J
I know it's long, but please have an open heart. I come here to this site feeling very broken and taking to heart what my mother told me, I need to release the overwhelming anger in my heart and mind. She said to pray over it and that the devil puts hate and anger in my heart and since I feed into it I am allowing myself to become consumed by anger and guilt. I have always had this problem and "hid" it from myself by being in relationships and on helping my girlfriend at that moments problems instead of my own but my short temper and anger always came through and I admit my first few relationships I was not ideal and allowed my stubborn personality to come between us because I never fully wanted to open up to anyone before, but now the most amazing woman I've ever been with has told me that she doesn't love me the way she used to and hasn't for over a year and she has to leave me because I'm too "macho" meaning I'm stubborn, quick tempered (not with her though, she had severe depression and I loved her so much I would never do anything to upset her or lower her mood, she was unlike anyone else to I'd ever been in a relationship with), but most of all, just angry and untrusting of everyone in the world except for her and I. It was a massive block between us and I wanted to tear that wall down so many times but figured in her mental state of uncertain moods, being a strong figure was good for her. Now she's gone, and she was my only real tie to humanity, I deal with coworkers, and guys in my band, and a few childhood friends, but I don't talk about my feelings or my thoughts or dreams, I just joke around and pass time. Without her as someone I could share with, my mind is plaugued by recollections of every moment in my life I want to forget, everything that ever embarrased me, made me mad, hurt me, and it's all at once every moment of everyday. I can't form a sentence without feeling hatred fill me, without thinking about everything I want to forget. I know i can change, I hate feeling hate, which makes me even more upset and it's this constant cycle of self-deprication mixed with disconnection from humanity. Please, my name is Jonathan, pray that what my mom called "darts of evil" can stop penetrationg every moment of my life and I can try to be happy again. I'm not asking for her back, I wish i could be held again because my reputation is being a toughguy so I maintain distance with everyone but I needed that connection, I feel no love otherwise, I miss her so much. Buut first I need to change me, and right now I am just a vessel of hate and anger and I don't want it anymore, I just want to be happy without impulsively punching walls and kicking and screaming when I'm alone to the point I get migraines but can't sleep them off because my mind races with all these horrible thoughts while I'm alone so I stay awake all night screaming in silence because I don't trust anyone I know to know what I'm going through since I've always used the anger in my persona to build my character but I don't want to be this person anymore, it cost me too much (I'm leaving many other failures in my life out because losing Andrea, the person who made it all alright even for brief moments, has made things exponentially more difficult) so please, I am not perfect, I have fallen out of my own path with God and feel very unworthy, but If you could say a prayer to give me clarity from my own mind's anger, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you for reading.
By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.
