Need Advice

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MOMOFTHREE

Guest
#1
#1
I've been married for 18 years with the father of my children, we were the perfect family until about two years ago. I found out my husband was molesting our oldest daughter (she was 13). We separated got therapy and reported to the police. They said their wasn't enough proof to put him in jail. I asked her why she didn't tell me right away she said she didn't know it was wrong and once she notice it was wrong she asked him to stop and he did, which made her feel more guilty because she felt she could of stopped it from the beginning, and she didn't want our family to break apart. Now after almost three years (she is 16 now) I'm at the point where she forgives him and I feel that loves him and even defensed him against me. I know she feels protected and that he won't do it again but I'm at the point where I can't forgive and notice I'm hurting him and myself with my attacks and very harsh words. I don't know what to do. We only see him once or twice a week to have dinner or sometimes to buy them stuff they need, and during school events.But he refuses to move on with life because he want to be there for our kids, he says he has messed up so bad that he doesn't want them to think that on top of that he abandon them too.He looked for God and he say that is the only reason he is still around. He hates himself for what he did and cannot explain why he did it. He tells me it's easier to pick up leave like I want him to do, then to stay around with my ups and downs like he chooses to do because he loves us. It's really hard because my family doesn't understand why I even still deal with him. But the little I've heard at church God wants us to forgive, right? I mean not let him in our home but ask God to help him. It's really hard to forgive him when everyone tells me not to, like my family. Am I doing wrong? Should I just move away with my kids. I could never wish him anything bad because he was a really good husband and father until this. He always help me with my parents, he lost everything when this happen, we were his only family and to have to deal with this alone, must be very hard for him. I know my parents are very hurt because they loved him like a son but I wish things could be better so my kids don't have to choose who they want to spent their birthdays and holidays with. Am I doing right in trying to help my kids not have any hate? I'm very confused and the bible doesn't say what to do in these cases, what I hear is that Jesus wants us to forgive and pray for him. Please give me your advice.
 
C

choZn

Guest
#2
#2
I feel your pain. I have also dealt with issues of forgiveness and continue to live in circumstances that test my ability to forgive on a daily basis. These are some of the verses that have helped to guide me. Maybe they will help you.

"Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful. Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven: Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." Luke 6: 36-38 (KJV)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

If you are trying to forgive, you are on the right track. Jesus tells us to love our enemies, as well as our friends, striving to model our lives after his perfect example(Matt. 5: 43-48). Satan will test you but God will grow you and carry you through this valley. Surround yourself with Him and things of Him. Seek His guidance and follow his direction above that of anyone else around you. A good counselor could also be helpful for your family.
I have prayed for you already that God will grant you peace and give you guidance as well as strength. I have also prayed healing for your daughter and that God will in His mercy help her to forgive her dad,as well as herself- even though she did no wrong. I also prayed that God would work in your husbands life according to His will. Gods grace be with you all.
 
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MaggieMye

Guest
#3
#3
You should seek a BIBLICAL marriage counselor to help you through these things. Also, deliverance would be a great benefit...if you could start with that, that would be great.

Maggie
 
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MaggieMye

Guest
#4
#4
Scripture tells us that ALL things are possible with God. He created you both. He created marriage. People do fail at being good marriage partners, BUT GOD can restore you and get you to a point of having it be even better that it first was. If you do things the worlds way, all you will get is opinions of man...and man is FULL of error. Seel the Lord. He loves you both more than anyone else. Find a Bible teaching church, get involved, make friends and let HIM be your healer and restorer.

Maggie
 
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dmdave17

Guest
#5
#5
Dear MOMOFTHREE,

While the Scriptures tell us to "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Colossians 3:13), I believe we all struggle with forgiveness at one time or another. The greater the offense, the harder it is to forgive. So the first thing you need to do, in my opinion, is not to beat yourself up too badly because you cannot forgive your husband. But, ultimately, I think that is what God wants you to do. It sounds like your husband has truly repented of his sin, and sincerely wants to make amends.

I remember reading something which Dr. Robert Schuller wrote some time back. He said that when he had trouble with loving someone, he would imagine that person standing in front of him. Then he would point at the person, and lift his other hand up to Heaven. He would pray "Lord, I cannot love this person, but I ask You to let Your love flow through me to him." I would suggest that you try something similar with your husband. Let God's forgiveness flow through you to your husband. That may help to relieve you of the burden which you now carry.

God bless you and be with you in your time of uncertainty.
 
