to God for saving this wretched sinner.
Use everything to turn me to You, Lord.
Like the earth
Dances around the sun,
Let me dance
Around You.
Be my Fire.
Be my Air.
Be my Life water,
Be my Life Blood.
Let my whole Life
Revolve around You.
Let me live for Your glory,
Let my motivation be Your pleasure,
Let mine eyes see only You at work.
When I am flat on my face,
Raise me, as I praise You,
When I am fallen,
Lift me, as I worship.
When I am broken,
Heal me in Your Holy hands.
When I am weak,
Fill me with Your strength,
When I think to go my own way, to stray,
Gently pull me back to Yours,
When I speak my own words,
Empty out my vile mouth
And fill it only with your words.
When I am tempted to turn away,
Swivel me to You.
When I flee,
Comfort me.
When I err,
Be my correction.
When I sin,
Be my salvation.
Be my Brother,
Be Mother,
Be Father,
Be Sister,
Be Lover,
And Beloved,
Be Friend,
Be King,
Be Servant,
Be Saviour,
Be Master,
Be Son,
Be daughter,
Be Fire,
Be Water.
Be everything to me,
My everything, Lord!
As I grew up I moved away from the church. I was searching. I had a yearning in my soul for something, a hunger to fill the hole that I felt in my soul. I got caught up in spiritualism and mediumship during my search and explored shamanism, buddhism, hinduism. I was into psychology and Carl Jung and was experiencing intense dreams and so-called spiritual experiences but through them all was this absolute yearning for God that couldn't be satisifed. I opened doorways that I shouldn't have opened.
I experienced depression but always had this trust behind everything that God was there and was guiding me through everything. I was working for someone that I found very difficult to be around and his personality brought out of me a arrogant side to my personality that I detested and I experienced myself rejecting myself intensely. Between this persons constant nitpicking and criticism and my personal rejection I eventually had a psychotic breakdown.
Through it all I was still yearning and searching for God. Synchronicities were happening a lot in my life. One day I felt a call inside me and heard in me "Go to church". I didn't listen to this for about a year but eventually I did go to church. Poetry was pouring through me that was like a forerunner for the experiences to come. I was experiencing on a feeling level complete love for God but didn't believe Jesus was God and felt a rejection in me towards this. AT this time I took my daughter swimming and in the locker I always used was a leaflet and it said "Saints are sinners who apologise"! Well that just hit my heart. The song Jesus bids us shine" was popping up everywhere and would move me to tears.
One day I was at home when I felt this complete sorrow for what I was and what I had done in my life. God showed me how wrong all the things I had been doing were and I was so sorry for having done those things. I was on my knees in complete sorrow, pouring with tears I couldnt stop. I realised how I really was a wretched sinner. But accepting I was a wretched sinner wasnt the painful experience I thought it would be because as I realised that I also felt the love of the Lord carrying me and I felt overjoyed. Here was I a wretched stinking sinner and yet completely loved by God! That felt wonderful!
Then one day I was in church and I felt the holy spirit come over me and I had to put my arms up in the air. All I can say is my arms were held there not by me and they stayed there for a long time. My feet went numb, my lips went numb and my hands were numb and tingling and my right ear went numb. I could feel energy coursing all through me and I saw a vision of a white throne and the devil was upon it. And Archangel Michael was there and he was wearing armour and glowing with a blue light and he was protecting me. The devil said I was really worshipping him and I said no because I knew in my heart that it was God I worshipped. He got off the throne and and offered it to me and said to put myself there. And I just knew then it wasn't mine it belonged to Jesus. And I called on Jesus. He took the throne and declared Peace in me. And I knew in that instant that He wasn't just my saviour and my Lord but He was also my King. Jesus is my King! He is King in my heart!
I had recently began reading the bible too and I was seeing it completely differently. Where as I had seen no value in it and found it dry, now the words were alive to me and I couldn't/can't get enough.
I was having spiritual direction as I needed someone to share what was going on. I did a week of ignatian prayer and during that week Jesus came to me. I saw myself in a rowing boat and Jesus was with me. Thousands of fish jumped into the boat and and the boat sank and I drowned. Then I was stood on the shore with Jesus and there were thousands of people stood to my left and Jesus said to me "Welcome to the family". He said "I will never leave you child". Shortly after I got baptised.
I also experienced this complete sorrow for ever having been separated from Him and this absolute joy at the same time for coming back into relationship with God. It was like only with Jesus carrying me and bearing the pain of it could I bear the grief of ever having sinned against God in the first place because as I felt grief so I felt His joy. His joy carried me.
Jesus saved me! He saved me. He healed my addictions, He is breaking down my pride, He has made me realise how completely poor I am without Him and how thankful and grateful I should and am for everything in my life, for without God's grace I would have nothing. I am learning to surrender everything to Him, for I've tried things by my own hand and failed miserably. Thank you Lord for your great mercy, your loving kindness, your grace, your compassion and your discpline. But more than that Lord thank you for You! Thank you for however you want to be with me in my life.
Many of the experiences have been labelled schizophrenic. Some of them have been horrific. But many have been beautiful and full of the Love of God. I do experience social anxiety, so please pray for me. I trust the Lord will heal this too in His own good timing! Glory to God for saving this wretched sinner.
Use everything to turn me to You, Lord.
Like the earth
Dances around the sun,
Let me dance
Around You.
Be my Fire.
Be my Air.
Be my Life water,
Be my Life Blood.
Let my whole Life
Revolve around You.
Let me live for Your glory,
Let my motivation be Your pleasure,
Let mine eyes see only You at work.
When I am flat on my face,
Raise me, as I praise You,
When I am fallen,
Lift me, as I worship.
When I am broken,
Heal me in Your Holy hands.
When I am weak,
Fill me with Your strength,
When I think to go my own way, to stray,
Gently pull me back to Yours,
When I speak my own words,
Empty out my vile mouth
And fill it only with your words.
When I am tempted to turn away,
Swivel me to You.
When I flee,
Comfort me.
When I err,
Be my correction.
When I sin,
Be my salvation.
Be my Brother,
Be Mother,
Be Father,
Be Sister,
Be Lover,
And Beloved,
Be Friend,
Be King,
Be Servant,
Be Saviour,
Be Master,
Be Son,
Be daughter,
Be Fire,
Be Water.
Be everything to me,
My everything, Lord!
