First, you have to understand that I am slogging my way through the worse year of my life. Every relationship I have had has been tried past the breaking point.
Almost everyone I have known for my whole life has distanced themselves.
And it all revolves around a woman, a girl I grew up with.
Next, you have to understand that what I did was attempt to have my girlfriend (soon to be ex) corrected for sin she had fallen into. But, she is a golden girl and I am apparently slime. So she won the gossip war. And I did not know the whole story until last week, six months later!
So, I have been working through the issues of forgiving her, forgiving my church, forgiving the godlessness of those whom threw me out of my church and life. It was not hard to forgive her, I figured someone was behind this and Satan was too easy an answer. It turned out to be her mother and I figured that one out last week.
And, I have been praying for God to show my innocence and make their guilt public, since April. As time has passed I have slowly mellowed from anger to sorrow for them, because I know that my God will answer - even if He reigns judgement on me. And He has, I have heard, through subtle means been calling them to account for months. Then He upped the price tag and the mother is now in ICU.
As I was exploring this morning on CC, I ended up in a discussion with Ruth48 and Chris2600(?) - it upset me greatly. Because it made me think. I see cause (sin) and effect (Chip loses all). I see cause (prayer for justice) and affect (the mother now in ICU). And I feel massive guilt.
Sure there are things I might have not said, or caught the meaning of weeks earlier and perhaps could have influenced choices which were made. I could have been less naive.....
And then I realized that I was refusing to let go of my ownership of this disaster. Sure, I had forgiven the mother and her daughter, I had even forgiven my ex-pastor last week. But, by some means I had decided that I owned this mess - it was my fault, I had to forgive myself. Then place this mess where it belongs, at the foot of the throne of God.
This year has been spiritual warfare at its dirtiest and grittiest. Lots of blood loss, casualties everywhere walking my hometown, me with having actually counted to 490 times of forgiving the same person and then feeling stupid.
How will God resolve this? I never have had a clue. Every answer I can think of - there are some mighty persuasive reasons that it would not work. So, however God is going to resolve this, it will be watching a miracle unfold!
But, for the two of them, I continue to pray for the mother to admit to the daughter her own guilt in this; for the daughter to come to understand that she was used and not driven by me to her excesses; for the church to understand that they crucified the innocent party and repent to God concerning that one! And for the healing of everyone involved.
And for me ..... that my spirit will remain soft and I will listen and do as told. (and that last word is still a little hard to type. For me to obey means some mountains got moved with their vested interests in this not happening! And that could be harmful to me in other ways..... sigh.....)
Almost everyone I have known for my whole life has distanced themselves.
And it all revolves around a woman, a girl I grew up with.
Next, you have to understand that what I did was attempt to have my girlfriend (soon to be ex) corrected for sin she had fallen into. But, she is a golden girl and I am apparently slime. So she won the gossip war. And I did not know the whole story until last week, six months later!
So, I have been working through the issues of forgiving her, forgiving my church, forgiving the godlessness of those whom threw me out of my church and life. It was not hard to forgive her, I figured someone was behind this and Satan was too easy an answer. It turned out to be her mother and I figured that one out last week.
And, I have been praying for God to show my innocence and make their guilt public, since April. As time has passed I have slowly mellowed from anger to sorrow for them, because I know that my God will answer - even if He reigns judgement on me. And He has, I have heard, through subtle means been calling them to account for months. Then He upped the price tag and the mother is now in ICU.
As I was exploring this morning on CC, I ended up in a discussion with Ruth48 and Chris2600(?) - it upset me greatly. Because it made me think. I see cause (sin) and effect (Chip loses all). I see cause (prayer for justice) and affect (the mother now in ICU). And I feel massive guilt.
Sure there are things I might have not said, or caught the meaning of weeks earlier and perhaps could have influenced choices which were made. I could have been less naive.....
And then I realized that I was refusing to let go of my ownership of this disaster. Sure, I had forgiven the mother and her daughter, I had even forgiven my ex-pastor last week. But, by some means I had decided that I owned this mess - it was my fault, I had to forgive myself. Then place this mess where it belongs, at the foot of the throne of God.
This year has been spiritual warfare at its dirtiest and grittiest. Lots of blood loss, casualties everywhere walking my hometown, me with having actually counted to 490 times of forgiving the same person and then feeling stupid.
How will God resolve this? I never have had a clue. Every answer I can think of - there are some mighty persuasive reasons that it would not work. So, however God is going to resolve this, it will be watching a miracle unfold!
But, for the two of them, I continue to pray for the mother to admit to the daughter her own guilt in this; for the daughter to come to understand that she was used and not driven by me to her excesses; for the church to understand that they crucified the innocent party and repent to God concerning that one! And for the healing of everyone involved.
And for me ..... that my spirit will remain soft and I will listen and do as told. (and that last word is still a little hard to type. For me to obey means some mountains got moved with their vested interests in this not happening! And that could be harmful to me in other ways..... sigh.....)