C

cess28

Guest
#6
#6
This is hard but u have to think of what woukld Jesus do. We won't forget but we have to forgve. i we want to be a true christian we haveto forgive. i know it is easer for others to tell you to forgive wen they don't have the experience of what you ar dealing with. Think about this if should not forgive us then what will we do and how will we react. You are teaching your chioldren the right thing to love their father and the same way you are tlling them to forgive him you should tell that to yourself too. I myself would forgive him but I would not let him live in the same house as my children. I had the same situation in y family so I understand how you feel. Don't listen to negation talk listen to Jesus. He will heal yourwound and restore your faith. What would Jesus do is your answer
 
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thimsrebma

Guest
#7
#7
Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to let them back in your life the same way they were before. Forgiveness means you do not have bitterness or harsh feelings towards someone over a situation. You may be able to forgive him in the near future but that does not mean his heart is changed. Until your husband is clearly without a doubt delivered from this perversion it is not safe to allow him to be around your daughter or any other children for that matter.
 
B

Blackson

Guest
#8
#8
MOMOFTHREE said:
I've been married for 18 years with the father of my children, we were the perfect family until about two years ago. I found out my husband was molesting our oldest daughter (she was 13). We separated got therapy and reported to the police. They said their wasn't enough proof to put him in jail. I asked her why she didn't tell me right away she said she didn't know it was wrong and once she notice it was wrong she asked him to stop and he did, which made her feel more guilty because she felt she could of stopped it from the beginning, and she didn't want our family to break apart. Now after almost three years (she is 16 now) I'm at the point where she forgives him and I feel that loves him and even defensed him against me. I know she feels protected and that he won't do it again but I'm at the point where I can't forgive and notice I'm hurting him and myself with my attacks and very harsh words. I don't know what to do. We only see him once or twice a week to have dinner or sometimes to buy them stuff they need, and during school events.But he refuses to move on with life because he want to be there for our kids, he says he has messed up so bad that he doesn't want them to think that on top of that he abandon them too.He looked for God and he say that is the only reason he is still around. He hates himself for what he did and cannot explain why he did it. He tells me it's easier to pick up leave like I want him to do, then to stay around with my ups and downs like he chooses to do because he loves us. It's really hard because my family doesn't understand why I even still deal with him. But the little I've heard at church God wants us to forgive, right? I mean not let him in our home but ask God to help him. It's really hard to forgive him when everyone tells me not to, like my family. Am I doing wrong? Should I just move away with my kids. I could never wish him anything bad because he was a really good husband and father until this. He always help me with my parents, he lost everything when this happen, we were his only family and to have to deal with this alone, must be very hard for him. I know my parents are very hurt because they loved him like a son but I wish things could be better so my kids don't have to choose who they want to spent their birthdays and holidays with. Am I doing right in trying to help my kids not have any hate? I'm very confused and the bible doesn't say what to do in these cases, what I hear is that Jesus wants us to forgive and pray for him. Please give me your advice.
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i'm very sorry for the situation you have passed through my sister. Such cases are no mean in our society today and we need god's intervention to curb this inhuman behaviour.

However, I am so impressed with your consideration to forgive him you have indicated in this message. If you can re-read your message you will discover that you are already at the verge of forgiving this lovely husband of yours. As others have already said, we are mandated to forgive those who wrong us. You must go and see your pastor or any pastor who can help you with spiritual counselling.

We all make mistakes regardless of how minor or major the mistake is. In fact he is willing to take care of his children. Mind you, he is the father no matter what has happened. I believe he has learnt a lesson.

I will come again.
 
