A
Ok guys, second part to my testimony
I split into categories, to actually group and make sense though the two are related, intertwined into what made up my mindset. I was born into a semi-Christian family, semi-Christian meaning we went to church but did not have the heart there. So I knew the morals and had a little background knowledge of what it meant to be a child of God, but not fully. And of course we have the aspects of this world that affect us, worldly desires, thoughts, sin. So I was a half and half child, and honestly we cannot be half and half, we got to be a whole. Being halved with morals of God and morals of the world really sprouted horrible, horrible conflict in my mind up until April 5, 2013, which was last Friday, which was the very first time the Holy Spirit touched me!!! Anyways, I have only told one person about this, but I plan to have a talk with my parents about it. My father was a porn addict. (He still doesn't know that I know that he was, he is over it now and he has given his life to God, I just need to talk and let our family have no secrets And He was struggling with it, but he didn't let my mother and I know. I was about 4 at the time and I found a porn magazine of his, and that's when it went all downhill. As a child seeing that stuff and not developing a basis of what is good and bad, I did know it was bad to see people stripped down and lustful as a core knowledge, but the lust got after me, and I've been struggling with being a porn addict ever since I was 4, which sounds ridiculous, until now, 17. I used to think I didn't have a porn addiction but it got pretty serious, like I would spend days and days watching it, very, very unhealthy and disgusting. I used to think it was normal and it really drew me away from God. And the thing was I was going to church every Sunday. I know that doesn't make me a Christian, just by going to church every week, but the thing is I actually felt touched when I went to Church, but the next day I would be back to the addiction, and that really tore me apart, because I really wanted to be with God, but that darn porn, or rather Satan, really did not want me to be with Him. So I began to feel more and more guilty about watching it because church gave me the sense of knowing it is wrong. And that is good, it is good to know what is good and bad and to actually differentiate them. So then I became close with God for a moment of time and I cut back on the pornography, but then I watched it again and I was so mad at myself for failing and letting God down and it made me feel horrible and here goes the cycle of what many people go through that are trying to get over addictions. First you're doing great and then one slip up makes you depressed and feel so negative about yourself that you punish yourself by just giving in to it, and that's the problem, God forgives why can't we forgive ourselves. We will never get past any addiction by a cycle like that. So then I went back into the darkness and I hated it, and I used to question why people would cut themselves, but it happened. I thought it was a stupid, teenage thing that they did for attention, but the thing is, I was viewed by everyone as just a shy girl, or a Christian that wasn't fully touched. At school I was ashamed of God, which was horrible, because there are so many unbelievers at school that I just wanted to fit in. Sounds bad, right? But then again I had moments where I wanted to reach out to people, but I couldn't even get over my own addictions. So every time I failed, I got so mad at myself and I would punish myself by cutting. It was horrible. I moved to various methods of "punishment". Every time that I did watch porn, I would do something bad. I then replaced porn with chatting to men online and doing just terrible things. And I hated it so much, because I knew it was wrong. I was hurting the men and myself. With everything you do, even doing nothing, it affects the world. If you were to just lay there all day, you affect the world by contributing carbon dioxide. You could do anything you like, so why not do it for the better and for God? Something meaningful. And I thought about it, like I am affecting these men, pushing them toward more sin and hurting them by not influencing them with God. That still wasn't enough. But then came April 5, 2013, which is very recent The day before my prom and I was just thinking and I've always been uneasy about life, thinking what was the core of it, the purpose. I knew it was supposed to be God, but it hadn't been made sense in my mind. I kept gaining wisdom from God, I've been praying and He made everything clear to me all in one instance that I cried for 2 hours, and I was the type to not really enjoy showing emotion, whether it be alone or with anybody. But I was just soooo happy, just tears flooding of pure happiness because God showed to me that all life is about is just spending it with him. Not about the worldly aspects that man have made to be important, like finding a well-paying career, nice materialistic things, or any of those. It so simple put altogether, God just loves me. And in that instance I had no desire of lusting, I am saved and free and loved.... I AM SAVED, FREED, AND LOVED!! How awesome is that? That God took away everything bad that bound me so harshly, took it all away, right away all of it. My parents still don't know about the porn addiction I've struggled through, the cutting, oh and I had food issues as well, I've really kept in their minds that I loved God all through this time, but I am going to tell them because I know that I am free. My mother is saved and my father is saved, and now I am saved, God is amazing.
