R
ryansdaddy052606
Guest
Hey everyone,
I am here because, though I have really turned my life around from 12 months ago, I have lost two people who in the end mean a whole, whole lot to me. Twelve months ago, December 2008 my marriage had completely fallen apart. It really was my fault. On and off over the years, and the six years my wife and I were together, I job hopped and avoided family. The peak of our time together was when I celebrated a year anniversary on a job, only to quit the job shortly thereafter. We had a child in 2006 and I really enjoyed spending time with him. While my wife worked I was a stay at home daddy. Well, somewhat. My newfound boredom from quitting my job and in between changing diapers and otherwise taking care of my son, I became more and more addicted to the Internet. Sadly I became hooked on pornography and was looking at some rather vulgar stuff. It was a pill I couldn't put down. At one point, in the fall of 2008 it had gotten to where I would just sit in the computer room in our home and eat supper, while my wife and son were sitting at the table in the living room
That's really sad. To top that, I had started crossdressing to satisfy sexual desires and even got connected with a bad crowd online who I let convince me that my unhappiness may have had something to do with me not being a man on the inside. So I was also taking hormones, at first self-prescribed (very dangerous) then under a physician's care. I had started spending some of my wife's money on women's lingerie and clothing and hormones. I became totally disconnected from my wife and even though I really enjoyed every moment with my son I looked forward to moments when he would be napping and I could look at pornography. If that wasn't bad enough I made a sex video movie for men online, and apparently my son's voice can be heard in the background somewhere (my wife possesses the dvd and claims that I might have subjected my son to this stuff, which I did not), and I honestly do not remember him EVER being awake when doing any of that activity. I never wanted him to see that stuff. In December 2008 when I found a job my wife took the opportunity to pack up everything and run back to her home state of Massachusetts, where she and our son could be safe. I was really angry at her for doing this, and at first I truly could not "see" the forest before the trees. I could not "see" what I had become. I could not "see" that I had totally abandoned my wife and that I was setting a poor example of a father. I could not "see" how much I had hurt my wife. Not to make excuses, but the estrogen that was pumped into my body literally did something to my emotions and the way I was thinking. After I had been off the estrogen for at least a month or more, and after I had started seeing a therapist who helped me sort out where my life was heading and helped me to regain the "male" in me, it became crystal clear. I had let EVERYONE down, including God. I'm still learning every day, it's becoming more clear each day how much I hurt others. The pain I have caused others goes way back, years before my wife and I had ever met. I did experience a lot of neglect as a child and that did put a strain on my relationship with others in my family, and made it difficult for me to develop and maintain relationships going from my teen years into adulthood. To this day I have a lot of difficulty trusting others, but to be honest it's people that I don't feel are "good" people that I don't trust. When a person comes off to me as having a good heart I'm in bright spirits. After not knowing where my son and wife were for nearly six months she was located and served divorce papers. Why did I serve her with a divorce? Because I wanted to be with my son again, and she wasn't responding to my email or messages I left with her family. I had been advised, legally, that if I wanted to see my son again I would have to file for divorce. It's not something I wanted to do, though. It hurts my soul that I filed for divorce, because if anyone deserved to be served papers, it was me. She and I had our problems, every couple does, but she was the best thing to ever happen to me. There is only one "sweety" that I know, or want to know. Every time I think of her receiving the divorce papers I want to just run up to her, hug her and tell her that it's only a bad dream. I wish I could make the divorce go away. Deep down I feel she wishes she could, too. I mean, if she were to ask me if I still wanted a divorce I would say NO I DO NOT. If she were to promise me that if I cancelled the divorce she would come back to me or at least let my son be a real SIGNIFICANT (not just a "visitor") part of my life again I would do it. Lately I have been thinking about how I can get back on track with God. I have a Bible, the KJV (large print) but I don't know where to start. I have asked God to show me how to "read" his book, but so far I've either not heard his answer or I'm not ready to devote myself to his book. I'm also looking for a church. I always feel safe and secure and "at home" when I am in a Christian church. It's where I don't have to listen to the vulgarity of the world, listen to yelling and screaming, or have to constantly face temptation. I know that my wife feels I am just "saying words" and I don't blame her for not taking me seriously. But I realize that only WE know the truth about ourselves. I KNOW that I am nothing like the jerk, the sex addict, the bum that I was 12 months ago. I have my priorities straight. My visits with my son in a supervised visitation program have gone great, but they are not enough. I really miss my little 3 1/2 year old boy. I really, REALLY miss my wife. I miss holding her and telling her that she's the best thing to ever happen to me. I miss listening to her problems, telling her what a great mother she is, thanking her for dinner, rubbing her back. I don't know if I will ever have those things again, and I wouldn't want them with anyone else. I believe that God intended for my wife and I to stay together for eternity. She is the only woman I have ever really loved. My current project is to start working on the spiritual me, to be the best I can be on the inside.
