J
For behold, the days are coming when they will say, "Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!"- Luke 23:29
I am mother to two deceased children who reside in Heaven with Jesus. The first child passed away on Tuesday 25th September 2007 and belonged to my ex fiance. I felt like the baby would have been a little boy so I named him Elijah William. Elijah died at 9 weeks old and was just "one of those things". The whole actual event of the miscarriage was horrendous. At 7am that morning I noticed some faint bleeding and being new to pregnancy I honestly didn't realise that I should be alarmed so I casually made an appointment with my doctor for 3:45pm. The bleeding worsened so I laid down with my fiance at the time for a few hours. He had the day off work luckily so he was able to stay with me. It was almost time for my appointment so I got up off the bed and then had the worst agony imaginable. I almost keeled over and had to sit in the beanbag. My fiance called my mother because I was in so much pain I couldn't really do anything. My mother somehow got me out of the beanbag and we went to the doctor's. I couldn't stand waiting so I went into the toilet with blood just gushing out of me. I have a phobia of germs but the pain was so great that I laid down on the toilet floor in a ball, not knowing what to do and wanting to relieve that unfathomable pain. My mum knocked on the door and told me that the doctor had called my name. She quickly checked over me and sent me straight over to emergency. I don't remember much except having morphine and being so thankful for it. The emergency staff kept saying "Why do you think you're pregnant"? over and over again. It was mental torture. I couldn't understand why they were asking me that. They tried an ultrasound but couldn't see anything. Not only was I physically distressed but I started to become really upset and sick of telling them "I did 4 pregnancy tests and my doctor confirmed the pregnancy". My mother and fiance took turns sitting next to me through the whole thing. After every test imaginable the gynecologist instigated a manual search party for my missing child and pulled out a tiny little embryo shaped like an oval. Apparently Elijah had got stuck which accounted for the insurmountable pain and why he couldn't be detected when they did an ultrasound. My mum left me and fiance to be alone and she started crying which made me cry in turn. I left the hospital and I think I left some of me there too because for around 6 months after the miscarriage I had forgotten it happened and people had to prompt me and remind me that I had one. I believe it was God's protection because it was too much at the time. It still amazes me when I think of how numb I went. Then after 6 months I started to feel the weight of it and by then I was still very much into partying and drinking and sometimes I would get so drunk that the pain would surface. It was a horrible experience. But I'm not that sad because I know where Elijah is and he is far happier with Jesus than he could ever be here on earth. That is not to say that I don't love him, because I do very much and will be reunited with him one day when the time comes.
The second miscarriage occurred around 3 weeks ago on Thursday 17th September 2009. This miscarriage was different to the first miscarriage. The child's name is Evangeline Sapphira and she joined her older brother in Heaven that day to be with Lord Jesus. I had symptoms of pregnancy for around 3 weeks but dismissed them as they are similar to menstrual periods as all women who have been pregnant would understand. But I guess I just knew I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test itching to know what was going on. At first the test appeared to be negative as I could not see a blue line. I went back around 15 minutes later and scrutinized the test under a bright light and saw the faintest little blue line. I wasn't satisfied so we went and got a digital test and it only took 20 seconds for the test to flash "pregnant" on the screen. I was very scared but happy at the same time because the father is someone I was totally in love with and we were sure we were meant to be together. I told my family and they all hugged me and said congratulations. My parents were actually thrilled because they love the father of the baby. My mum went about buying baby things but she was still cautious seeing as I lost the first baby. And I knew deep down I wasn't going to be a mummy but I held on anyway because nothing is impossible. We went in for our first ultrasound. The technician couldn't see anything in the gestational sac so she called upon the senior radiologist to probe further. I had to really contain myself and not cry because crying in public is not my style, especially around strangers. The radiologist looked extremely worried and she kept gently rubbing my leg and talking in a motherly tone to me. After we walked out of the building little tears welled into my eyes. I had to go get blood tests to measure the levels of hcg in my blood. A week later I made an appointment with my doctor and she looked over the results