I split into categories, to actually group and make sense though the two are related, intertwined into what made up my mindset. I was born into a semi-Christian family, semi-Christian meaning we went to church but did not have the heart there. So I knew the morals and had a little background knowledge of what it meant to be a child of God, but not fully. And of course we have the aspects of this world that affect us, worldly desires, thoughts, sin. So I was a half and half child, and honestly we cannot be half and half, we got to be a whole. Being halved with morals of God and morals of the world really sprouted horrible, horrible conflict in my mind up until April 5, 2013, which was last Friday, which was the very first time the Holy Spirit touched me!!! Anyways, I have only told one person about this, but I plan to have a talk with my parents about it. My father was a porn addict. (He still doesn't know that I know that he was, he is over it now and he has given his life to God, I just need to talk and let our family have no secrets And He was struggling with it, but he didn't let my mother and I know. I was about 4 at the time and I found a porn magazine of his, and that's when it went all downhill. As a child seeing that stuff and not developing a basis of what is good and bad, I did know it was bad to see people stripped down and lustful as a core knowledge, but the lust got after me, and I've been struggling with being a porn addict ever since I was 4, which sounds ridiculous, until now, 17. I used to think I didn't have a porn addiction but it got pretty serious, like I would spend days and days watching it, very, very unhealthy and disgusting. I used to think it was normal and it really drew me away from God. And the thing was I was going to church every Sunday. I know that doesn't make me a Christian, just by going to church every week, but the thing is I actually felt touched when I went to Church, but the next day I would be back to the addiction, and that really tore me apart, because I really wanted to be with God, but that darn porn, or rather Satan, really did not want me to be with Him. So I began to feel more and more guilty about watching it because church gave me the sense of knowing it is wrong. And that is good, it is good to know what is good and bad and to actually differentiate them. So then I became close with God for a moment of time and I cut back on the pornography, but then I watched it again and I was so mad at myself for failing and letting God down and it made me feel horrible and here goes the cycle of what many people go through that are trying to get over addictions. First you're doing great and then one slip up makes you depressed and feel so negative about yourself that you punish yourself by just giving in to it, and that's the problem, God forgives why can't we forgive ourselves. We will never get past any addiction by a cycle like that. So then I went back into the darkness and I hated it, and I used to question why people would cut themselves, but it happened. I thought it was a stupid, teenage thing that they did for attention, but the thing is, I was viewed by everyone as just a shy girl, or a Christian that wasn't fully touched. At school I was ashamed of God, which was horrible, because there are so many unbelievers at school that I just wanted to fit in. Sounds bad, right? But then again I had moments where I wanted to reach out to people, but I couldn't even get over my own addictions. So every time I failed, I got so mad at myself and I would punish myself by cutting. It was horrible. I moved to various methods of "punishment". Every time that I did watch porn, I would do something bad. I then replaced porn with chatting to men online and doing just terrible things. And I hated it so much, because I knew it was wrong. I was hurting the men and myself. With everything you do, even doing nothing, it affects the world. If you were to just lay there all day, you affect the world by contributing carbon dioxide. You could do anything you like, so why not do it for the better and for God? Something meaningful. And I thought about it, like I am affecting these men, pushing them toward more sin and hurting them by not influencing them with God. That still wasn't enough. But then came April 5, 2013, which is very recent The day before my prom and I was just thinking and I've always been uneasy about life, thinking what was the core of it, the purpose. I knew it was supposed to be God, but it hadn't been made sense in my mind. I kept gaining wisdom from God, I've been praying and He made everything clear to me all in one instance that I cried for 2 hours, and I was the type to not really enjoy showing emotion, whether it be alone or with anybody. But I was just soooo happy, just tears flooding of pure happiness because God showed to me that all life is about is just spending it with him. Not about the worldly aspects that man have made to be important, like finding a well-paying career, nice materialistic things, or any of those. It so simple put altogether, God just loves me. And in that instance I had no desire of lusting, I am saved and free and loved.... I AM SAVED, FREED, AND LOVED!! How awesome is that? That God took away everything bad that bound me so harshly, took it all away, right away all of it. My parents still don't know about the porn addiction I've struggled through, the cutting, oh and I had food issues as well, I've really kept in their minds that I loved God all through this time, but I am going to tell them because I know that I am free. My mother is saved and my father is saved, and now I am saved, God is amazing.