B
blueorchidjd
Guest
I guess what you could say right now is that I feel a large sense of...
Something.
And it absolutely disturbs me how far I allow myself to wander and how split open my heart is right now. It also bothers me that I am still trying to control the vehicle God is driving me around in.
There is a cloud of pride raining over my head as a write this and it is terribly annoying as well.
Do I allow God to untie my knots for me?
Who ties them back together again?
Should I even bother with this process.
Where are these miraculous revelations I'm supposed to have?
And I'm not going to lie.....God is working in my life.
He is changing my soul, he is developing in me a spirit that is opened to things around me, and it is a progressive process. He has placed a supernatural amount of levelheadedness in me when I am acting on the scriptures. But when I am alone at 12:45 in the morning, I find a rapid disconnect. Still trying to unwind my idle thoughts and to extinguish them before they produce a rapidly growing fire.
I am tired of seeking my own pleasures. I am tired of seeking my own wants and needs. I don't want anything else. I want to be free from my mind, I want to be free from my flesh. I want to be free from the law. And the truth is, through Christ I am free of these things. Except that the flesh is something I still battle.
Whenever I get to heaven I don't even know how I am going to react.
People tell me all the time about how they are going to ask Jesus millions of questions, but to be fully honest.......the thought of going up to Jesus and questioning him still intimidates me. Even if it is out of curiosity and love. Maybe there is a disconnect with me when it comes to fully understanding that he is with me at all times. Instead of this nonstop, holy, and all-encompassing force. Maybe this is the reason for a lot of things.
I am thankful that he is changing me.
I need every ounce of it.
This is the beginning again.
Something.
And it absolutely disturbs me how far I allow myself to wander and how split open my heart is right now. It also bothers me that I am still trying to control the vehicle God is driving me around in.
There is a cloud of pride raining over my head as a write this and it is terribly annoying as well.
Do I allow God to untie my knots for me?
Who ties them back together again?
Should I even bother with this process.
Where are these miraculous revelations I'm supposed to have?
And I'm not going to lie.....God is working in my life.
He is changing my soul, he is developing in me a spirit that is opened to things around me, and it is a progressive process. He has placed a supernatural amount of levelheadedness in me when I am acting on the scriptures. But when I am alone at 12:45 in the morning, I find a rapid disconnect. Still trying to unwind my idle thoughts and to extinguish them before they produce a rapidly growing fire.
I am tired of seeking my own pleasures. I am tired of seeking my own wants and needs. I don't want anything else. I want to be free from my mind, I want to be free from my flesh. I want to be free from the law. And the truth is, through Christ I am free of these things. Except that the flesh is something I still battle.
Whenever I get to heaven I don't even know how I am going to react.
People tell me all the time about how they are going to ask Jesus millions of questions, but to be fully honest.......the thought of going up to Jesus and questioning him still intimidates me. Even if it is out of curiosity and love. Maybe there is a disconnect with me when it comes to fully understanding that he is with me at all times. Instead of this nonstop, holy, and all-encompassing force. Maybe this is the reason for a lot of things.
I am thankful that he is changing me.
I need every ounce of it.
This is the beginning again.