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My mom had me while she was still in college, unmarried, and with no job. She was attending a Christian college that, because she became pregnant, did not allow her to continue living in the dorms. So her only alternative was a group home for single pregnant women. She survived on the $10 a week they gave her for food, while still attending classes, finding a part-time job, and eventually graduating. For the most part, I think I was raised by babysitters, but I'm glad she did what she could to support us. I should mention that my father had no interest in my mom or me when she became pregnant, and some time before I was born he ended up in prison.
We soon moved closer to my mom's family, where she started her career and was able to send me to Christian schools. Money was always tight; we lived paycheck to paycheck, if even that. But we made it work. My mom always believed in God, even when she was doubting Him, or making decisions that weren't exactly Christ-like. She tried to raise me to believe as well.
However, in middle school and high school I lost all interest in religion. Church was boring for me, the youth program was dismal, and my "Christian" schools were full of hypocrites. I hated that environment, but I stayed in it anyway since it was all I'd ever known.
I met someone in 7th grade who soon became my best friend. She went to a public school and she and her dad still went to church--so we had the church thing in common. She also wasn't interested in religion, and was very open to rebelling in any way possible, which drew me to her. I wanted to be like her, because she understood hypocrisy and didn't want to be a part of it.
I was still in 7th grade when I began smoking weed, drinking, and having sex. I lived a double life; at school, I had only a few friends and I pretended to actually care about Christianity. With my public school friend, I was an entirely different person.
The summer before high school started, I was molested by my mom's boyfriend. I told her about it only a few days later and, initially, she believed me. Upon confronting her boyfriend about it, followed by his denial of it, soon I was the one lying. She didn't believe me anymore. She would've rather have her boyfriend around than believe me, or care what had happened to me.
When I started high school, nothing was going right. I didn't make the volleyball team, I didn't make the fall play, my grades were low, etc, etc, etc. And at the start of the spring semester, I learned a guy friend of mine had made a bet that I would sleep with him within two weeks if he asked me out. This was the last straw for me. I couldn't take all this bad news. I started cutting my wrists and intentionally overdosing on pain medication (never enough to give me more than bloodshot eyes).
I won't take you through every detail of high school, but there were some more events that ended up defining me. As a sophomore, my drunk ex-boyfriend raped me. As a junior, I was so unhappy I spent most of that year high. Then as a senior, I was put in rehab twice to deal with addiction and my depression. I also became pregnant, but had an abortion at four and a half months--something that drove me into a deeper depression.
I graduated high school and soon began college (with my sort of history, I'm still amazed I made it so far). It wasn't long before I was drinking night and day. Alcohol was my breakfast, my after-classes snack, my relax-before-and-after-work method, and my sleeping aid. I didn't even care about school anymore; all I wanted to do was drink.
I had a conversation with the father of who-would-have-been my daughter, after months of not speaking to him. I realized he was unusually happy; he'd always been depressed like me. Soon, I found out he'd become a Christian over the summer. He told me he couldn't deal with the guilt of what happened with us. I think God used him to speak to me, because after that conversation, I knew I needed to change.
I dumped all the alcohol I had stored up, then cried and prayed one night--a prayer that I think was my first real prayer in my entire life. I was drunk--but now I realize that this is where God found me; He said, "come as you are." I was horribly sick the next day, but it needed to be done. God was in the process of detoxing me. I didn't even want to look at alcohol. I went to one AA meeting, but it wasn't the place for me. I knew I just needed to get out of the living situation I was in, out of the environment I was in, and out of the school I was in.
I transferred to a Christian college, something I never thought I'd do when I was younger. Little by little, my faith grew and my happiness was unmistakenable. I changed majors because I knew what God was calling me to--Youth Ministry. I'm going back to school soon, where I'll also be leading an on-campus ministry that serves a local pro-life pregnancy resource center.
I've forgiven my mother for all the things in the past I was angry about. I've forgiven my father for giving up on my mother and me. I've forgiven all the guys I've encountered. I've forgiven myself.
