G
Gaming_Drummer
Guest
I've mentioned this briefly before, but one of my biggest (possibly THE biggest) problems in life right now that has been going on for many years now is just what the thread title says: selfishness.
To start with, it's important to know this about me. I've always been a fairly private person who keeps to himself. I'm not a big social butterfly. By contrast, my younger brother is someone who hangs out with friends almost every day. Sure, while I'm at school I hang out with friends pretty much every day, but when I'm at home, hanging out requires more initiative and in my case, a lot of my friends don't live in the same city as me, although I have many friends in my hometown. Because of this, I usually only hang out once or twice a week at most. I'm fine with this, but sometimes I can't even manage to do this. It's a long story, but I'll try to make it as short as possible.
I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder in Kindergarten (18 years ago). At first my parents suspected I might have ADD, but it was later discovered to be anxiety. My anxiety has caused a lot of things in my life that I wish had not happened. The worst of these was what happened during my Sophomore year of High School. On the positive side, God worked through my anxiety to bring me to a state of heart and mind where I gave my life to him officially. However, this anxiety also had a negative side-effect.
That year of High School, I was also an extremely arrogant person, even before my anxiety came back that year after being at a fairly low level since 6th grade. I also had a major crush on a girl who happened to be a good friend of mine. Of course, when she started to fall for a guy who was also a good friend I had, it caused a lot of sadness in life. This along with my arrogance and the resurgence of anxiety (brought on by spiritual doubt, my disappointment over that girl, and also a natural predisposition towards anxiety) caused me to become very self-absorbed, and I stopped reaching out to friends outside of school other than things like e-mail and other social networking. This sort of became a habit, but I didn't realize just how bad of a habit this was until I saw what it could do to my social life.
Back during the early parts of high school, I was picked on quite a bit, and I had my run of unpopularity among certain people. As high school progressed, though, I became quite well-liked. By senior year, I probably had a couple dozen people I could call friends, several of whom I could call close friends.
I started to picture myself being at friends' weddings and parties and all that stuff after High School. I started to believe that they were my friends for life and that I was entitled to their friendship whether I hung out with them or not. I had become so wrapped up in the fact that I had friends, I had forgotten that friendships require dedication in order to continue. Since I had only been away from school for summer break before, I had grown used to coming back to my friendships in the Fall and picking up where I left off. However, at graduation, I figured this was pretty much the end of me seeing friends. This was because I was so self-absorbed and so used to not reaching out to people, I didn't think to get any phone numbers or plan hang out times after graduation. I think this is at least partially to blame for why I never had a girlfriend in high school as well.
Long story short, I continued to keep to myself all the time. I did begin to miss friends, but again, because of the habit of sticking to myself I had fallen into, it never even crossed my mind to hang out with friends. I remember several occasions where friends reached out to me, but I never took the chance to go spend time with them. In addition, my younger brother had lately started to point out my various social mistakes, and along with the sinking in of the fact that my high school friendships were no longer a part of my life, these things caused me to grow increasingly down on myself to the point where I had literally started to dislike who I was. This was in early 2008.
The first half of 2009 was possibly the darkest part of my life. I had a lot of anxiety due to worries about my health. These worried were brought on due to my younger brother's past experience with cancer. Of course, there was nothing wrong with me, but when you worry about your health, it can make you feel like there is something wrong and it becomes a habit to worry.
Fast forward to summer 2010, I had gotten out of a good portion of my anxiety about health and because I had realized for some time that friendships required dedication, I decided that since there were many people at my church that I liked, I would start to hang out with them. That summer, I hung out with them a lot and formed friendships with them that have, for the most part, lasted until now. However, the selfishness came back a couple of times between then and now, and while it hasn't cost me that much in terms of friendships, I have seen that changes need to be made.
For one thing, the time I spent down on myself from 2008 until today has worn away my confidence when it comes to people. It is coming back, but I still have a long way to go. Sometimes, this lack of confidence causes me to be afraid to ask people to hang out. As I've explained to other people before, I feel like I'm asking them for money when I ask them to hang out. When I told somebody else this, he basically told me that I need to get it through my head that I'm fun to hang out with. This has been happening to a degree, but sometimes my confidence is still low.
Also, I realize now that a lot of my selfishness comes from the same thing: lack of confidence. However, this isn't a lack of confidence in myself as a friend, but rather lack of confidence in a major area of life. For example, if I'm worried about health, I'll avoid people until I can find out that I'm healthy. If I'm down on myself about my drumming, I feel the need to prove to myself that I'm a good drummer before I'll allow myself to hang out with friends. I've figured out the primary solution to the problem here: I need to focus on other people instead of myself.
It's kinda ironic that I used to have all the confidence in the world but I didn't know how to maintain friendships. Now it's the opposite. I have a lot of people in my life that I really enjoy being with, but I'm still in a place where I'm very self-absorbed and despite the fact that I know that I need to enjoy time with friends and set time aside for them as often as possible, I sometimes am still afraid to ask people to hang out with me.
Again, this has gotten better, especially over this semester, but I'm nowhere near where I should be. I want to get back to the place where I am not only fully comfortable with asking friends to hang out, but where I also have a genuine desire to hang out with them. Granted, I do love hanging out with people, but when it comes to the initial part of reaching out to them, I have a tendency to take the easy (and lazy) way out and just keep to myself. I cannot afford to make the same mistake I did in high school, and I realize now more than ever before that friends are worth reaching out to and spending time with. But I want it to once again be comfortable for me to reach out to my friends.
Does anybody have any helpful advice for this? I know I have discovered some important things this semester, but I still have a ways to go before reaching out to friends is something that falls within my comfort zone. Asking people to hang out was comfortable for me once, so how can I get back to that?
