This is part two of my testimony, I told part of it before, but this is the part I don't like talking about. It's hard to talk about, becuse it's like why did this happen? Why did I allow things to get this bad and reach this level? I realize and take full responsability for it, because I KNOW that it was totally MY fault.
So...okay, well, I haven't always been the person you see today, the kind hearted, loving, tender hearted, would do anything for anyone type of person. Sure I loved God no matter what, and I loved my family...most of them...well how do I say this? I loved all of them no matter what, BUT at the same time...a couple of my family members I didn't really love them "less" but I had a really hard time loving them equally.
So I use to be, and can be at any given time if I'm not careful, I have to really stay disciplaned and all. This person who was just...dare I say it? a monster. I was...well...I was an extreamly selfish, horrible, cold, hateful, unappreciative, harsh, rude, disrespectful person and that's just a little of it.
I hated everything and everyone pretty much, except like God and a few family members. I was so full of anger and pure stright up flat out.....hatred. I allowed things to just continue to pile up on me and in my heart and life, I had a very hard heart for most of my life.
I would go around hitting walls, slamming doors, punching walls, cussing others behind their back, screaming, yelling, saying I hated people to their face, pitching fits, mad if I didn't get my way all the time, etc. I was so horrible I really was.
The problem was I never felt like dealing with things at the time they would happen, I always said to myself I'll deal with it later. I never did deal with things though, I would run from them and why? Well I was so manically depressed and all, but no one knew becuase I hid it from them through my actions, and they had no idea how to deal with me.
Also another reason, I thought I could just like literally "run" away from all my problems, pain, and everything, why did I think this? Well in all honesty, because my parents had always ran from theirs and from their responsabilities in life. They never setteled down.
I should have known better though, becuase my God-sent angels, my grandparents that raised me, taught me better than that. They worked all their life and sacrificed soooooooo much for me, they made sure I had everything I ever wanted and needed.
When I was sick they were there, when I was hurt, scared, lonely, anything they were there always.
I was so stupid and blinded by pain, rejection, and depression that I didn't see this!
They worked hard every day of the week, sometimes twelve hours a day, and sometimes on the weekend. Came home, took care of my sister and myself, helped us with homework, put us in bed, and everything else.
Speaking of my sister, she's like...so awesome. I treated her so badly though, I was so caught up in what was bothering me that I didn't think of others.
I thought I got saved when I was seven years old, but really I was just religous.
I was in a revival service at church ont he night of May 6, 2003 when I was fifteen years old, and I was listening to what the man preaching was saying. He was talking about heaven, hell, Jesus, God, the Trinity, Satan, everything. I knew all of this, I had heard it all my life, but this time....it was amazing!
I heard it in a way I had never heard before, I was just I couldn't turn away. I was sitting there literally on the edge of my seat, grasping the pew in front of me strongly. I felt something inside me I had never felt before, I had chills run down my spine, I had butterflies in my tummy, my heart was pounding! I heard him say, if you aren't saved, or you aren't sure of your salvation, you better get sure.
I'm not sure why on earth I did, but something told me to ask myself about my salvation/spiritual status and all. So I said to myself and at the same time the Lord was saying to me if you die you're going to go to hell. Oh boy, that's when the chills and butterflies and things really got me! I was beyond terrified, and so I then repented of all my sins and asked the Lord to save me and come into my heart and all.
This was a turning point for me for a while, but then I got backsliden on God so much being in school and all. I went back to my old ways, and hated it. Eventually though, God got such a strong hold on me that I straightened up again. Off and on for years I struggled like this, at times I still do. BUT I'm a really determined person to make sure I keep myself on track and live right.
God took me and changed me from that person, to a big, kind, sensitive, tender hearted person that'll do anything and everything she can for others. He has given me many gifts, and I can't thank and praise Him for everything. Life gets crazy at times, and makes us want to slip back into our old ways, but the thing is, with God all things are possible. Why do I say this? Because I know that with God, I can stay on track.
I want to be as humble and bold as I can be, He made me someone who isn't afraid to stand up for whom and what I believe in, God has changed me so much. I use to even be into self harm for a while, nothing serious really, like I didn't cut or anything, but I just did stupid things that hurt myself in many ways.