I am here because, though I have really turned my life around from 12 months ago, I have lost two people who in the end mean a whole, whole lot to me. Twelve months ago, December 2008 my marriage had completely fallen apart. It really was my fault. On and off over the years, and the six years my wife and I were together, I job hopped and avoided family. The peak of our time together was when I celebrated a year anniversary on a job, only to quit the job shortly thereafter. We had a child in 2006 and I really enjoyed spending time with him. While my wife worked I was a stay at home daddy. Well, somewhat. My newfound boredom from quitting my job and in between changing diapers and otherwise taking care of my son, I became more and more addicted to the Internet. Sadly I became hooked on pornography and was looking at some rather vulgar stuff. It was a pill I couldn't put down. At one point, in the fall of 2008 it had gotten to where I would just sit in the computer room in our home and eat supper, while my wife and son were sitting at the table in the living room
That's really sad. To top that, I had started crossdressing to satisfy sexual desires and even got connected with a bad crowd online who I let convince me that my unhappiness may have had something to do with me not being a man on the inside. So I was also taking hormones, at first self-prescribed (very dangerous) then under a physician's care. I had started spending some of my wife's money on women's lingerie and clothing and hormones. I became totally disconnected from my wife and even though I really enjoyed every moment with my son I looked forward to moments when he would be napping and I could look at pornography. If that wasn't bad enough I made a sex video movie for men online, and apparently my son's voice can be heard in the background somewhere (my wife possesses the dvd and claims that I might have subjected my son to this stuff, which I did not), and I honestly do not remember him EVER being awake when doing any of that activity. I never wanted him to see that stuff. In December 2008 when I found a job my wife took the opportunity to pack up everything and run back to her home state of Massachusetts, where she and our son could be safe. I was really angry at her for doing this, and at first I truly could not "see" the forest before the trees. I could not "see" what I had become. I could not "see" that I had totally abandoned my wife and that I was setting a poor example of a father. I could not "see" how much I had hurt my wife. Not to make excuses, but the estrogen that was pumped into my body literally did something to my emotions and the way I was thinking. After I had been off the estrogen for at least a month or more, and after I had started seeing a therapist who helped me sort out where my life was heading and helped me to regain the "male" in me, it became crystal clear. I had let EVERYONE down, including God. I'm still learning every day, it's becoming more clear each day how much I hurt others. The pain I have caused others goes way back, years before my wife and I had ever met. I did experience a lot of neglect as a child and that did put a strain on my relationship with others in my family, and made it difficult for me to develop and maintain relationships going from my teen years into adulthood. To this day I have a lot of difficulty trusting others, but to be honest it's people that I don't feel are "good" people that I don't trust. When a person comes off to me as having a good heart I'm in bright spirits. After not knowing where my son and wife were for nearly six months she was located and served divorce papers. Why did I serve her with a divorce? Because I wanted to be with my son again, and she wasn't responding to my email or messages I left with her family. I had been advised, legally, that if I wanted to see my son again I would have to file for divorce. It's not something I wanted to do, though. It hurts my soul that I filed for divorce, because if anyone deserved to be served papers, it was me. She and I had our problems, every couple does, but she was the best thing to ever happen to me. There is only one "sweety" that I know, or want to know. Every time I think of her receiving the divorce papers I want to just run up to her, hug her and tell her that it's only a bad dream. I wish I could make the divorce go away. Deep down I feel she wishes she could, too. I mean, if she were to ask me if I still wanted a divorce I would say NO I DO NOT. If she were to promise me that if I cancelled the divorce she would come back to me or at least let my son be a real SIGNIFICANT (not just a "visitor") part of my life again I would do it. Lately I have been thinking about how I can get back on track with God. I have a Bible, the KJV (large print) but I don't know where to start. I have asked God to show me how to "read" his book, but so far I've either not heard his answer or I'm not ready to devote myself to his book. I'm also looking for a church. I always feel safe and secure and "at home" when I am in a Christian church. It's where I don't have to listen to the vulgarity of the world, listen to yelling and screaming, or have to constantly face temptation. I know that my wife feels I am just "saying words" and I don't blame her for not taking me seriously. But I realize that only WE know the truth about ourselves. I KNOW that I am nothing like the jerk, the sex addict, the bum that I was 12 months ago. I have my priorities straight. My visits with my son in a supervised visitation program have gone great, but they are not enough. I really miss my little 3 1/2 year old boy. I really, REALLY miss my wife. I miss holding her and telling her that she's the best thing to ever happen to me. I miss listening to her problems, telling her what a great mother she is, thanking her for dinner, rubbing her back. I don't know if I will ever have those things again, and I wouldn't want them with anyone else. I believe that God intended for my wife and I to stay together for eternity. She is the only woman I have ever really loved. My current project is to start working on the spiritual me, to be the best I can be on the inside.
Love to read about Jesus. One of the most remarkable stories I think is about the woman at the well. It's in John 4.