U
Ugly
Guest
Hi all
Just thought i'd share what i learned last night. I was raised in a 'church going family', and we weren't even good at that, haha. I was saved at 14. I've had a very difficult walk. For 22 years i felt something was wrong with my walk, and i couldn't figure out what, or how to fix it. I would sometimes be amazed at how personal peoples walks with God were, but always felt God was distant. Sure, there were times i knew God had done things, and i 'understood' that God is always there. But still, i felt disconnected.
I recognized this problem i had over the years, it would come to me on and off, but never really sink in. And even when i did see it, i didn't know how to handle it. Maybe thats why i kept pushing it away. Anyways, the past two years i've experienced a lot of growth in different areas of my faith. Its been great, but something was still missing. Then here came that old thought i kept pushing away. And this time i decided to deal with it. I didn't know how, but i knew this was central to a lot of problems in my life and faith. I've enjoyed being a Christian. I've enjoyed the things i've done over the years as acts of service to God and others. But, no matter how glad i was... i learned i didn't 'love' God. Its kind of a shocking thing to admit to yourself after 20 years of trying to tell yourself otherwise. But it made sense. This is what has been missing.
So two years ago i set out to figure out why, and how to change that. My first thought was 'personal baggage', or maybe 'personality problems'. For example, close friends. The closest friends i've ever had, i never thought 'i love them'. Not even a friendship love. Not that i didn't care, i just didn't love. Even if they told me they loved me as a friend, i let them know not to expect to hear it back. So, this is the kind of thing i thought was my problem, so i thought i just needed to 'make' myself love God. I've been trying that for two years, no success. But last night, the light bulb came on.
What i learned was, i was trying to love God first, i felt i had to love God, so that God could in turn love me. Now, in my head i knew that wasn't how it worked. If you had asked me if i felt that way i'd have said no and meant it. But somehow, in my search, i got it backwards. I finally learned you don't teach yourself to love God, but you let yourself be loved by God. My love for God doesn't stem from, or grow from my own heart, my own abilities, or efforts. Gods love plants itself in me, and it draws out my love, so that love can grow towards Him. I mean, lets face it, have you ever had someone that you didn't love, love on you? Ever had a stranger or someone you barely know go out of their way in your time of need? Maybe repeatedly? Or someone who always finds a way to compliment you, even though you never return it? What happens? You can't help it, you draw closer to them. And now i know, thats what i need to do. I need to stop 'trying' to love God, and let God love me. Only then can i learn to love God back.
~ugly~
Just thought i'd share what i learned last night. I was raised in a 'church going family', and we weren't even good at that, haha. I was saved at 14. I've had a very difficult walk. For 22 years i felt something was wrong with my walk, and i couldn't figure out what, or how to fix it. I would sometimes be amazed at how personal peoples walks with God were, but always felt God was distant. Sure, there were times i knew God had done things, and i 'understood' that God is always there. But still, i felt disconnected.
I recognized this problem i had over the years, it would come to me on and off, but never really sink in. And even when i did see it, i didn't know how to handle it. Maybe thats why i kept pushing it away. Anyways, the past two years i've experienced a lot of growth in different areas of my faith. Its been great, but something was still missing. Then here came that old thought i kept pushing away. And this time i decided to deal with it. I didn't know how, but i knew this was central to a lot of problems in my life and faith. I've enjoyed being a Christian. I've enjoyed the things i've done over the years as acts of service to God and others. But, no matter how glad i was... i learned i didn't 'love' God. Its kind of a shocking thing to admit to yourself after 20 years of trying to tell yourself otherwise. But it made sense. This is what has been missing.
So two years ago i set out to figure out why, and how to change that. My first thought was 'personal baggage', or maybe 'personality problems'. For example, close friends. The closest friends i've ever had, i never thought 'i love them'. Not even a friendship love. Not that i didn't care, i just didn't love. Even if they told me they loved me as a friend, i let them know not to expect to hear it back. So, this is the kind of thing i thought was my problem, so i thought i just needed to 'make' myself love God. I've been trying that for two years, no success. But last night, the light bulb came on.
What i learned was, i was trying to love God first, i felt i had to love God, so that God could in turn love me. Now, in my head i knew that wasn't how it worked. If you had asked me if i felt that way i'd have said no and meant it. But somehow, in my search, i got it backwards. I finally learned you don't teach yourself to love God, but you let yourself be loved by God. My love for God doesn't stem from, or grow from my own heart, my own abilities, or efforts. Gods love plants itself in me, and it draws out my love, so that love can grow towards Him. I mean, lets face it, have you ever had someone that you didn't love, love on you? Ever had a stranger or someone you barely know go out of their way in your time of need? Maybe repeatedly? Or someone who always finds a way to compliment you, even though you never return it? What happens? You can't help it, you draw closer to them. And now i know, thats what i need to do. I need to stop 'trying' to love God, and let God love me. Only then can i learn to love God back.
~ugly~