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Hello All. I am new to this site and I actually have some reservations in posting here. I have a lot of issues/fears of developing true friendships and other issues from my past that I am dealing with plus I am extremely busy, so please don't get frustrated with me if I don't answer back quickly. With that disclaimer, I am in need of some deep answers and healing.
Some background relevant to my situation: I was raised in an extremely abusive home where I was abused in all ways, in one form or another, for a very long time, from the time I was born to early adulthood. The one abusing me was my dad and although my other siblings were abused, the brunt of the abuse was on me. All the while, my abuser would tell me about the love of Jesus and God. My abuser often used God as an excuse for his actions or he acted as if God condoned his actions. I was so confused over who God was but even in my young age I tried to serve Him, although I didn't know it was for the wrong reasons (mainly pride, as in I'm right, you're wrong and fear because I thought if I did anything bad God would do to me what my dad did).
In 2010, I finally understood the gospel and was saved by the true Love and Grace of Christ Jesus but my life is in shambles and I don't know if I am angry at God, God is playing a cruel joke on me, God is using me as an experiment, or I'm just plain cursed. I need help and I've forgotten how to pray. I met and married a man who claims Christianity. He isn't a bad man but he frequently mistreats me. He controls me and is very self centered. If he doesn't want to watch the kids, help around the house, even go to work, then he won't. I love him but I feel trapped sometimes when I try to talk to him.
He blames all of our problems on me and my abuse ridden past. He can never be wrong. I found that I stopped doing the things I love because of him and where I used to be happy and bubbly, I am now withdrawn and self conscious, anxious, nervous and unhappy. To make things worse, I always wanted to have a lot of children when I decided that I would get married. I now know that this can't be the case because I get extremely sick during pregnancy to the point where I am hospitalized and my unborn child's life as well as my own is in danger. I have the worse pregnancies known to man and my health has suffered greatly.
Finally, my newborn child was born with heart defects and Down Syndrome. I love my baby and the disabilities don't change that but when is it enough? Am I being punished by God? Am I such a bad person that I deserve to be in misery my whole life? I'm not a pessimistic person by any means. In fact, I'm an eternal optimist filled with hope that things will get better and that God will use me and my family for His purpose to His Glory and our good but I am faltering right now.
I'm trying to understand why are these things happening to me while those who don't even love God or blatantly hate Him are doing great. Even if God hates me, then why involve my children? It's not their fault they were born? Why should my child suffer for what I did wrong? Please help me. I need answers and hope. Thank you.
Some background relevant to my situation: I was raised in an extremely abusive home where I was abused in all ways, in one form or another, for a very long time, from the time I was born to early adulthood. The one abusing me was my dad and although my other siblings were abused, the brunt of the abuse was on me. All the while, my abuser would tell me about the love of Jesus and God. My abuser often used God as an excuse for his actions or he acted as if God condoned his actions. I was so confused over who God was but even in my young age I tried to serve Him, although I didn't know it was for the wrong reasons (mainly pride, as in I'm right, you're wrong and fear because I thought if I did anything bad God would do to me what my dad did).
In 2010, I finally understood the gospel and was saved by the true Love and Grace of Christ Jesus but my life is in shambles and I don't know if I am angry at God, God is playing a cruel joke on me, God is using me as an experiment, or I'm just plain cursed. I need help and I've forgotten how to pray. I met and married a man who claims Christianity. He isn't a bad man but he frequently mistreats me. He controls me and is very self centered. If he doesn't want to watch the kids, help around the house, even go to work, then he won't. I love him but I feel trapped sometimes when I try to talk to him.
He blames all of our problems on me and my abuse ridden past. He can never be wrong. I found that I stopped doing the things I love because of him and where I used to be happy and bubbly, I am now withdrawn and self conscious, anxious, nervous and unhappy. To make things worse, I always wanted to have a lot of children when I decided that I would get married. I now know that this can't be the case because I get extremely sick during pregnancy to the point where I am hospitalized and my unborn child's life as well as my own is in danger. I have the worse pregnancies known to man and my health has suffered greatly.
Finally, my newborn child was born with heart defects and Down Syndrome. I love my baby and the disabilities don't change that but when is it enough? Am I being punished by God? Am I such a bad person that I deserve to be in misery my whole life? I'm not a pessimistic person by any means. In fact, I'm an eternal optimist filled with hope that things will get better and that God will use me and my family for His purpose to His Glory and our good but I am faltering right now.
I'm trying to understand why are these things happening to me while those who don't even love God or blatantly hate Him are doing great. Even if God hates me, then why involve my children? It's not their fault they were born? Why should my child suffer for what I did wrong? Please help me. I need answers and hope. Thank you.