and told me that it appeared I had a "mole" which is a baby that starts to grow normally but then stops and instead the placenta grows. I became really stupid and unintelligent and I kept saying "So is there a chance this could be a normal pregnancy"? and "So you're saying there's no chance this could go full term"? She plainly stated that it wasn't viable and I'd need to see a gynecologist again. So I went and saw my gynecologist and he performed another ultrasound and said that he wasn't convinced it was a "mole" but he also wasn't convinced it's a normal pregnancy. Straight out I said "You need to make sure this isn't a viable pregnancy because I will not abort a baby. I will not kill a perfectly normal baby. I just don't believe in that and couldn't live with myself" based upon what I said, he sent me for one last blood test to measure the hcg. The next day I went back and he told me that at the level of hcg in my blood he should be able to see an embryo in the gestational sac and that the pregnancy would result in a miscarriage sooner or later. So I had to make the decision to go into hospital to have the baby removed. It was so scary having to make that call. "What if he's wrong... then I'm responsible for my child's death" is what i kept thinking to myself. I made the decision based upon the knowledge I was provided and then I prayed and repented in case I had made the wrong decision. Two days later I was in hospital and my mother waited with me for about an hour. She started crying and I asked her to leave because it was starting to make me cry and it was a humiliating experience. I don't have private health cover. I've never bothered getting it because I've never really had any health problems. I didn't realise how public non-private hospitals are. I am so intensely private and shy and this really distressed me. So I waited to be taken to surgery and I just cried. The nurses felt so bad for me. I cried because I was out in the open for everyone to see and I cried because I was all alone in the hospital. Eventually I was taken into theater and and put under. I awoke half an hour or so later with severe cramps. The nurses moved me on my side and gave me strong pain relief. I was ok by that point because I was drugged up. So I slept and I didn't care about all the staff walking past me. My eyes were welled up, itchy, the ugliest shade of red and so pitiful looking. I wasn't really numb this time but I had an attitude of "here we go again". I knew what to expect which really equipped me to deal with a second loss. I didn't really tell anyone about the miscarriage so it was as if was a total non-event. It was as if it paled in significance. But it's because I made it that way.
I have no idea why I am sharing this. I don't really ever talk about the miscarriages or dwell on them whereas other people continually fall apart and need to have a memorial service and remembrance for their children which I think is lovely. It just isn't my style. I know where my babies are and that is an amazing place. Sometimes I feel like I should cry weekly and people should be messaging me and saying "I'm sorry about your loss" but I never really got any of that because I didn't want it. The last miscarriage was pretty much kept a secret because I am a Christian and I did sin and I wasn't really in the mood to justify myself to anyone and have non-believers chirp up in unison "I thought you were a Christian". Maybe they wouldn't have but I had to protect myself from it because it's exhausting. But God decides what happens at conception and he decided that I wouldn't be a mother (on earth) just yet. Maybe not at all. I'm not sure I ever will be but I know it's not the end of my world.
So I am now single and childless again and relying on God's extra grace to heal my heart that is currently suffering the loss of two babies and my boyfriend. It'll be okay... I know. This is all just temporary and in the very end the pain is totally irrelevant compared to my inheritance in Heaven. I go through all of this because I love Jesus and when I cry out to him I feel safe and I feel better. I also have so much to learn and a long way to go to be transformed into a Christ-like and godly woman which is the kind of person I am desperate to be. These sufferings are just another reinforcement of the proof that God is the one living God. Other people would say that the death of a child means there couldn't possibly be a loving God but I just don't see things that way at all. Misery causes me to draw close to him and before when I wasn't apart of his kingdom I suffered 100 times worse. God is always there to offer his love and compassion and it is utterly amazing that God cares about every single person on the planet... if only they would accept his love and goodness. It isn't all suffering. There is a peace and joy that comes with being obedient to Christ that cannot be found anywhere else and it is so beautifully wonderful and the best feeling you can find on earth.
Anyways this is extremely personal and again, I've got absolutely no idea why I am sharing it but I felt a leading from the Lord so I acted on it.
