Sometimes, on those dark days, when life just slaps you and slaps you and you think, "What is going on?!?!", those are the days when self-pity opens up wide and says, "Come on in, sweetie, and tell me all about it."
I had a moment like that yesterday.
When I look at my life as it is right now, right in this moment, I have a good life, but it is a friend-less life. I have acquaintances, yes, women that I can spend some time with on randomly scheduled days, but a friend, a tried and true, through good and bad, loving you when you're cranky, friend? Nope. And I never have...at least, I never have in the flesh.
Sometimes, I consider my self-compassion, which I lack. Why do I lack it? Could it be that I've never really seen it played out in my friendships? I am a harsh taskmaster to myself and also to others because of this. So it is that I am the one that can slip away, be forgotten, fade to memory, and their life go on as though I never was.
Okay, that is the self-pity. See? So the thing is, though it is true that I have never had the friendship David and Jonathan had, and let's be honest, few have, the thing is that one must take the time to realize that their life does, in fact, matter, even if you feel forgotten by everyone in the world.
You are not forgotten by God.
When self-pity opened up its arms and welcomed me in, I laid my head upon its shoulder and said, "Everyone forgets about me, cuts me out, drops me away and it's fine for them, they go on and never think of me." And then I added, "But not You, God. Not You." And self-pity let out a wail and shoved me away and left to wallow alone somewhere.
God has never forgotten me, never let me slip away, and for that reason, no matter how jaded I am about Christian relationships right now, no matter how cynical I am in regards to the existence of truly godly friendships, no matter how difficult it is for me to find and stay in a church home due to the cynicism that has found me because of vicious past wounds that I allowed to fester and am now allowing God to heal, despite all that, I will never push Him away.
I am so thankful that I had that love revelation I had years ago, because no matter how dark, bleak, friend-empty my life is, I will never turn my back on God, I will never push Christ away or run to the world for comfort, because I have tasted and seen true love and loyalty and I know where to find it every time: in His arms.
Thank You, my Love, for never, ever leaving me behind, never giving up on me, never letting me go. Where would I be without You? I never want to know. Shalom ve Ahava.
I had a moment like that yesterday.
When I look at my life as it is right now, right in this moment, I have a good life, but it is a friend-less life. I have acquaintances, yes, women that I can spend some time with on randomly scheduled days, but a friend, a tried and true, through good and bad, loving you when you're cranky, friend? Nope. And I never have...at least, I never have in the flesh.
Sometimes, I consider my self-compassion, which I lack. Why do I lack it? Could it be that I've never really seen it played out in my friendships? I am a harsh taskmaster to myself and also to others because of this. So it is that I am the one that can slip away, be forgotten, fade to memory, and their life go on as though I never was.
Okay, that is the self-pity. See? So the thing is, though it is true that I have never had the friendship David and Jonathan had, and let's be honest, few have, the thing is that one must take the time to realize that their life does, in fact, matter, even if you feel forgotten by everyone in the world.
You are not forgotten by God.
When self-pity opened up its arms and welcomed me in, I laid my head upon its shoulder and said, "Everyone forgets about me, cuts me out, drops me away and it's fine for them, they go on and never think of me." And then I added, "But not You, God. Not You." And self-pity let out a wail and shoved me away and left to wallow alone somewhere.
God has never forgotten me, never let me slip away, and for that reason, no matter how jaded I am about Christian relationships right now, no matter how cynical I am in regards to the existence of truly godly friendships, no matter how difficult it is for me to find and stay in a church home due to the cynicism that has found me because of vicious past wounds that I allowed to fester and am now allowing God to heal, despite all that, I will never push Him away.
I am so thankful that I had that love revelation I had years ago, because no matter how dark, bleak, friend-empty my life is, I will never turn my back on God, I will never push Christ away or run to the world for comfort, because I have tasted and seen true love and loyalty and I know where to find it every time: in His arms.
Thank You, my Love, for never, ever leaving me behind, never giving up on me, never letting me go. Where would I be without You? I never want to know. Shalom ve Ahava.
I like this. I know what you're feeling. Maybe you and I can become close friends.