Wow this is uberly long sorry about that, but I'm not sorry because this is what GOD ALMIGHT has done for me! Thank and praise you Lord!
So...okay, well, I haven't always been the person you see today, the kind hearted, loving, tender hearted, would do anything for anyone type of person. Sure I loved God no matter what, and I loved my family...most of them...well how do I say this? I loved all of them no matter what, BUT at the same time...a couple of my family members I didn't really love them "less" but I had a really hard time loving them equally.
So I use to be, and can be at any given time if I'm not careful, I have to really stay disciplaned and all. This person who was just...dare I say it? a monster. I was...well...I was an extreamly selfish, horrible, cold, hateful, unappreciative, harsh, rude, disrespectful person and that's just a little of it.
I hated everything and everyone pretty much, except like God and a few family members. I was so full of anger and pure stright up flat out.....hatred. I allowed things to just continue to pile up on me and in my heart and life, I had a very hard heart for most of my life.
I would go around hitting walls, slamming doors, punching walls, cussing others behind their back, screaming, yelling, saying I hated people to their face, pitching fits, mad if I didn't get my way all the time, etc. I was so horrible I really was.
The problem was I never felt like dealing with things at the time they would happen, I always said to myself I'll deal with it later. I never did deal with things though, I would run from them and why? Well I was so manically depressed and all, but no one knew becuase I hid it from them through my actions, and they had no idea how to deal with me.
Also another reason, I thought I could just like literally "run" away from all my problems, pain, and everything, why did I think this? Well in all honesty, because my parents had always ran from theirs and from their responsabilities in life. They never setteled down.
I should have known better though, becuase my God-sent angels, my grandparents that raised me, taught me better than that. They worked all their life and sacrificed soooooooo much for me, they made sure I had everything I ever wanted and needed.
When I was sick they were there, when I was hurt, scared, lonely, anything they were there always.
I was so stupid and blinded by pain, rejection, and depression that I didn't see this!
They worked hard every day of the week, sometimes twelve hours a day, and sometimes on the weekend. Came home, took care of my sister and myself, helped us with homework, put us in bed, and everything else.
Speaking of my sister, she's like...so awesome. I treated her so badly though, I was so caught up in what was bothering me that I didn't think of others.
I thought I got saved when I was seven years old, but really I was just religous.
I was in a revival service at church ont he night of May 6, 2003 when I was fifteen years old, and I was listening to what the man preaching was saying. He was talking about heaven, hell, Jesus, God, the Trinity, Satan, everything. I knew all of this, I had heard it all my life, but this time....it was amazing!
I heard it in a way I had never heard before, I was just I couldn't turn away. I was sitting there literally on the edge of my seat, grasping the pew in front of me strongly. I felt something inside me I had never felt before, I had chills run down my spine, I had butterflies in my tummy, my heart was pounding! I heard him say, if you aren't saved, or you aren't sure of your salvation, you better get sure.
I'm not sure why on earth I did, but something told me to ask myself about my salvation/spiritual status and all. So I said to myself and at the same time the Lord was saying to me if you die you're going to go to hell. Oh boy, that's when the chills and butterflies and things really got me! I was beyond terrified, and so I then repented of all my sins and asked the Lord to save me and come into my heart and all.
This was a turning point for me for a while, but then I got backsliden on God so much being in school and all. I went back to my old ways, and hated it. Eventually though, God got such a strong hold on me that I straightened up again. Off and on for years I struggled like this, at times I still do. BUT I'm a really determined person to make sure I keep myself on track and live right.
God took me and changed me from that person, to a big, kind, sensitive, tender hearted person that'll do anything and everything she can for others. He has given me many gifts, and I can't thank and praise Him for everything. Life gets crazy at times, and makes us want to slip back into our old ways, but the thing is, with God all things are possible. Why do I say this? Because I know that with God, I can stay on track.
I want to be as humble and bold as I can be, He made me someone who isn't afraid to stand up for whom and what I believe in, God has changed me so much. I use to even be into self harm for a while, nothing serious really, like I didn't cut or anything, but I just did stupid things that hurt myself in many ways.
Wow this is uberly long sorry about that, but I'm not sorry because this is what GOD ALMIGHT has done for me! Thank and praise you Lord!