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LanaH

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I am the daughter of a minister. All of my adult life, my father has talked down on my brother and I really bad. He has even gone to the extent of talking negatively about us to other people, or agreeing with negative things people say about us. Recently, we had a very heated argument about him doing this, and it came to the point that I just don't want to have anything else to do with him. That is because, I just don't understand how a parent/minister could do these types of things to their own children. Understandable that my brother and I are no angels, and I am not saying that he should uphold us when and if we do wrong. I just don't see how you could just talk so negatively about your own children or go against them for other people. This is something that I really don't want in my life or around my children, because I don't find this to be the nature of a true Christian. Am I really wrong for not wanting my father in my life any longer?
 
It's so sad when ministers don't live what they preach. And there are a lot out there who don't. At your age you have the right to disengage from anyone you don't feel is a good influence. Negative people bring out the negative in us so you should avoid that. But don't be mean or vengeful about it. Just distance yourself. Still be polite and respectful when you have to have contact, ask God to show him how he is hurting you. Don't repay evil for evil but overcome evil with good. In other words, don't talk bad about your dad to others, just keep that to yourself. It's none of anyone's business why you don't spend time with him. Show everyone around him that you are not all the bad things he says you are. Encourage your brother to do the same.

It will be hard if you attend the church he pastors. Perhaps you can find another church in your area, talk to the pastor there, without "gossiping" about it, just express your concerns. I prayed God opens his heart and he realizes how hurtful he's been and the damage it can cause.
 
Yes, I have talked to him several times about how the things he does affect me and how I feel about him, but nothing ever changes. Even during the heated argument that we recently had I let him know how I was feeling, but he wasn't trying to listen to what I was saying. I got so frustrated to the point that I just hung up the phone and rejected his calls afterwards, because I felt that what I was saying just wasn't getting through. It's very hurtful for him to do the things that he is doing to my brother and I, and it's even more hurtful when he is not trying to hear how we feel.
 
Will be praying for him for the Lord to open his eyes in Jesus name and for you too
God bless you
 
I am in no way trying to be mean but sometimes as children even adult children we take what our parents say the wrong way I am certainly guilty of that myself. I don't have enough info to give advice save to say pray on the problem and let Jesus guide you. Reflect on whether or not someone is being too defensive to the other. The way that is sounds from the post to me is that your dad is basically openly mocking you and your brother to other people which is terrible. However, since you are the ministers children could he be wanting to hold you and your brother to a higher standard? I know I hold my children to higher standards. I would try talking with him again without defenses keep an open heart and mind.

God Bless
 
I think the Christian thing to do is to forgive your father and understand that he is blind for whatever reason to the consequences of his actions. This cannot really be making him happy either but he is unable to see things clearly. You must hate the sin but love the sinner. Easy to say and I often fail to follow this advice myself.
 
The thing is, I am not misinterpreting what he says, because he is not the type to bite his tongue about what he says. My brother and I are the same way. He became a minister after we were adults, and yes he does hold very high standards for us and always has. At the same time, I feel that I have to do what makes me happy, not what makes him happy. When I graduated from college with my associates degree, he said nothing. When one of his church members' son graduated from college, he helped fund a graduation party for him and went to his graduation. This is not something that I find to be normal for anybody, minister/christian or otherwise.
 
Give God time to work on your father's heart. (Moses was in the desert 40 years before God called him to free His people. it has at most been 9 since God started working on your father's. It may take more time.)

Live a life that is pleasing to your Heavenly Father and just pray for your earthly one.

If he continues to bad mouth you and your brother, just give him a copy of James 3 and ask for his prayers and blessings and not his curses over your lives.
 
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So sorry you're feeling unloved by your dad! I doubt he will ever understand what you're saying. He may have the perspective that since you're HIS daughter he can dictate everything to you and is perfectly within his rights as a parent to criticize everything you do. What a negative person...must be very depressing to be around him.

For one thing as his child you may view yourself as you think he sees you; so you're always down on yourself with little self-confidence. Since you're older you can distance yourself emotionally from him(and limit contact?) but still honor him as your father. Build your relationship with your HEAVENLY Father, then you will see yourself through His eyes and the Holy Spirit will lead you into green pastures. Your earthly father may be unintentionally leading you into mud holes.

The main thing about the gospel is God's love and when people focus only on His judgment, they miss the main point.