L

lordsservant121

Guest
#9
#9
MOMOFTHREE said:
I've been married for 18 years with the father of my children, we were the perfect family until about two years ago. I found out my husband was molesting our oldest daughter (she was 13). We separated got therapy and reported to the police. They said their wasn't enough proof to put him in jail. I asked her why she didn't tell me right away she said she didn't know it was wrong and once she notice it was wrong she asked him to stop and he did, which made her feel more guilty because she felt she could of stopped it from the beginning, and she didn't want our family to break apart. Now after almost three years (she is 16 now) I'm at the point where she forgives him and I feel that loves him and even defensed him against me. I know she feels protected and that he won't do it again but I'm at the point where I can't forgive and notice I'm hurting him and myself with my attacks and very harsh words. I don't know what to do. We only see him once or twice a week to have dinner or sometimes to buy them stuff they need, and during school events.But he refuses to move on with life because he want to be there for our kids, he says he has messed up so bad that he doesn't want them to think that on top of that he abandon them too.He looked for God and he say that is the only reason he is still around. He hates himself for what he did and cannot explain why he did it. He tells me it's easier to pick up leave like I want him to do, then to stay around with my ups and downs like he chooses to do because he loves us. It's really hard because my family doesn't understand why I even still deal with him. But the little I've heard at church God wants us to forgive, right? I mean not let him in our home but ask God to help him. It's really hard to forgive him when everyone tells me not to, like my family. Am I doing wrong? Should I just move away with my kids. I could never wish him anything bad because he was a really good husband and father until this. He always help me with my parents, he lost everything when this happen, we were his only family and to have to deal with this alone, must be very hard for him. I know my parents are very hurt because they loved him like a son but I wish things could be better so my kids don't have to choose who they want to spent their birthdays and holidays with. Am I doing right in trying to help my kids not have any hate? I'm very confused and the bible doesn't say what to do in these cases, what I hear is that Jesus wants us to forgive and pray for him. Please give me your advice.
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Momofthree I am sorry you are having to go through this but I applaud your effort to forgive. It is hard and some days will be better than others but if you had truly forgiven him you would not use harsh words and have your daughter feel the need to defend him against you. I assume you have dinner with him twice a week is because you don't want the kids around him alone. Try having dinner at a restaurant. They at one table you at another. Or other group activities where you are all at the same place but just different tables or sections of the place. You or your daughter should not feel guilty about how you treat him. Your feelings are justified and rightly placed. Have you tried to talk to him by yourself, at church or in the driveway. Something to see if maybe your just being defensive because he is around your children. I will be praying for you and hope you can find peace that you deserve. GOD bless.
 
VikkiKate89

VikkiKate89

Banned
#10
Jul 24, 2010
829
7
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35
#10
Speaking as someone who knows what it's like to be sexually abused by a member of the family, I'm an adamant believer in forgiving, but not being stupid. I looked the man in the eyes and forgave him but there is no way I am ever letting myself be put in any situation where he can get at me again. Right now, your kids and their protection comes first. Keeping them away from him, cruel and hard as that sounds, is the best thing for them right now. The emotions your daughter is feeling right now are normal and to be expected, but she needs to understand that what happened to her was NEVER her fault. He was the adult and the parent, he was the one who was supposed to be protecting her and instead he betrayed her, she has nothing to feel guilty about. It may take a while for her to understand that, but she still needs to hear it, though I'm guess since you're her mother you've already told her that.

I'll be honest, the fact that you still allow them around him concerns me a lot. There is more than enough proof out there that people who commit sex crimes do not stop. The chances of them ever reforming are slim to nothing. That's why sex offenders get put on a registry where they can't so much as move into a neighborhood without everyone knowing about it. It's set up strict for a reason. Granted the cops said there wasn't enough evidence to arrest him, but if they've both admitted it happened that's more than enough evidence for you. The bigger thing is once she overcomes blaming herself and starts to heal, what'll matter the most during that time is that she knew she had a mother that was defending and protecting her during that difficult time.

It's possible to forgive him and not have him in your kids lives anymore. Forgiveness will help you start to heal from all this, and then keeping your family away from him will help keep them safe as well. I personally wouldn't trust him, and that's not just going off my own personal experience but all the studies I've seen that completely back me up on this. I could be wrong, he could be changed, he may never do it again, it does happen, but it's so rare that there's not a psychologist or police officer out there that would recommend counting on it, and honestly it's not a risk you should take. You can forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to let your kids near him.

I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now. I only know the pain of being the victim, but I've seen another woman go through almost what you are. This happened to a friend of mine in Church 2 years ago where her husband was arrested for sexually abusing their 5 year old and she later found out it had been happening since she was 2. She ended up filing for divorce and relocated her kids to another state where they'd be closer to her family and far away from him. He was very apologetic, said he didn't know why he did, then started talking about how they should move somewhere else once he was out so they could start all over which was a HUGE red flag. I know from watching her that it's gotta be hard and painful. I know it took her a while to do it, but now that she's done it she feels better knowing they're safe, and her kids really are in a better position surrounded by a family that loves and looks after them. The fact that you went strait to the cops is amazing. I just strongly encourage you to keep them away from him, I know that sounds harsh, but he stopped being a father the minute he laid hands on your daughter.
 