My mother is currently unemployed, and we had to move in with a family member or we would have been homeless. I worry about her whenever I'm gone. We don't always have food, but we make due with what we do have. I know my life could be so much worse than it is now, so I try not to complain. God has been our provider from the beginning and He will to the end.
God has brought me out of darkness and into His light. I can't help but be happy and get so excited to share what He has done for me.
We soon moved closer to my mom's family, where she started her career and was able to send me to Christian schools. Money was always tight; we lived paycheck to paycheck, if even that. But we made it work. My mom always believed in God, even when she was doubting Him, or making decisions that weren't exactly Christ-like. She tried to raise me to believe as well.
However, in middle school and high school I lost all interest in religion. Church was boring for me, the youth program was dismal, and my "Christian" schools were full of hypocrites. I hated that environment, but I stayed in it anyway since it was all I'd ever known.
I met someone in 7th grade who soon became my best friend. She went to a public school and she and her dad still went to church--so we had the church thing in common. She also wasn't interested in religion, and was very open to rebelling in any way possible, which drew me to her. I wanted to be like her, because she understood hypocrisy and didn't want to be a part of it.
I was still in 7th grade when I began smoking weed, drinking, and having sex. I lived a double life; at school, I had only a few friends and I pretended to actually care about Christianity. With my public school friend, I was an entirely different person.
The summer before high school started, I was molested by my mom's boyfriend. I told her about it only a few days later and, initially, she believed me. Upon confronting her boyfriend about it, followed by his denial of it, soon I was the one lying. She didn't believe me anymore. She would've rather have her boyfriend around than believe me, or care what had happened to me.
When I started high school, nothing was going right. I didn't make the volleyball team, I didn't make the fall play, my grades were low, etc, etc, etc. And at the start of the spring semester, I learned a guy friend of mine had made a bet that I would sleep with him within two weeks if he asked me out. This was the last straw for me. I couldn't take all this bad news. I started cutting my wrists and intentionally overdosing on pain medication (never enough to give me more than bloodshot eyes).
I won't take you through every detail of high school, but there were some more events that ended up defining me. As a sophomore, my drunk ex-boyfriend raped me. As a junior, I was so unhappy I spent most of that year high. Then as a senior, I was put in rehab twice to deal with addiction and my depression. I also became pregnant, but had an abortion at four and a half months--something that drove me into a deeper depression.
I graduated high school and soon began college (with my sort of history, I'm still amazed I made it so far). It wasn't long before I was drinking night and day. Alcohol was my breakfast, my after-classes snack, my relax-before-and-after-work method, and my sleeping aid. I didn't even care about school anymore; all I wanted to do was drink.
I had a conversation with the father of who-would-have-been my daughter, after months of not speaking to him. I realized he was unusually happy; he'd always been depressed like me. Soon, I found out he'd become a Christian over the summer. He told me he couldn't deal with the guilt of what happened with us. I think God used him to speak to me, because after that conversation, I knew I needed to change.
I dumped all the alcohol I had stored up, then cried and prayed one night--a prayer that I think was my first real prayer in my entire life. I was drunk--but now I realize that this is where God found me; He said, "come as you are." I was horribly sick the next day, but it needed to be done. God was in the process of detoxing me. I didn't even want to look at alcohol. I went to one AA meeting, but it wasn't the place for me. I knew I just needed to get out of the living situation I was in, out of the environment I was in, and out of the school I was in.
I transferred to a Christian college, something I never thought I'd do when I was younger. Little by little, my faith grew and my happiness was unmistakenable. I changed majors because I knew what God was calling me to--Youth Ministry. I'm going back to school soon, where I'll also be leading an on-campus ministry that serves a local pro-life pregnancy resource center.
I've forgiven my mother for all the things in the past I was angry about. I've forgiven my father for giving up on my mother and me. I've forgiven all the guys I've encountered. I've forgiven myself.
My mother is currently unemployed, and we had to move in with a family member or we would have been homeless. I worry about her whenever I'm gone. We don't always have food, but we make due with what we do have. I know my life could be so much worse than it is now, so I try not to complain. God has been our provider from the beginning and He will to the end.
God has brought me out of darkness and into His light. I can't help but be happy and get so excited to share what He has done for me.
