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So I'll have to do it a little first and foremost what is so Awesome to me is no matter how far I stray even when I sometimes know I am doing it he's always been there waiting with open arms , that kind of love is unmatched I for the first time in my life realize why I should always "Turn the other cheek" because it seems no matter what I do to hurt my father he is always there smiling with open arms all the while knowing I am weak and will probably stray away again. That friend's is the kind of love that I want to have for my brother's and sister's in Christ as well as those who do not know him. Sorry if it seems I ramble God has given me so much insight into my own wretched ways over the last 72 hours or so I am having a little problem processing it all. I have strayed away from God for a while now I got too caught up in serving money , you know the drill there's never enough of it. I make a pretty good living at my Job and better than some have been Blessed with but it was never enough. Well it wasn't just God and myself I was doing all of my Brother's and sister's a great injustice as well. Almost every single person I met the first thoughts through my mind were what are their motive's ? What are they gonna want if I befriend them? Finally what can they do for me in return? Then on the off chance that someone did get close then the Judging began when they needed something I would nit pick every details of there life so that I could see if they were worthy of my help, again wanting to find some reason to not help them. So I was passing judgement on every one to justify my own greed in my mind. Funny how that was happening seeing how my Favorite thing to tell people "Judge not lest ye be Judged". I made and saved a lot of worthless money but for it I lost a piece of me that was much more valuable , my ability to enjoy life and love other's . One of God's Angel's my mom and I were talking one evening and I told her Mom I've lost something I'm just drifting through this life and I can't seem to really enjoy life anymore the way I should and I can't pinpoint why? I started naming off past hurts , life experiences etc. Well mom stopped me mid excuses and said son how is your relationship with God? The light bulb went off after me denying that could possibly be it because that couldn't possibly been it and so I made the resolution I am going to start reading my Bible ,and talking to God more every day it was I'm gonna do this much today and everyday a different excuse why I couldn't do it when that time rolled around. It was frustrating. So finally last Sunday on my day off I actually set my alarm clock instead of sleeping in and went back to the church I used to attend on a regular basis. Our Pastor preached a sermon that seemed custom tailored to me and during prayer I did something I had not done in a very very long time I bowed my head and talked to God with no selfish motive's I simply asked him to let his will be done in my life and thanked him for all of the things he had already blessed me with. I left there that afternoon not feeling much different inside but reminding myself it's his time not our own. The next day about the same something's missing feeling inside , that afternoon and really quite suddenly the floodgates opened one of the many people I had been judging quite harshly even though I barely knew them had come by to babysit while my fiance drove me to work, and sitting there with my fiance and them I felt something it was unconditional love and compassion for another human being all of a sudden it did not matter to me what this person had done I wanted to lift them up instead of tearing them down. Praise God I felt compassion for someone I had made myself despise over things that were very minor to me in comparison to the things I myself had done trying to save that almighty dollar. Then something else it was revealed to me I could leave our children every material thing in the world when I pass but if I don't leave them the gift of God's love I have left them nothing. My priorities became so clear for the first time ever which is funny because I am the world's biggest priority nut. My own priority's had been so messed up order was that I should not have even bothered having any. Something else that has not happened in the 36 years of my life all of the hurt , anger that I had held onto for so long but had convinced myself that it was not possible to do just vanished I for the first time was able to honestly answer the questions in my own mind about had I truly forgiven because I said the word's but the hurt, the anger was still there always in the back of my mind hindering any chance me ever truly forgiving. The hurt and anger was just gone I am still in awe of it all. I can vaguley remember what it was all about now but 5 days ago I could have told you word for word what had happened. I have to go to work now friends and still have a lot to testify to and I know it's a book but Praise God I feel compelled to shout it all from a rooftop so please bear with me my brother's and sister's but I have to let it out all of the great things he has done with my heart and my mind is overflowing and I feel like if I don't give it away I will explode inside, I just can't describe the joy and sense of completeness I feel inside right now Praise God! God Bless you all I will be back later!