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listim87

Guest
#1
#1
Hi everyone. Im new here. Ive never beento any of these kinds of sites like chat. But i have nowhere else to turn.

My name is Lisa. Ive been married for just over one month and have a newborn daughter.
I just found a bunch of naked women and porn in my husbands mail,which he lied to me about. and when we are out in public i would catch him look at other women. I am beyond hurt that i am just mad all day long. I feel betrayed, angry, hurt, everything rolled into one. I just cant seem to get passed it. i just cant stop thinking about it or anything. i try to forgive him & ill be better for like one hour if that then something sets me off again. I dont know what to do .
 
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Seriously_Cool_Wife

Guest
#2
#2
I'm so sorry you are in that position, Lisa. Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need to be in a place where God is your first relationship. This way, if there are problems in marriage, then your world is centered first in Christ and not in your husband. Your husband is fallible (fails) but God doesn't.

As for your marriage, pray first, then see if he is willing to find a man to be accountable to with the porn problems he has. An older Christian male that is in some form of leadership or recommended by the leaders of your church would be the place to start. Some one that will walk away from meetings with him without judging him, but can still help him be tough on himself.

I think the big reason you are having a hard time letting it go is because you don't feel it's done and over with. You want him to be 100% fixed (about this at least) before you are able to let it go really. Understandable, but pray about yourself there. You've gotta honor what God asks regardless of your spouse.

If he's only 10% fixed, or 90% fixed... you want to be grounded in God because God is the same yesterday as he is today and as he will be tomorrow. You want to be that way too...

None of you, including your baby, deserves the two of you to be angry and hurt with one another. Build a life of forgiveness and joy.

Anyway, this is coming from a woman who has had to forgive some stuff, so I get it... really I do.
 
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Fierflie

Guest
#3
#3
Hiya Lisa and welcome to the site. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through,and so early in your marriage and with a newborn. I would talk to someone at your church who can guide you and your husband. It is going to be hard to trust him again, and you will need lots of support for you, for him, and for the marriage.

Stay close to Jesus, pray, walk with God, talk to him, he will never leave you.
 
Wonderland

Wonderland

Senior Member
#4
May 6, 2010
247
19
18
#4
Hi Lisa,
My husband and I are struggling through sexual issues as well. We're getting there, though, and I pray that you will too.

One thing that I've realized through all this is that men look at other women. My husband has gone to many many men in the church about this issue, and ALL of them say that they struggle with looking at other women. That part is fairly natural, and as long as your husband is faithful to you and you alone, you can feel secure that he chose you for a reason! (Or probably many reasons!) Even my pastor has admitted that he notices pretty ladies--and he talks about it to his wife. That's key--guys need to talk about it, but you need to be secure enough in your relationship to hear it. If you aren't, then he needs to find other men to share that with. My point is, KEEPING IT A SECRET WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE for you and for him.So here are my suggestions:

1) Pray about it. God's got this if you choose to give it to Him.
2) Seek support from other christians--men, women and married couples who have survived this issue.
3) See the issue through a man's eyes as well as your own. Men and women see things very differently, and we need to accept that men are hardwired for sex, as they need to accept that we are hardwired for single-minded devotion (yes, I'm generalizing, but overall these are very gender-true).
4) Be open to talking about it with him, even if it hurts. Like I said before, sin grows in the dark. The only way to root out darkness is to expose it to light. But by being open to talking with him, he has to feel safe to talk to you--that means no overreacting, blaming or otherwise shutting him down.
5) If you can't follow these steps, seek out a counseling professional who can guide and support you, BUT be picky about the counselor you trust. There are some really really good ones out there, and some really really worldly ones.

I really hope things work out for you. I can attest that with God's help, you and your husband can move past this.

Be blessed.
 
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lordsservant121

Guest
#5
#5
listim87 said:
Hi everyone. Im new here. Ive never beento any of these kinds of sites like chat. But i have nowhere else to turn.

My name is Lisa. Ive been married for just over one month and have a newborn daughter.
I just found a bunch of naked women and porn in my husbands mail,which he lied to me about. and when we are out in public i would catch him look at other women. I am beyond hurt that i am just mad all day long. I feel betrayed, angry, hurt, everything rolled into one. I just cant seem to get passed it. i just cant stop thinking about it or anything. i try to forgive him & ill be better for like one hour if that then something sets me off again. I dont know what to do .
Click to expand...
Forgiveness is the hardest to swallow. For some reason you have to ask for to be able to forgive for the first 2 or 3 months every hour it seems. Over time the forgiveness will stick and you can focus on other things. It is hard now because you are still hurt and saddened by it. I will pray for you but I agree with everyone else. You need to be strong in the LORD and ask someone at your church to help. I will be praying for you.
 
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Lucy68

Senior Member
#6
Jan 21, 2011
2,538
22
0
#6
Wonderland said:
Hi Lisa,
My husband and I are struggling through sexual issues as well. We're getting there, though, and I pray that you will too.

One thing that I've realized through all this is that men look at other women. My husband has gone to many many men in the church about this issue, and ALL of them say that they struggle with looking at other women. That part is fairly natural, and as long as your husband is faithful to you and you alone, you can feel secure that he chose you for a reason! (Or probably many reasons!) Even my pastor has admitted that he notices pretty ladies--and he talks about it to his wife. That's key--guys need to talk about it, but you need to be secure enough in your relationship to hear it. If you aren't, then he needs to find other men to share that with. My point is, KEEPING IT A SECRET WILL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE for you and for him.So here are my suggestions:

1) Pray about it. God's got this if you choose to give it to Him.
2) Seek support from other christians--men, women and married couples who have survived this issue.
3) See the issue through a man's eyes as well as your own. Men and women see things very differently, and we need to accept that men are hardwired for sex, as they need to accept that we are hardwired for single-minded devotion (yes, I'm generalizing, but overall these are very gender-true).
4) Be open to talking about it with him, even if it hurts. Like I said before, sin grows in the dark. The only way to root out darkness is to expose it to light. But by being open to talking with him, he has to feel safe to talk to you--that means no overreacting, blaming or otherwise shutting him down.
5) If you can't follow these steps, seek out a counseling professional who can guide and support you, BUT be picky about the counselor you trust. There are some really really good ones out there, and some really really worldly ones.

I really hope things work out for you. I can attest that with God's help, you and your husband can move past this.

Be blessed.
Click to expand...


Very well said and great advice!
 
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