The grammar is better on your second post except for the comma after the word "smiled" and that random "I" after the sixth sentence. I haven't the slightest idea what your story's about. I don't know the secret to writing a bestselling novel. There's an article on the Telegraph that says computer scientists have developed an algorithm which can predict with 84 percent accuracy whether a book will be a commercial success. Just do your own research on how to write a bestselling novel, proofread your posts, read the dictionary everyday, you are who you surround yourself with so surround yourself with people that with positive characteristics that you want for yourself, try to hang out with people who are smarter than you, listen to people who are smarter than you on the Internet, read books by people who are smarter. Someone once said, "Some me your friends and I'll show you your future." The English philosopher and mathematician Isaac Newton said, "If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." Watch good movies and shows on Netflix and YouTube, especially those that are intellectual or psychological.
