As I drowned myself in tears at my desk yesterday afternoon, I felt it. It was a tiny nudge to an already vulnerable heart: self-pity. An emotion I could really do without. I thought to myself: I am an emotional train-wreck. My throat gave way and I sobbed, feeling sorry for myself, for my situation... and the waves of regret, of what-I-shoulda-dones, came crashing over me. I was really overwhelmed.
It happened just right after I hung up the phone. Rather, when my dad hung up the phone on me. It has been a crazy past 9 months. I have been away from home for far too long and things... well, let's just say they have a habit of not working out, for me at least. And my dad, he wasn't too happy about it or about the decisions I have been making. Over this trying period, I managed to keep the joy in my heart, I serve at my local church earnestly. I spend most of my time in my ministry. I seek out the counsel of Godly men and women.
So why, I asked myself, do I still feel... unhappy? As soon as that thought came to my mind, I felt ashamed. I was still under the illusion that I can do something with my situation. I still felt as if I was responsible in keeping the joy in my own heart. I was too blind to see and was too deaf to hear.
Matthew Henry once said, "There are storms that will try the firmest anchors." and he was referring to Psalm 73. Rightly so, as, in my storm, God is with me. He made me smile rather than letting me wallow in my sorrow. He made me appreciate good things that were otherwise ignored had I been in a different, more pleasant situation. He surrounded me with good company and kept me away from superficial, temporal pleasures of the world. He indeed upheld me with his right hand.
Paul wrote in Romans 8:28, "... in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It has been such a tremendous blessing to come to realize, with God's help and instruction, that WE do not see as He does. In this life, we see problems and trials, but God sees something else-- something far more important than the fleeting moments of pain and sorrow, with a side of emotional breakdown. He created us, knows us, knows and wants what's best for us because He loves us. His righteousness carried me through, is carrying me through and will forever carry me through.
As I wiped my tears away (and my desk, too), God told me these things as I opened my bible. It was as if He sat me down, held my hand, and comforted me with His presence. That was what it was like. I often wondered how other people could say that God brought them comfort. Yesterday, He did just that. Amazing. Awesome. Astounded. And grateful.
It happened just right after I hung up the phone. Rather, when my dad hung up the phone on me. It has been a crazy past 9 months. I have been away from home for far too long and things... well, let's just say they have a habit of not working out, for me at least. And my dad, he wasn't too happy about it or about the decisions I have been making. Over this trying period, I managed to keep the joy in my heart, I serve at my local church earnestly. I spend most of my time in my ministry. I seek out the counsel of Godly men and women.
So why, I asked myself, do I still feel... unhappy? As soon as that thought came to my mind, I felt ashamed. I was still under the illusion that I can do something with my situation. I still felt as if I was responsible in keeping the joy in my own heart. I was too blind to see and was too deaf to hear.
Matthew Henry once said, "There are storms that will try the firmest anchors." and he was referring to Psalm 73. Rightly so, as, in my storm, God is with me. He made me smile rather than letting me wallow in my sorrow. He made me appreciate good things that were otherwise ignored had I been in a different, more pleasant situation. He surrounded me with good company and kept me away from superficial, temporal pleasures of the world. He indeed upheld me with his right hand.
Paul wrote in Romans 8:28, "... in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." It has been such a tremendous blessing to come to realize, with God's help and instruction, that WE do not see as He does. In this life, we see problems and trials, but God sees something else-- something far more important than the fleeting moments of pain and sorrow, with a side of emotional breakdown. He created us, knows us, knows and wants what's best for us because He loves us. His righteousness carried me through, is carrying me through and will forever carry me through.
As I wiped my tears away (and my desk, too), God told me these things as I opened my bible. It was as if He sat me down, held my hand, and comforted me with His presence. That was what it was like. I often wondered how other people could say that God brought them comfort. Yesterday, He did just that. Amazing. Awesome. Astounded. And grateful.