I am mother to two deceased children who reside in Heaven with Jesus. The first child passed away on Tuesday 25th September 2007 and belonged to my ex fiance. I felt like the baby would have been a little boy so I named him Elijah William. Elijah died at 9 weeks old and was just "one of those things". The whole actual event of the miscarriage was horrendous. At 7am that morning I noticed some faint bleeding and being new to pregnancy I honestly didn't realise that I should be alarmed so I casually made an appointment with my doctor for 3:45pm. The bleeding worsened so I laid down with my fiance at the time for a few hours. He had the day off work luckily so he was able to stay with me. It was almost time for my appointment so I got up off the bed and then had the worst agony imaginable. I almost keeled over and had to sit in the beanbag. My fiance called my mother because I was in so much pain I couldn't really do anything. My mother somehow got me out of the beanbag and we went to the doctor's. I couldn't stand waiting so I went into the toilet with blood just gushing out of me. I have a phobia of germs but the pain was so great that I laid down on the toilet floor in a ball, not knowing what to do and wanting to relieve that unfathomable pain. My mum knocked on the door and told me that the doctor had called my name. She quickly checked over me and sent me straight over to emergency. I don't remember much except having morphine and being so thankful for it. The emergency staff kept saying "Why do you think you're pregnant"? over and over again. It was mental torture. I couldn't understand why they were asking me that. They tried an ultrasound but couldn't see anything. Not only was I physically distressed but I started to become really upset and sick of telling them "I did 4 pregnancy tests and my doctor confirmed the pregnancy". My mother and fiance took turns sitting next to me through the whole thing. After every test imaginable the gynecologist instigated a manual search party for my missing child and pulled out a tiny little embryo shaped like an oval. Apparently Elijah had got stuck which accounted for the insurmountable pain and why he couldn't be detected when they did an ultrasound. My mum left me and fiance to be alone and she started crying which made me cry in turn. I left the hospital and I think I left some of me there too because for around 6 months after the miscarriage I had forgotten it happened and people had to prompt me and remind me that I had one. I believe it was God's protection because it was too much at the time. It still amazes me when I think of how numb I went. Then after 6 months I started to feel the weight of it and by then I was still very much into partying and drinking and sometimes I would get so drunk that the pain would surface. It was a horrible experience. But I'm not that sad because I know where Elijah is and he is far happier with Jesus than he could ever be here on earth. That is not to say that I don't love him, because I do very much and will be reunited with him one day when the time comes.
The second miscarriage occurred around 3 weeks ago on Thursday 17th September 2009. This miscarriage was different to the first miscarriage. The child's name is Evangeline Sapphira and she joined her older brother in Heaven that day to be with Lord Jesus. I had symptoms of pregnancy for around 3 weeks but dismissed them as they are similar to menstrual periods as all women who have been pregnant would understand. But I guess I just knew I was pregnant because I took a pregnancy test itching to know what was going on. At first the test appeared to be negative as I could not see a blue line. I went back around 15 minutes later and scrutinized the test under a bright light and saw the faintest little blue line. I wasn't satisfied so we went and got a digital test and it only took 20 seconds for the test to flash "pregnant" on the screen. I was very scared but happy at the same time because the father is someone I was totally in love with and we were sure we were meant to be together. I told my family and they all hugged me and said congratulations. My parents were actually thrilled because they love the father of the baby. My mum went about buying baby things but she was still cautious seeing as I lost the first baby. And I knew deep down I wasn't going to be a mummy but I held on anyway because nothing is impossible. We went in for our first ultrasound. The technician couldn't see anything in the gestational sac so she called upon the senior radiologist to probe further. I had to really contain myself and not cry because crying in public is not my style, especially around strangers. The radiologist looked extremely worried and she kept gently rubbing my leg and talking in a motherly tone to me. After we walked out of the building little tears welled into my eyes. I had to go get blood tests to measure the levels of hcg in my blood. A week later I made an appointment with my doctor and she looked over the results and told me that it appeared I had a "mole" which is a baby that