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thimsrebma

Guest
#11
#11
VikkiKate89 said:
Speaking as someone who knows what it's like to be sexually abused by a member of the family, I'm an adamant believer in forgiving, but not being stupid. I looked the man in the eyes and forgave him but there is no way I am ever letting myself be put in any situation where he can get at me again. Right now, your kids and their protection comes first. Keeping them away from him, cruel and hard as that sounds, is the best thing for them right now. The emotions your daughter is feeling right now are normal and to be expected, but she needs to understand that what happened to her was NEVER her fault. He was the adult and the parent, he was the one who was supposed to be protecting her and instead he betrayed her, she has nothing to feel guilty about. It may take a while for her to understand that, but she still needs to hear it, though I'm guess since you're her mother you've already told her that.

I'll be honest, the fact that you still allow them around him concerns me a lot. There is more than enough proof out there that people who commit sex crimes do not stop. The chances of them ever reforming are slim to nothing. That's why sex offenders get put on a registry where they can't so much as move into a neighborhood without everyone knowing about it. It's set up strict for a reason. Granted the cops said there wasn't enough evidence to arrest him, but if they've both admitted it happened that's more than enough evidence for you. The bigger thing is once she overcomes blaming herself and starts to heal, what'll matter the most during that time is that she knew she had a mother that was defending and protecting her during that difficult time.

It's possible to forgive him and not have him in your kids lives anymore. Forgiveness will help you start to heal from all this, and then keeping your family away from him will help keep them safe as well. I personally wouldn't trust him, and that's not just going off my own personal experience but all the studies I've seen that completely back me up on this. I could be wrong, he could be changed, he may never do it again, it does happen, but it's so rare that there's not a psychologist or police officer out there that would recommend counting on it, and honestly it's not a risk you should take. You can forgive him, but that doesn't mean you have to let your kids near him.

I can't imagine the pain you're going through right now. I only know the pain of being the victim, but I've seen another woman go through almost what you are. This happened to a friend of mine in Church 2 years ago where her husband was arrested for sexually abusing their 5 year old and she later found out it had been happening since she was 2. She ended up filing for divorce and relocated her kids to another state where they'd be closer to her family and far away from him. He was very apologetic, said he didn't know why he did, then started talking about how they should move somewhere else once he was out so they could start all over which was a HUGE red flag. I know from watching her that it's gotta be hard and painful. I know it took her a while to do it, but now that she's done it she feels better knowing they're safe, and her kids really are in a better position surrounded by a family that loves and looks after them. The fact that you went strait to the cops is amazing. I just strongly encourage you to keep them away from him, I know that sounds harsh, but he stopped being a father the minute he laid hands on your daughter.
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I totally agree with you. I think that sometimes as christians we feel so obligatied to "forgive" we become ignorant to the dangers of letting people back into our lives. Forgiveness is for the victims. You shouldn't go around carrying a heavy heart for someone elses sins. So yes forgive, unload that burden of anger, but don't be silly and allow someone to repeatedly hurt you. This can be applied to a number of situations where someone may victimize or take advantage of you.
 
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Seriously_Cool_Wife

Guest
#12
#12
Yeah, keep hounding it in your daughter's head that it's nothing SHE did... She sounds afraid that it's her fault the family is broken up. Be sure to tell her that Dad's sin has broken your marriage. Let her know that you don't want bad things for him or that you are unforgiving... but let her know that you are dealing with hurt too, and trying to set the right boundaries in your life and for the lives of your children.

Keep encouraging her to rise above this and love the life God gave her and not let her Dad's sin ruin the good things God has in store for all of you. Tell her it's ok to still love him and pray for him, but that you are in the tough position of making the choices every day to set boundaries and you hope that she will trust you to set them with all of your best interests at heart.
 
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Crabcake

Guest
#13
#13
MOMOFTHREE,

I strongly agree with VikkiKate because I have counseled women whose children have undergone abuse by their biological fathers. My concern in reading over your story was the absence of feeling you have for your daughter. Her protection (mental, emotional, and psychological) comes first - today, tomorrow and always! He is a sex pervert and you should get yourself and your children as far away from him as possible. Forgiving him or at least, deep down forgiving yourself should be laid on the altar to God and left there. What you should be doing now is taking care of yourself and your children.

May I suggest you see a Christian family therapist specialized in sexual abuse? The entire family needs counseling - you, your daughter and her siblings. The mental and emotional trauma you have all endured by this heinous act needs professional assistance. May God bless you all.
 
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