To start with, it's important to know this about me. I've always been a fairly private person who keeps to himself. I'm not a big social butterfly. By contrast, my younger brother is someone who hangs out with friends almost every day. Sure, while I'm at school I hang out with friends pretty much every day, but when I'm at home, hanging out requires more initiative and in my case, a lot of my friends don't live in the same city as me, although I have many friends in my hometown. Because of this, I usually only hang out once or twice a week at most. I'm fine with this, but sometimes I can't even manage to do this. It's a long story, but I'll try to make it as short as possible.
I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder in Kindergarten (18 years ago). At first my parents suspected I might have ADD, but it was later discovered to be anxiety. My anxiety has caused a lot of things in my life that I wish had not happened. The worst of these was what happened during my Sophomore year of High School. On the positive side, God worked through my anxiety to bring me to a state of heart and mind where I gave my life to him officially. However, this anxiety also had a negative side-effect.
That year of High School, I was also an extremely arrogant person, even before my anxiety came back that year after being at a fairly low level since 6th grade. I also had a major crush on a girl who happened to be a good friend of mine. Of course, when she started to fall for a guy who was also a good friend I had, it caused a lot of sadness in life. This along with my arrogance and the resurgence of anxiety (brought on by spiritual doubt, my disappointment over that girl, and also a natural predisposition towards anxiety) caused me to become very self-absorbed, and I stopped reaching out to friends outside of school other than things like e-mail and other social networking. This sort of became a habit, but I didn't realize just how bad of a habit this was until I saw what it could do to my social life.
Back during the early parts of high school, I was picked on quite a bit, and I had my run of unpopularity among certain people. As high school progressed, though, I became quite well-liked. By senior year, I probably had a couple dozen people I could call friends, several of whom I could call close friends.
I started to picture myself being at friends' weddings and parties and all that stuff after High School. I started to believe that they were my friends for life and that I was entitled to their friendship whether I hung out with them or not. I had become so wrapped up in the fact that I had friends, I had forgotten that friendships require dedication in order to continue. Since I had only been away from school for summer break before, I had grown used to coming back to my friendships in the Fall and picking up where I left off. However, at graduation, I figured this was pretty much the end of me seeing friends. This was because I was so self-absorbed and so used to not reaching out to people, I didn't think to get any phone numbers or plan hang out times after graduation. I think this is at least partially to blame for why I never had a girlfriend in high school as well.
Long story short, I continued to keep to myself all the time. I did begin to miss friends, but again, because of the habit of sticking to myself I had fallen into, it never even crossed my mind to hang out with friends. I remember several occasions where friends reached out to me, but I never took the chance to go spend time with them. In addition, my younger brother had lately started to point out my various social mistakes, and along with the sinking in of the fact that my high school friendships were no longer a part of my life, these things caused me to grow increasingly down on myself to the point where I had literally started to dislike who I was. This was in early 2008.
The first half of 2009 was possibly the darkest part of my life. I had a lot of anxiety due to worries about my health. These worried were brought on due to my younger brother's past experience with cancer. Of course, there was nothing wrong with me, but when you worry about your health, it can make you feel like there is something wrong and it becomes a habit to worry.
Fast forward to summer 2010, I had gotten out of a good portion of my anxiety about health and because I had realized for some time that friendships required dedication, I decided that since there were many people at my church that I liked, I would start to hang out with them. That summer, I hung out with them a lot and formed friendships with them that have, for the most part, lasted until now. However, the selfishness came back a couple of times between then and now, and while it hasn't cost me that much in terms of friendships, I have seen that changes need to be made.
For one thing, the time I spent down on myself from 2008 until today has worn away my confidence when it comes to people. It is coming back, but I still have a long way to go. Sometimes, this lack of confidence causes me to be afraid to ask people to hang out. As I've explained to other people before, I feel like I'm asking them for money when I ask them to hang out. When I told somebody else this, he basically told me that I need to get it through my head that I'm fun to hang out with. This has been happening to a degree, but sometimes my confidence is still low.
Also, I realize now that a lot of my selfishness comes from the same thing: lack of confidence. However, this isn't a lack of confidence in myself as a friend, but rather lack of confidence in a major area of life. For example, if I'm worried about health, I'll avoid people until I can find out that I'm healthy. If I'm down on myself about my drumming, I feel the need to prove to myself that I'm a good drummer before I'll allow myself to hang out with friends. I've figured out the primary solution to the problem here: I need to focus on other people instead of myself.
It's kinda ironic that I used to have all the confidence in the world but I didn't know how to maintain friendships. Now it's the opposite. I have a lot of people in my life that I really enjoy being with, but I'm still in a place where I'm very self-absorbed and despite the fact that I know that I need to enjoy time with friends and set time aside for them as often as possible, I sometimes am still afraid to ask people to hang out with me.
Again, this has gotten better, especially over this semester, but I'm nowhere near where I should be. I want to get back to the place where I am not only fully comfortable with asking friends to hang out, but where I also have a genuine desire to hang out with them. Granted, I do love hanging out with people, but when it comes to the initial part of reaching out to them, I have a tendency to take the easy (and lazy) way out and just keep to myself. I cannot afford to make the same mistake I did in high school, and I realize now more than ever before that friends are worth reaching out to and spending time with. But I want it to once again be comfortable for me to reach out to my friends.
Does anybody have any helpful advice for this? I know I have discovered some important things this semester, but I still have a ways to go before reaching out to friends is something that falls within my comfort zone. Asking people to hang out was comfortable for me once, so how can I get back to that?
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