starts to grow normally but then stops and instead the placenta grows. I became really stupid and unintelligent and I kept saying "So is there a chance this could be a normal pregnancy"? and "So you're saying there's no chance this could go full term"? She plainly stated that it wasn't viable and I'd need to see a gynecologist again. So I went and saw my gynecologist and he performed another ultrasound and said that he wasn't convinced it was a "mole" but he also wasn't convinced it's a normal pregnancy. Straight out I said "You need to make sure this isn't a viable pregnancy because I will not abort a baby. I will not kill a perfectly normal baby. I just don't believe in that and couldn't live with myself" based upon what I said, he sent me for one last blood test to measure the hcg. The next day I went back and he told me that at the level of hcg in my blood he should be able to see an embryo in the gestational sac and that the pregnancy would result in a miscarriage sooner or later. So I had to make the decision to go into hospital to have the baby removed. It was so scary having to make that call. "What if he's wrong... then I'm responsible for my child's death" is what i kept thinking to myself. I made the decision based upon the knowledge I was provided and then I prayed and repented in case I had made the wrong decision. Two days later I was in hospital and my mother waited with me for about an hour. She started crying and I asked her to leave because it was starting to make me cry and it was a humiliating experience. I don't have private health cover. I've never bothered getting it because I've never really had any health problems. I didn't realise how public non-private hospitals are. I am so intensely private and shy and this really distressed me. So I waited to be taken to surgery and I just cried. The nurses felt so bad for me. I cried because I was out in the open for everyone to see and I cried because I was all alone in the hospital. Eventually I was taken into theater and and put under. I awoke half an hour or so later with severe cramps. The nurses moved me on my side and gave me strong pain relief. I was ok by that point because I was drugged up. So I slept and I didn't care about all the staff walking past me. My eyes were welled up, itchy, the ugliest shade of red and so pitiful looking. I wasn't really numb this time but I had an attitude of "here we go again". I knew what to expect which really equipped me to deal with a second loss. I didn't really tell anyone about the miscarriage so it was as if was a total non-event. It was as if it paled in significance. But it's because I made it that way.
I have no idea why I am sharing this. I don't really ever talk about the miscarriages or dwell on them whereas other people continually fall apart and need to have a memorial service and remembrance for their children which I think is lovely. It just isn't my style. I know where my babies are and that is an amazing place. Sometimes I feel like I should cry weekly and people should be messaging me and saying "I'm sorry about your loss" but I never really got any of that because I didn't want it. The last miscarriage was pretty much kept a secret because I am a Christian and I did sin and I wasn't really in the mood to justify myself to anyone and have non-believers chirp up in unison "I thought you were a Christian". Maybe they wouldn't have but I had to protect myself from it because it's exhausting. But God decides what happens at conception and he decided that I wouldn't be a mother (on earth) just yet. Maybe not at all. I'm not sure I ever will be but I know it's not the end of my world.
So I am now single and childless again and relying on God's extra grace to heal my heart that is currently suffering the loss of two babies and my boyfriend. It'll be okay... I know. This is all just temporary and in the very end the pain is totally irrelevant compared to my inheritance in Heaven. I go through all of this because I love Jesus and when I cry out to him I feel safe and I feel better. I also have so much to learn and a long way to go to be transformed into a Christ-like and godly woman which is the kind of person I am desperate to be. These sufferings are just another reinforcement of the proof that God is the one living God. Other people would say that the death of a child means there couldn't possibly be a loving God but I just don't see things that way at all. Misery causes me to draw close to him and before when I wasn't apart of his kingdom I suffered 100 times worse. God is always there to offer his love and compassion and it is utterly amazing that God cares about every single person on the planet... if only they would accept his love and goodness. It isn't all suffering. There is a peace and joy that comes with being obedient to Christ that cannot be found anywhere else and it is so beautifully wonderful and the best feeling you can find on earth.
Anyways this is extremely personal and again, I've got absolutely no idea why I am sharing it but I felt a leading from the Lord so I acted on it.