When we are treated unfairly this is a huge opportunity for spiritual growth. Don't let the hurt turn into resentment, or you'll miss the lesson in the trial. I have a similar situation with my dad and siblings so I'm also dealing with hurt and rejection. But we have our Christian family of believers to help us out and especially the love of our Creator.

Praying for you! May the Spirit lead you into loving forgiveness and healthy self-esteem :)
 
LanaH said:
Yes, I have talked to him several times about how the things he does affect me and how I feel about him, but nothing ever changes. Even during the heated argument that we recently had I let him know how I was feeling, but he wasn't trying to listen to what I was saying. I got so frustrated to the point that I just hung up the phone and rejected his calls afterwards, because I felt that what I was saying just wasn't getting through. It's very hurtful for him to do the things that he is doing to my brother and I, and it's even more hurtful when he is not trying to hear how we feel.
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Its so very difficult and painful and incomprehensible why those who are 'meant' to love us...hurt us. Yes, your dad is a minister, but firstly he is just a human being, a sinner like all of us. He does some good stuff, and some not so good stuff! I am sure he does love you...in his own way. You do not say if you are a Christian? if you are, the teachings on forgiveness and long suffering would apply :) but of course, are not easy to do so, for anyone. I also note you 'hung up the phone'. Maybe you live a long way from your father? but if not, you would be best to talk with him face to face, deliberately making sure that you allocated time for one another to talk this through undisturbed. If you do live a long way away, can you visit? Talking on the phone is not easy, especially when it comes to emotional issues such as this. What we say to one another can so easily be misconstrued, ignored, dismissed & miss-understood etc. You say nothing ever changes...it can. Pray for this relationship, for him and to be able to love him unconditionally despite his behaviour. God can restore this, build it, but it may take time...but, even if it is not, I know that you can grow and be pain free. You can also be an awesome witness to your father...you never know...it could be through you that God will wreak the change!! God Bless you, and never forget you are always a most precious daughter if you are safely redeemed by Christ. <><
 
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My Dad died when i was 16, we had a good relationship. He unknowingly to me was hard on some of my siblings. My brother can't forgive my father. I pray about it all the time. I wish my Dad would have made peace before he died. I Will pray for you.
 
Fenner said:
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. My Dad died when i was 16, we had a good relationship. He unknowingly to me was hard on some of my siblings. My brother can't forgive my father. I pray about it all the time. I wish my Dad would have made peace before he died. I Will pray for you.
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Being a parent is such a responsibility, when i had my children I did not realise the depth of this. It has grown with me, as they have. I make mistakes, i get things wrong but i do know I got one thing right. My children know I love them, unconditionally. But...I do not always love the way they behave!! Through coming to know God, God has guided me to be a better parent but He has also shone light onto the things I get or even got wrong. This is good because I have been able to go to my children and say sorry. Then it is gone. We do not dwell on it, instead we dwell on what we have now. God is Good. All the Time. God Bless, <><
 
I want to thank all of you for your kind words and advice in this situation. You all have really helped me to get through this situation, and given me a brighter outlook on my life as a woman and as a Christian. I am so happy to have so many Christian believers to give me positive advice. God Bless each and everyone of you. Again, Thank you!!!
 
Don't give up on your father. I know from reading your post its been rough for you. Gain perspective in discovering Gods truth. Pray that God will change some of your fathers ways with treating you. He needs to have faith himself, that his children sometimes have to learn life in their own way and not to be so critical of them. Parenting is all about long suffering with them.
blessings x,
halogrl
 
Was the other graduate a special case at all like it was a significant feat or his dad couldn't afford much it was charity? Either way I'm sorry for your situation. My dad's not very "stable" so my family has distanced ourselves from him. It must be hard that he is nice to everybody else though. My dad's just a jerk to everybody. If I was in your situation, before I severed any connection I'd say, "Dad, I know somebody who could benefit from your spiritual wisdom. There is somebody who gets hurt all of the time because she's not getting treated fairly by her father. She really loves him but doesn't know what to do anymore. Maybe as a pastor you could give her dad some good fatherly advice. I'd really appreciate it if you talk to him." Then hand him a mirror and leave.
 
LanaH,

I think people in this thread have given some very prudent and circumspect advice.

Although you will need to forgive him, that doesn't necessarily mean you need to be around him if he isn't willing to change.
That is something you and God need to sort out.

It would be good for you to get some counsel,
but at the same time, it isn't going to help you, or your father,
if you do it in a way that will embarrass or humiliate him.
 
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